Pick My Edits: Pepsi Max Edition
by MetaDash
Summary: You guys know the story of Eirika and Ephraim, right? And all of their pals? Well this story is KINDA like that, except not really. It involves trash phantoms, spiders, short alchemists, traps, dank memes, and much much more. Based on the FE8 PME from Mangs' Youtube channel (go check him out!). Crack, spoilers for the vanilla FE8 plot, and rated P for Pepsi. [ON INDEFINITE HIATUS]
1. Escape! and take yer phantoms with you!

**Pick my Edits: Pepsi Max Edition**

One day, a group of loyal fans decided to put their heads together and think….what kinds of crazy ideas can we use to change the world of Magvel?

Well, this is that story.

* * *

 **Chapter 1 – Escape! (and take yer phantoms with you!)**

It happened so suddenly.

One soldier ran up to the king's throne, panting that Grado soldiers were invading. His words sounded frantic, but King Fado kept a cool head. He looked to his most trusted knight, a veteran of about 65 years of age.

"Jagen! Take my daughter and flee, immediately! I'll hold them off! You mustn't let the enemy capture her!"

"Father NO!" screamed the princess, but Jagen grabbed her and galloped out of the castle.

XXXXX

Of course, they only got about a few yards before one frightening Grado general, a wyvern rider, swooped down in front of them.

"Hehehehe…..thinking of escaping so soon, Princess?" Narcian mocked. This made Jagen take out his lance and point it directly at him.

"Not today, knave!"

Although he missed the hit, leaving Narcian to slash open his chest. The princess had seen enough, so she concentrated and concentrated until….

 **POOF**

"Jagen, you're hurt! Hurry, while he's distracted!"

"Distracted?! Ohohohoho, you really don't think….." Narcian's mouth hung open.

A clone of the princess had formed, and she looked bright and resistant, armed to the teeth with her lance. It obviously easy to tell which wasn't her because this was a phantom, which was floating. And yet…

 _Man….I REALLY want to kill this thing! But why? I mean, the princess is right there! This, this thing will just die with one hit! But my lance is itching for the hunt….maybe I can just kill one and force the other into slavery…._

But Jagen had escaped.

"Oh damn it all! I'll get you, Princess Amelia!"

* * *

"Phew….Princess, we can rest here for the time being."

Amelia got off her knight's horse, frowning. "Why didn't you beat him, Jagen? Father says you're the best knight in the land!"

"I am. The bastard just caught me off guard. Next time will be different! But we must press on. To Frelia!"

"Wait!" Amelia dug into her pouch and took out a frosty can of the best drink in the land. "You'll need to recover your strength. Ooops! And fast."

Jagen turned; three fighters were approaching from the mountains.

"Hey, what's this?" spoke the leader, who had blonde hair and a headband. "You lot think you can stand up to Batta the Beast?!"

"Princess Amelia, hand me that Pepsi!"

Three glugs later, Jagen ran through and pretty much stomped the bandits in the same way you would stomp a cockroach. He wasn't selfish though, as he held up the wounded Batta for Amelia to kill.

"You need experience too, milady. Go on!"

"Yes sir!"

 **MISS**

"Uhh….try again."

 **MISS**

"Princess Amelia, he's _right_ in front of you!"

 **MISS**

"Oh it's not worth it!" Batta shouted, using his broken axe to smash his face, knocking him out, not before he muttered " _I always liked coke better…"_

Amelia pouted. It wasn't her fault she was an….unusual soldier! From her small spear, to the trash lid stuck to her head, and the mysterious way she could summon copies of herself to trick the enemy (read: the ones that just wanted to kill her twice). But she would try harder, for her wonderful dancing brother.

"Come….we must head to Border Mulan at once!"

The story of Magvel you once knew…..well, you'll have to disregard it for this little adventure. Because nothing will make sense.

This is the story of the quest to destroy the Demon King Tizi….

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: Yeah, this is happening. I originally wanted to make something for the FE6 PME but the recent one has been...just beautiful. Now it's all right if you have no idea what a PME is or if you follow Mangs at all, this is just a cracktastic fanfiction. It'll make more (or less?) sense as it goes on.**

 **To give you a taste of what's in store, we have Edward Elric, a trap Roy, and YA BOI Guzma. No, I'm not drunk at all, why do you ask?**

 **So...let me know if you guys want this to continue! Alongside the other stories, of course.**


	2. Disney Movies and Tumblr Raids

**Author's note: Whoo-wow! The response is more receptive than I had thought. I've got finals coming up in a few weeks so don't expect lightning-quick updates, but here's the next chapter for you eager fans as a thank you present.**

* * *

 _PME Recap - Amelia is the star, who spouts phantoms. Jagen replaces Seth. Ephraim is...well, himself but also not. You'll see._

* * *

 **Chapter 2 – Disney Movies and Tumblr Raids**

"Your highness! G-Grado approaches!"

The princess of the Frelian kingdom, Caeda, was a modest and polite pegasus knight that tried to do her best. Why did Grado have to attack TODAY, of all days?

"Sigh, come in please."

The soldier saluted her and headed in the room, trying to resist the urge to laugh at what Caeda was doing – painting the walls two different colors. "Um….your highness?"

"Pink or purple, soldier? I want to know which color is cuter."

"Well I'd go with pink because it looks HEY didn't you hear me?!"

"Oh I certainly did!" Caeda picked up her lance. "If those Grado beasts come this way, I'll make them do the tiling!"

"S-Shouldn't we tell the king to get in more troops?"

"Father? King Hayden? The peer of King Fado? The one who sired me and my brother? He who goes by Tiffany on Tuesday nights in the Lounge?"

The soldier coughed awkwardly. "He still owes me fif'y gold, milady…"

XXXXXX

Grado, unfortunately, was just outside the fort. This unit was led by a rather eccentric man with a thick mustache.

"Hoho! Shall we claim zis fort, men?" Baguette sneered. If there was one thing he loved, it was smelly cheese and smoking outside with a glass of wine in hand. Oh, and making bad pornography.

"Hey! Frelia has a no stereotype policy!" shouted the gate guard. Then he gurgled up blood when he was stabbed, dead.

* * *

Moments later, Amelia and Jagen arrived on the scene, only to find it crawling with Grado guards. Even the soldiers you think are total jokes, but in reality-

"Could you stop listening to the narration and focus on the battle, Lady Amelia?" Jagen asked. "We're outnumbered. We must approach this with a degree of caution and steal-"

"FOR RENAIS!" Amelia made a rather adorable battle cry and charged forward.

"MILADY?!"

"Oh crap!" The Grado men lowered their weapons. "We're not supposed to hit Mee ladi, the famous pop star from Regal-7!"

"Huh? No, I'm Amelia from Renais."

"Oh! Well, we _totally_ have permission to hit you! Aim at her throat!"

Jagen galloped and scooped her up, moving just quick enough to (still) double the soldier throwing his lance at them. But now the fighters were catching up. Luckily….

"Hey, that's Princess Amelia!" Baguette shouted. "Capture her!"

Ahem. _Luckily_ , two figures came at the top of the hill.

XXXXX

"Sir Bosswin, is this really the border?"

"Yes. I know Princess Caeda is inside….these Grado goons mean we'll have to clear them out…."

One was a plucky young soldier named Franz and the other, a wise ranger named Bosswin. The latter opened his bag and loaded his arrow.

"L-Look! That's Princess Amelia and General Jagen!"

"I see…."

"And Grado soldiers chasing them!"

"I see…."

"A-And insurance salesman!"

"OH HELL NAH!" Bosswin roared, firing his signature weapon. It pierced and killed the fighters, but sadly, those sneaky salesman lived to terrorize some babies another day! Amelia and Jagen approached.

"Wow, that was awesome, Franz! I knew you were cool! People said, _oh Amelia, soldiers are worse than archers,_ but you-"

Bosswin cleared his throat loudly.

"Do you need some cough drops, good sir?"

"No! I am Bosswin, warrior of Frelia. I'm here to save the princess. With my horse and green dildos of doom, there's nothing I can't solve!"

"Great!" Jagen turned around. "What do you think of THAT, fools?!"

The Grado soldiers were sitting around a fire for some reason, playing a quick game of go fish. "Huh? Oh yeah, we're done with our union break. So who wants to die first?"

"Hmph! Slacking off? I don't care that you're the enemy, you need some lessons! TIME FOR A MONTAGE!"

* * *

 **Riverbank Camp, 6:00 AM**

"Wake up! Everyone get in front of me, now!"

Amelia and the Grado soldiers all moaned in pain as they emerged from their tents. Captain Jagen was shirtless and ready to wre-I mean train. Yeah, train. He passed them all a stick, and began to sing.

 **Let's get down to business to defeat the Grados**

 **Did I get winners, or did I get…lame-os?**

 **You're the saddest bunch I've ever met**

 **But you can BET before we're through**

 **Mister I'll make a man out of you!**

"Wait," chimed in one guy, "isn't she a woman?"

"Excuse me?!" Jagen's music stopped to a halt. "Did you just _assume_ Princess Amelia's gender?"

"…yeah?"

The fighter's shoulder was tapped, and the Grado men turned around to see very scary looking people with shaved heads, dyed heads, and shaved AND dyed heads. Oh, and bug eye glasses.

"They're all yours," Jagen said, ushering his allies away.

"But Jagen, I AM a woman!"

"It's [current year], Princess!"

* * *

Poor Baguette, he was in the middle of his red wine (with ice, why not?), when he saw that the pack had been forcibly taken away for gender studies classes.

"Ehh? What is zis?!"

"What is zis? It is zeh forces of Renaix!" Franz flipped through his handy dictionary. "And we're here to….General Jagen, how do you say _kick ass and chew some bubble gum_ in his language?"

"You're about six years too late there, Franz."

"Let us pass for the princess, now," Bosswin said. "I mean, there's four of us and only one of you."

"Oh please! Do you think that I, a gentlemen of ze fine arts, will lose?" He picked up his Killer Lance. "Go ahead, who wants zhis?"

Amelia summoned a phantom to attack.

"HYA!"

And another.

"HYA!"

And another.

"HYA!"

And another.

"HYA!"

And-

"Can you stop making zat sound?" Baguette asked Amelia. "It zis getting very annoying. Your phantoms do, like…no damage."

"You're just scared of them!"

The snooty knight deadpanned, beheading the latest phantom with a crit. "Please. Zis is not Narooto. Zis is just lame."

"Fine then! If you're so smart then….then….I challenge you to a wine drinking contest!"

"Princess no! Don't you see his mustache and smell his terrible BO? That's one organ stabbing away from being a hobo, the BEST kind of drunk!"

 _"Wee wee!"_ she shouted in a bad accent, donning a beret. "But I know I can do this!"

 **1 hour later…**

Baguette proved his reputation and chugged away about 50 bottles of wine. Although he couldn't enjoy it because people kept laughing at him with drinking it with ice, so he got angry drunk and passed out.

Amelia chugged 5….times 10 raised to the power of -3. That's 0.005. Um, we'll give her an A for effort. She passed out after a single drop.

"Could it be?!" Caeda ran out of the fort. "Oh! Sir Bosswin, you sav-"

Franz, Jagen, and her knight were sitting on the grass, all forced to write essays for their gender studies homework.

"They….they came back for us," Jagen grumbled.

* * *

Eventually the group retreated back to Castle Frelia.

"So, Caeda, how's your brother these days?" Amelia asked. "I don't see him around…."

"Oh, Amelia, brother left when war first broke out. I'm so worried."

"I feel the same way about my own. I hope he's okay…."

"Are you kidding?" Caeda blushed. "Your brother is perfect. Marvelous! He could easily make his way out of any rathole fort he gets sequestered in. I'm just worried MY brother will start picking fights with someone. Did you know some people think it's funny to blame him for everything?"

"Aww, people blame me for everything too!" said the princess, completely missing the point.

They reached Hayden's quarters. A wise man, his hairs were already starting to turn gray due to his competitive son.

"Princess Amelia, it does my heart good to see you safe. I'm sorry it couldn't be on better terms. I….um, have heard some dire news."

"Hey! We finished our homework!"

"N-No, it's your father. He…..did not survive the fall of Renais castle."

"But….." Amelia looked like her heart had been snapped in two. "He had a sick beard…"

"I know, omg was it dreamy. But Grado seems to be more slippery than we realize. The report also claims that your brother has passed on into the enemy's territory."

"ISIS?"

"No, _our_ enemy."

"The spaghetti monster?"

Franz laughed awkwardly. "She's still a little tipsy, Your Highness."

"I see. Well! Frelia is prepared to give you aid to turn the tide. I can't give you much, barely anything at all."

5000 whooping gold was thrown at Amelia's face.

"And two of my best vassals, but like I said, barely anything!"

The first soldier was a pegasus knight named Belle, with blue hair. "Hello, Princess Amelia. I'm here to help, as the king commands."

"Belle huh?" Jagen smirked. "Sing a Brand New World."

"Not that Belle, and that's the wrong movie!"

The second soldier….smashed open the wall as his theme song played, seemingly out of nowhere.

 **Stop the rock, stop the rock  
Stop the rock, stop the rock  
Stop the rock, can't stop the rock  
You can't stop the rock, stop the rock  
Stop the rock, can't stop the rock  
You can's stop the rock, can't stop the rock (repeated)**

 **Shake that paranoia, can't stop the rock! (repeated)**  
 **Come move me move me**  
 **Dancing like Madonna, into the groovy**

 **Stop the rock, can't stop the rock**  
 **You can't stop the rock, can't stop the rock**

 **Let's get down and dirty baby**  
 **Come get down and dirty babe**

 **Down and dirty baby**

 **Shape the rock like Henry Moore**  
 **Aphrodite at the waterhole, come on!**

 **Stop the rock, can't stop the rock**  
 **You can't stop the rock, can't stop the rock**

Belle rolled her eyes. "Boulder, we don't exactly have the time to listen to this!"

"I do!" Hayden replied, dancing like a pepsi-uped fiend at the club. "And as your king, I command we listen to this song for AT LEAST a half hour!"

"You know me very well, sire!" Boulder smiled. From his brown hair, mustache, and former pious aura, he was everyone's best friend.

Amelia was still unconscious from the gold, though.

 **FIN**

 **Ending Notes: Really, I don't want to make ALL of the humor inside jokes, but see if you can spot them. :P**

 **Next Time - What Happened to Dorcas?**


	3. Here Comes the Mutton Man

**Author's note: Just as a reminder, no ABA isn't on hiatus. I already did the two chapters for this month, so I'm just getting more fanfiction leeway before finals in a few weeks.**

* * *

 _PME Recap - Bosswin, a dildo-shooting ranger version of Oswin, replaces Gilliam. Franz is a soldier (class). Belle from a certain hack replaces Vanessa and Moulder traded away his cloth and holiness to be an armored knight._

* * *

 **Chapter 3 – Here Comes the Mutton Man**

 _Over a decade before our current story, in the land of Renais, King Fado had asked to see one of his prime fighters. He was a large man with a double chin and a tuff of hair._

 _"Yo, you called me, your highness?"_

 _"Come in….Gheb."_

 _Gheb was his name. A man of unbelievable smex factor. Just thinking about his xtra thickness makes me SO hot and bothered, I-_

 _"GHEB!" Fado barked. "Stop narrating your life and listen to me for a second. I'm afraid I have to discharge you from my army."_

 _"What?!" Gheb was taken aback. "Oh come on, is this just because I peed in the castle plants?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Because I said the queen has a nice ass?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Ohhhhh, I get it!" The warrior nodded. "So I joked that the prince and princess will bang. Everyone needs some light humor, you know? Incest is in the new in joke!"_

 _"Gheb, my twins are only a month old," said the king in the most annoyed of voices. "All of these transgressions keep adding up! And I've received some very disturbing reports about you and your son."_

 _"Pass!"_

 _"What, pass? You can't pass an accusation!"_

 _"Uhhh….I plead the fifth?"_

 _"Nice try," Fado scolded, "but this is still a monarchy. You're outta here!"_

 _"FINE! Maybe I'll leave and…and…..start my OWN kingdom! I'll call it Ghebland! Where the men are strong and women fear the men! And have smex with them."_

 _"If you don't stop adding the letter m to random words, I will have you executed."_

 _"YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!" Gheb screamed, running out of the throne room._

 _"I NEVER SAID I WAS!"_

 _Fado quickly removed his "World's Best Dad" hat._

* * *

"Ghebland", now in our current time, was the name Gheb insisted belonged to the village of Ide, even though everyone there really, REALLY hated that name. As for his son…

"DORCAS! Get me another hot pocket!"

He was a quiet 20-something man with red-brown hair and a small goatee. As hard as the story was to believe, he was Gheb's son. Yes, Gheb had sex with someone. A thousand NEETs just hung themselves in shame, including the narrator.

"Father….I think you should take a look outside," said Dorcas calmly. "Bandits are making their way over."

"Excuse me?!"

"I know, it's awful, isn't it?"

"NO!" Gheb smacked the plate away. "This is a ham sandwich hot pocket! You might as well have given me garbage. Don't make me tell _you-know-who_ on you, boy."

Dorcas's lip quivered. "A-Anything but that…."

"Good! Ah, where did it all go, son? I was the best fighter in the whole Renais army! Now look at me. Just…just sitting at home, washed out."

"Maybe you could…..fight off the bandits?"

"Feh. The only way I'd bother fighting is somehow, I could get back at King Fado."

His son sighed and looked out the window. His eyes widened. "Uhhh….Dad? There's a skeleton leading the march."

"Oh right! Next you'll tell me Princess Amelia is on her way here!"

* * *

Indeed she was. Of course, the group was making terrible time, as not only did the dance party take more than the allotted half-hour, Jagen and Bosswin had to push Boulder along.

"Tally ho, lads! We'll march up to Grado and come out, victorious!"

"Boulder, why are you so _heavy?"_

Belle looked down at the map. "So we'll pass through Ide to Serafew, and from there, we can access Grado territory."

"If only we had a flying girl to move him along!"

"On we go!"

 _"I know you can hear me!"_ Jagen shouted.

Amelia stopped the group. "Guys….do you see what I see?"

The others all looked ahead. They saw a flaming unicorn, a churro stand, someone selling hats, dancing robots, and a monkey.

"Uhhh….can you be specific?"

"Belle, scout the skies!" she commanded. "Something's moving over there."

"….."

"Belle?"

"I didn't hear a _please."_

"Can you pl-"

"Nono! If you want me to do something, just say the magic words. It's something I was taught when I was a little girl."

Amelia cocked her head.

 _"Staff of Ages is the best thing ever."_

"Well I have no idea what that is, but I'm somehow inclined to disagree with that statement."

"Forgive her, Lady Amelia, it's from a story she read as a girl," Boulder explained. "Some overhyped tale about a queen getting betrayed and killed by her snake advisor. "

"Are you implying SoA is fanfiction material?" the pegasus knight snapped. "It made best seller on the Frelian Novelia Society!"

"What about The Last Promise?" Franz asked with an honest smile. "I love that story."

Belle shrieked in disgust and flew off to get away from the implicit edginess. Jagen smacked Franz.

* * *

"Hehehehehe! This is it, men! All of these homes ripe for the plundering! And now that Batta is dead, there's no one to compete with!"

Bone was a simple skeleton with a simple desire. Why did the human and not bony bandits follow him? Well to be honest, the reason was simple.

"When is he gonna dance with his brother?"

"Don't we get to date him?"

-they thought he was a _different_ skeleton.

"Hey, Bone! Where's your brother?"

"Brother? Stop with the damn questions, you idiots! Just….just attack that home over there, near the mountains!"

They did, hoping to get to see Sans that much sooner. Of course, when the village was set ablaze, the two occupants were forced to flee.

"Dad come on!"

"NO! NOT MY COLLECTION OF PAIZURI HENTAI! OH THE HUMANITY!"

Dorcas would've gotten mad at his father being more upset over losing his lewd images than you know, his _house_ , but he was all too used to Gheb being a Gheb.

"We need to get away!"

"No!" Gheb snarled and picked up his axe. "What's the first thing I taught you, son?"

"50 nos means yes?"

"Besides that?"

"Running away is for pussies?"

"NOW YER GETTING IT!"

Up above, Belle gasped and flew back.

XXXXX

"We've got trouble!" she shouted. "We-" she stopped when everyone giggled. "What's so funny?!"

"Nothing, we….it was a whole….so what's up?"

"Bandits just set fire to that village!" Belle shouted, aware of the fire burning directly behind her. "And it's being led by a skeleton!"

"Well we SHOULD put it out, but let's go visit those other villages for more information…." Amelia said.

"Do we really have time for that?"

Two words. Free stuff.

 **Village #1**

"Yeah, bandits are bad. If only we could use weapons, but you know, this is the life we chose as villagers…" the chuckling villager gave Franz a vulnerary.

 **Village #2**

"I got this cramp on the back of my leg….on a completely unrelated note, have an Antitoxin!" the girl said, handing it to Bosswin.

 **Village #3**

"Hmph, bandits….if only we could help…."

Amelia had stumbled upon a certain red-haired general, with pigtails and a bad attitude. "Hey, you guys should close your doors because that works somehow! Bandits are coming!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" she snapped. _"Gawds_ , where do you get off, bossing people around? That must mean you're not one of these spineless villagers."

"I'm on my way to Grado, actually."

"Really? I'm from there. It's a nice place, minus the evil people and well, war things. Name's Selena."

"That's a pretty name…"

"Who the hell asked-" Selena blushed. "You…you think it's a pretty name?"

"Well sure. Not as pretty as Severa, but I still think it's swell. Wanna to be BFFs on the road?"

"I….." the general scowled, remembering she still had to keep up appearances. "Like HELL! I don't have time for friendship and other garbage like that! Now tell me who you are!"

"Uhhhhhhh…..Eirika!" Amelia lied. "My name's Eirika. Just a simple mercenary…."

"Really? Then stop lounging around and fight off these bandits!" Selena huffed. "I can't stick around because I need to head back to the capital…."

"Good luck Selena! I'll remember you in my daydreams and fanfiction."

"You…..g-gods, you're dumb, Eirika." Selena blushed like a tomato and handed her a Red Gem. "J-Just go!"

"Wow, do you like me or something? Because my old friend always said Lesbianism is the One True Religion."

"NO! _B-Baka!"_

Selena got on her horse and galloped away.

"Man she's so intense…."

"Rada rada," agreed Schnitzel, who suddenly appeared next to her.

* * *

Meanwhile, while the others were clashing with the bandits, Bone was almost up the hill when Gheb stood in his way.

"Oh….hey. Want to join the Bone Zone?"

"There's two things Gheb doesn't allow," he began, "destroying my home, destroying my porn….and women voting!"

"That's three things, though…." Bone sneered and readied his sword. "Although, I don't mind playing a round with you…."

Dorcas came up from behind (giggity). "Father, do you need any help?"

"Please! I don't need help killing Papyrus."

 _Papyrus…._

"What…..what did you say?" Bone asked, in a low voice.

"Shut up with your dumb jokes and your, your….genocide runs!" Gheb growled and raised his signature axe. "NOW DIE!"

"He's already dead," Dorcas chimed in. At that, Gheb turned right around and smacked Dorcas to the ground with the axe.

"You don't listen, boy! I told you to stay back! But since you want to be so disobedient…."

"HEY HEY! AREN'T YOU FIGHTING ME?!" Bone screamed. "YOU'VE DONE IT NOW, SAYING I'M THAT HACK!"

"Huh?"

Bone shook with rage as his mind flashed to the past. "Do you know how hard it is, being a sentiment skeleton? Do you know how many confuse me for other, more POPULAR skeletons of history?! Brook, Jack Skellington, and of course, that dancing idiot Papyrus! ALL STEALING MY FAME!"

"…"

"Well no more! Today is the day Bone takes Renais, then the whole world THEN…..I will be the best skelly in the land!"

Gheb glared at him. "Ghebland has a distinct no skeleton policy."

"Oh please! And what are YOU gonna do about it?!"

Dorcas gasped. "No, don't dare him!" He was starting to sweat, even as Jagen and Franz were headed his way to help out. Gheb took out a piece of…

"Mutton?"

"Yeah. I make some GOOD mutton. You want a taste?"

Bone looked at it up and down. "Just to be clear, and that I'm understanding the narrator right, this is-"

"-it's just a piece of meat! If I was gonna say dick I wouldn't be cute about it! Now eat!"

"Well fine! If you want me to get my strength-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dorcas's painful childhood memory was coming back….

* * *

 _"Hey son! Get us some more ale!" Gheb shouted. He and his buddies were drinking and playing cards. The greasy and hairy people they were, it was not a pleasant sight for the eight year old boy._

 _"Here you go, Father…."_

 _"Thanks! Here!" he snickered. "You want a piece of mutton?"_

 _"Oh boy do I!"_

 _Gheb looked weirded out. "Uh…..son, most *normal* boys don't open their mouths that wide for..never mind! Here you go!"_

 _"Mmmm….."_

 ** _THUD_**

 _"Hey….what happened to Dorkass?" asked the old man who could never pronounce his name right._

 _"I put poison in his mutton."_

 _Everyone had a jolly good laugh, as the words_ _ **BUILD AN ARMY, TRUST NO ONE**_ _rang out._

* * *

"NOT MUTTOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!" Dorcas screamed, going full super saiyan memory rage boost bomb mode to decimate Bone with a single punch.

"Whoa….."

Dorcas blinked. Amelia looked amazed, as did her phantom (that the last bandit ended up killing). Seeing her face made his rage fade.

"What the-?!" Gheb shoved him down. "You're Fado's daughter, aren't you?!"

"Yes sir! Although…..he's not with us anymore…."

"Well I can see that, you idiot girl! Take me to him!"

"But Grado killed him…."

"Huh?!"

Jagen facepalmed. "Lady Amelia, that man is Gheb, one of the most disgraced Renais soldiers of our time. I would highly advise we DON'T-"

"Listen kid, I had beef with the king, but if Little Miss Grado thinks he's so cool to take him down, then let me fight them! The only person who's allowed to kill Fado is ME! I won't allow them that satisfaction."

Boulder checked off a list titled DBZ Reference Quota.

"Please? Ever since my baby momma died, I've been bored as heck! Maybe if I go out there and be totally awesome, I can improve my ways!"

"Well…..you *do* have a pretty honest face…."

"I _do?"_

"He _does?"_ Dorcas asked. "Uh, forgive my behavior, milady. I'm Dorcas, his son. I'll join, considering we have no home and…well, Father *can* be a little…..unpredictable."

"Sure thing! Every army needs a wildcard! How bad can he be?"

Gheb was looking over Belle. "Hey kid, how old are you?"

"Uhhh…16?"

 _"Nice._ Wanna star in some movies?"

Belle pepper sprayed him. "No means no! I know my rights!"

"GAAAAAAH I WAS TALKING ABOUT A DOCUMENTARY!"

"Oh." She stopped. "Really?"

"Yeah, the fallen story of Ghebland, Renais' first nudist colony. Wanna be the newest resident?"

"W-Well…..we still need all the help we can get!" Amelia laughed awkwardly. "But what would your countrymen think?"

"TAKE HIM!" all of the villagers shouted. "PLEASE!"

"Oh….are you sure?"

"YES!"

"Because we can always go on without him."

"NO!"

"O….kay….oh, I'm still not very good at this leader thing, am I? Brother always had it better than I did…." she sighed and began to remember:

* * *

 _"I don't understand, Amelia. Why do you want to know how to fight?"_

 _"Because brother, I….I don't want you to have to protect me all the time. I want to protect myself, and be a good soldier!"_

 _The Prince of Renais sighed. "But you've had that trash lid defect since you were born. We could do something with those phantoms, though…."_

 _"Really?! Yay! Sisters are supposed to watch out for their brothers, you know."_

 _"Hahaha, I suppose I COULD use some help with my mass amount of suitors…."_

 _"Oh Marry Sue, I love you!"_

* * *

Back in the present, Amelia was kissing the air, eyes shut. The villagers looked incredibly uncomfortable, moreso when she made a breast honking motion and giggled that "traps are cute…"

"Man, this girl is total nuts." Gheb grinned. "Man, I feel like a parallel universe me would just be bossing her around, but everyone knows crazy girls are the best kind of lay!"

"HEY!" Jagen held his sword to his neck. "Lady Amelia is off limits."

"Can we just be friends, then?"

"But Dad, you always told me that women don't deserve friends."

"Hahahaha I d-didn't say that…." he turned and huddled around his son. "Listen boy, if we're to be heroes and make a NEW Ghebland, then you need a filter! Just focus on fighting Grado!"

"One condition, then."

"Fine, what?"

"NO MORE MUTTON."

Gheb nodded, crossing his fingers behind his back. "Sure thing. But I get the feeling that the Mutton Man will be back…."

"No he won't."

"What?! You heard me?"

"You're still right next to me, Dad."

"….shut up, Dorkass."

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: Gheb is going to be one of my favorites to write for, because every army needs an asshole.**

 **Next Time - Everyone's favorite silent assassin and green-haired loli!**


	4. Every Villain Is Lemons (EVIL)

_PME Recap - Gheb and Dorcas fill in the roles of Garcia and Ross, respectfully, with the former being the opposite of a noble hero and the latter being the opposite of a bright-eyed, optimistic boy. We get one Selena for the other. Man, names shouldn't repeat in this series._

* * *

 **Chapter 4 – Every Villain Is Lemons (EVIL)**

Later that night, the group would set up camp in the forest outside of Ide/Ghebland, although there was a VERY serious problem.

"How can we have a campfire without marshmallows?" Franz asked like a child on Christmas. "Plus they're good brain food for battle."

"Really? That doesn't seem likely."

"Sure it is, Bosswin, I read it in a book!"

"Well that's your first mistake, young Franz, reading's overrated. Look at me! I grew up on the plains. I've never read a day in my life."

"Wait….huh? So you can't read?"

"No."

Franz gave him a sympathetic look and patted his shoulder. "I'll teach you so you can read The Last Promise."

"I swear to the Pepsi Gods, Franz, if you mention that book one more time-" Belle somehow had a bat she was hitting her hand with.

A short distance away, Amelia was picking up firewood, but she stopped when she heard a rustling sound. "Huh…? Who's there?"

"…"

"Was that a friendly form of ellipses? Three dots means yes, three dots also means no."

She held out her arm out, the little dickens that she was, leaving a blur to jump out of the shadows and yank off her prized bracelet. Amelia looked down at her bare wrist, blinking.

"Wow….w-wait a second! …..is that a mole?"

"Milady!" Jagen appeared behind her. "Where is your bracelet?"

"Huh?!" Amelia gasped. "Someone took it! Who could it be? Here, you watching us! Use your mouse to find the thief!"

A mouse scrolled past the screen and clicked on Dorcas.

"Nope!"

It moved over to Boulder, who was benchpressing Belle's pegasus. Yeah, that con is freaking ridiculous. Never skip leg day, kids.

"Not the Boulder!"

It then clicked on Amelia herself, which made her giggle at the sensation.

"No! It was…..wait, Jagen, what were we doing again?"

Her paladin said nothing, suddenly dressed as a certain monkey with red rain shoes-that-aren't-sneakers. Eventually, however, a green-haired girl came running up to Amelia. "HELP! HELP!"

"Ahh…..sounds like my Tuesday nights," Gheb recalled fondly, roasting a sausage over the fire. Franz and especially Belle scooted away from him. Amelia turned to the new friend.

"What's wrong?"

"The b-bandits! Jaffar, he….ohhhhhh!" Nino was her name, a plucky young mage from the village of Lark. Somehow, Amelia felt obligated to help this girl.

"Tell us what happened. Everything! Start from the beginning if you have to."

Nino blinked. "Oh….really? Well, okay. So it all began when my mommy and daddy got together and did that wrestling thing grown-ups do? I-"

XXXXX

"-I gave part of my PB&J to Jaffar, who took it and ate it. After that, we became best friends! We played hide and seek and tag and Monopoly and freeze tag and keijo and leap frog and-

XXXXX

"-THEN I said to the whole judge, 'this whole COURTOOM's out of order! And yadda yadda, bandits burned down Lark, and I lost Jaffar."

"Ok, what? Why did you take all the time explaining your childhood and yadda yadda the events up to this point?"

"Jagen ssssh! We need to help Nino. As the princess of Renais, we cannot ignore a citizen's cry of need!"

"HELP!" screamed a man in the distance. "I need help! Snakes are chasing me!"

"Well she _kinda_ asked first mister, hope that's okay?"

"I'M ALLERGIC TO SNAKES!"

"We….we…we're going this way….."

* * *

By morning, Nino had led the gang to the bandit hideout, an abandoned hovel with grimy walls and a misspelt title – **BANDIT BASE. GO HEAR FOR MORE INFO.**

"Hmm….this place looks awfully suspicious…."

"Jaffar's in there, I just know it! He's always doing these dangerous things just to help us get by. Like, did you know that last week, he ate Oreos WITHOUT the white stuff?"

"Oh I've got some white stuff for y…." Gheb sighed. "Never mind, it's way too easy. So boss, what's the plan? We bust in, shake them down, kill them, and steal their women?"

Amelia thought carefully.

"Milady, we do need to get your bracelet back. Because uh…..Marry Sue would want it!" Jagen lied.

Amelia thought carefully (again). "Okay okay, we'll sneak in and ask them politely to hand over Jaffar and my bracelet. Unless someone has a different plan?"

"LAST ONE IN HAS TO PUSH BOULDER!" Belle shouted, zooming through, followed by Jagen, Bosswin, and then the filithy casuals who lack a horse. Leaving only Amelia.

"Lift with your legs, Princess Amelia."

XXXX

A busted hernia and 39 phantoms later, Amelia FINALLY got the knight inside, only to be late for Gheb and Jagen to smash down the walls.

"HEY! I thought we had a plan that I wasn't committed to!"

Nino gasped and pulled on Amelia's sleeve. "Look! Jaffar!"

The man had dulled red-brown hair and was dressed in grey. His movements were quiet, cold, and calculating, and as he came up the stairs, he carefully reached into his pocket for the lockpick and-

"JAFFFFFFARRRRRRRRRR!"

-got glomped by the mage. This made the bandits swarm in, one pack from the door, one pack from the wall Gheb used Dorcas's head to break down.

"Nino?! What are you doing here?" Jaffar asked, pulling her off. "What did I say about yelling my name and holding me tight?"

"To wait until I'm of age?"

"Uh the other thing," he added, sweatdropping and looking out for Chris Hansen. But no one can escape the Hansen. Which reminds me, I should lock my door.

"HEY! TREPASSERS! LET'S 'ROUND THEM UP!"

One threw his axe, but Boulder tanked like a total baws, giving an opening for Franz to attack, then Belle finished with a stab through the torso. On the other side, Jaffar totally fucking Ryu Hayabusa'd some brigands. It went something like this:

* * *

 _"Hey….wanna see a magic trick?" he asked, taking out a knife._

 _"Pfft! Like we're gonna fall for that!" one of them shouted._

 _"Damn. I mean….I was practicing it…..oh well."_

 _Jaffar teleported behind them and sheathed his knife, making the two axemen heads explode with a geyser of rushing blood._

 _"Tch….nothing personnel kid."_

* * *

"Man these misspellings are everywhere," Franz muttered. "Did we get them all?"

"1, 2….oh no!" Nino gulped. "We still have the leader, Gonzales! He's scary!"

The group looked to Jaffar, considering that if he can Coldsteel-the-Hedgehog someone, how bad could this Gonzales person really be? But he narrowed his eyes.

"He's a force to be reckoned with. Proceed with caution."

"Got it! Wait, why did you steal my bracelet? I never asked."

"…42."

"But that's not a-"

"I said 42! Here!" Jaffar threw it back. "The gold I stole from the chests are worth more anyways. Nino is important to me. I just want her to be happy and well-fed. I even found her special mirror."

"Oh Jaffar!" she hugged him. "I love you so much!"

"Awww…." everyone cooed. Except a certain well-suited man that also had the powers of teleportation.

"Why don't you take a seat, right here?" Chris asked. "Right here."

"R-Run!" the assassin blurted out.

Everyone got behind Boulder and pushed until they reached the throne room, leaving the Hansen to disappear for the time being. "I've got my eye on you, Jaffar…."

XXXXXX

Gonzales was happily playing with his hot wheels collection when the door broke down, and everyone rushed in, weapons ready. "Hey! Friends want to play?"

"No we don't," Jagen said threateningly. "Your terror ends here, just like the rest of you bandits!"

"Wha…?" Gonzy picked his nose. "You….you all no run. Don't think….I….a monster?"

"You burned down Lark!" Nino exclaimed. "Our home! Right, Jaffar?"

"…"

"See? That's his yes ellipsis!"

"No!" Gonzales waved his hands. "I sorry! It just….w-well, no one like me. Everyone throw rocks at me. Everyone call me names. Everyone think…..I ugly."

"Well you _are."_

"Belle!"

"Well he _is."_

"Gheb!"

"Sorry Gonzy, but you need to make a choice." Amelia put an arm around his shoulder. "Either you face the consequences of your actions, or you escape."

"No, milady you're _not_ supposed to-

XXXX

The group watched Gonzales run for the hills, but hey, it wasn't so bad. Jaffar set the bandit base on fire while Nino and Bosswin began to discuss why books are the plebian's choice for entertainment.

"Lady Amelia, you need to start to taking this adventure more seriously! Soon we'll be up to all that the empire has to offer, not just bandits with negative IQ points!"

Amelia slumped.

"Don't give your enemies any mercy, understand? It makes you look weak. People don't take you seriously."

"Because I'm a girl?"

"No, because you have a _literal trashcan_ on your head. Now here, put your bracelet on. King Fado gave them to you and Marry Sue to ensure the future of our country."

"That's all?" Amelia asked, skeptical.

"Uhhh…42."

"Well okay, I guess that settles that! Let's charge on, team, to find my brother!"

* * *

MEANWHILE, in the Legion of Doom, also known as the Grado Castle in its capital, Selena had managed to return from her expedition. She sighed as she got off her horse and kicked off her boots.

"My feet are killing me…."

"How does Renais fare?" asked the other general in the room, Lex. He was a youthful but stern man with thick blue hair in a ponytail.

"Oh the usual stuff. Bandits, bandits, and more bandits. I swear, someone should put a muzzle on those guys. It's mayhem!"

Lex stared at her horse. "Did….did you have time to go to the market?"

"Yep! Got these CUTE dresses in this amazing shop!" Selena gushed, holding up her shopping bags and taking a sip from her smoothie. "Be a doll for me Lex, and carry these to my room?"

"Woman, do I look like beta to you? Carry them yourself."

"Well who asked you anyway?!" she snapped, throwing the smoothie in anger. Lex dodged.

"You did!"

"Enough! Man, kids these days." From the shadows arose another man with equally as blue but much thicker and much beardy hair, Hector, the third Grado general. "We're just sitting around and chatting, when we SHOULD be out there, taking orders!"

"But Emperor MrEntinen hasn't given us any," Selena said. "So I say, why bother?"

"It doesn't make any damned sense. Renais and Grado have been friends for generations, going as far back to the days when our ancestors had DP with some fine chick. And now, we attack? The emperor hates violence."

"Uh no, the emperor hates violence when it ruins his castle," Lex corrected.

"Same thing! Look at the degenerates they've promoted! The emperor isn't being himself."

"Well we're supposed to listen to him either way!" Selena argued. "Don't be such a fuddy-duddy, Hector. Shut up and listen!"

"Why you little tart, do you want me to Armads your pigtails until you cry like the girl you are?"

"…" Selena raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"I'M BAD AT METAPHORS OKAY!"

Lex shook his head. "Come, we have an audience. Maybe we can get answers then."

XXXXXX

The emperor was sipping beer from a chalice when his three generals came in. He was a powerful looking king with a beard to match Hector's awesome one.

"Alright joo guys, you're doing well," he said in a distinctly Finnish accent. "But we really need to pick up the slack."

"What does His Majesty want?" Lex asked.

"Letges."

"….what?"

"Letges. Every army needs plenty of letges to fend off deh bad guys. Make them high, so snipers can shoot from them."

"You mean _ledges_?"

"No, letges."

"But it sounds like you're describing ledges," Selena said.

"I didn't ask joo, did I?" MrEntinen leaned back in his throne. "Anyways, here's some help, since joo guys can't take over the world by yourself."

At that, three NEW generals entered the room, startling the Imperial Three. One was Narcian, the arrogant wyvern rider we all know, love, and hate. The second was an elderly man that looked like a devout saint, but he was anything but. The third was a certain Jehannan prince with red hair and a pretty awesome hat.

"Yoder, Joshua, and Narcian. Introduce yourselves."

"Hehehehe…." Yoder chuckled evilly, which just felt weird to type, let alone picture. "I am Yoder, the Sapphire to His Majesty."

"Name's Joshua, from Jehanna. I'm liking this place already, since there's about 250% less sand."

"And I'M-"

"-we know who you are," the Imperial Three said in unison.

"Excuse me?! But here I am, trying to save the three of you idiots from your own incompetence, and you dismiss me? Do you even who I am?"

"We JUST said that!" Hector yelled. "You were always a piece of work, Narcian. Lord knows who decided to let YOU out of your rat cage."

"Me, obviously." MrEntinen finished off his beer. "Okay, let's make some teams." He turned to a wheel placed next to his seat and spun it two times. "Okay…Selena, Joshua, go after Frelia."

"Me with the cute girl with pigtails?" Joshua smiled. "My luck's turning up already."

He spun it two more times.

"Yoder, Lex, joo two…..I dunno, go…..install my letges."

 _"Seriously?"_

Then came the last two spins.

"Hector, Narcian….joo two go hunt down Princess Amelia. Marry Sue too, but I want him alive."

Narcian had the most sinister expression on his face. "To torture and reduce to nothing? I'll enjoy breaking in that sweet boip-"

"Nonononononono." MrEntinen picked up the wheel and threw it at Narcian's face. "Traps are amusing to me. He can be my new court jester. The last one died." He looked at a gravestone out the window.

 **HERE LIES RYOMATHEKILLERS**

"Got it? Now go."

With that, the newly dubbed Imperial Six headed off to their tasks, although Hector had some severe reservations with working with Narcian, of all people.

And some heartburn.

"Stupid Arby's…."

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: I'm trying to stick to a chapter-to-chapter pace, but I can see some of them being two parters. The beginning is kind of a slog, though, but once we get more characters, the fun will only continue!**

 **Next time - ObsidianWasp would be proud. Break out the doritos, kids!**


	5. It's About Ethics in Gaming Journalism

_PME Recap - Jaffar and Nino replace the OTP of Colm and Neimi. MrEntinen rules Grado in place of Vigarde, with Lex and Hector filling in for Duessel and Glen. Riev meets his match in Yoder, Joshua and Caellach have swapped lives, and Ephraim is a trap Marry Sue. What's that? Narcian replaced Valter? There's a difference? (jk love those guys, they're so deliciously evil)_

* * *

 **Chapter 5 – It's About "Ethics" in Gaming ""Journalism""  
**

"Artur! Hey, Artur!"

The town of Serafew was the border between Renais and Grado, but before that lied two villages near a forest. In the south there lived two unique youths, one of which was-

"Good morning, Mayor. I assume you're here to discuss, um….the skeletons and zombies outside our walls?"

"What? Nah, we got some fruit flies near our pumpkins, mind eating them?"

-a giant spider named Artur. Despite being technically-actually-literally-oh-god-keep-it-away monster, he oddly took up matters of the cloth.

"M-Mayor they could attack the children! I should go out to protect everyone."

"Can't you just let xXL00tXx do it instead?"

The OTHER person was a mage with purple hair that always seemed to wear sunglasses and speak with a very distinct text-to-speech voice.

"N-No! She's my friend, I will not let her get harmed."

Artur scurried out of the shed, but his poor eyesight made him hit a scarecrow. Then a house. Then a fence. Then a cat.

* * *

At this same time, Amelia and the others noticed monsters – Wights, Mogalls, and Revenants – littering the forest between Artur's village and the one above. What would be the appropriate reaction in such a situation?

"Guys, are we on acid?"

"No."

"Oh." Amelia gasped. "M-Monsters! We'll have to fight our way through! Starting with that GIANT SPIDER THAT'S HEADED THIS WAY?!"

It was Artur (who else?). "Friends! You mustn't pass through the Forest of Za'ha! These fiends, they will-" his warning was drowned out by the sounds of Jagen, Gheb, Boulder, and Franz clobbering him with their weapons.

"KILL IT! SPIDERS ARE GROSS!" Nino squealed, jumping into Jaffar's arms.

"W-Wait you all don't understand-"

"Cut off its legs!" Belle shouted.

"NANI?! STOP! I'M NOT A BAD GUY!"

"Guys wait! Stop!" Amelia pushed them away. "I think the spider is trying to tell us something."

Artur lay on his back, bruised and bloodied. "Y-Yes….you see….I was born to a human mother and a father spider….and I've tried to make an honest living, but people DO fear m-my looks….I only wish to-"

"KILL US?! JAGEN, HIT HIM AGAIN!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" the spider cried, flailing again. "L-Look! A fiend from the dark days of future past approach! It's much more menacing then I!"

The group turned and saw a floating Mogall…y'know, the eyeball. It charged up a shot but it was easily pierced by Jagen's javelin.

"…."

"Yeah kill the spider."

"PLEASE NO!" Artur managed to get…around? and point ahead. "Those monsters outnumber us! If I fight with you all, then will you stop beating me up?! My village is in danger!"

"Did you tell them to lock their gates?" Boulder asked.

"What? How does that prevent them from attacking innocents?!"

At that point, Dorcas came back from the adjacent village with a Pure Water in hand (he tossed it to Amelia), and when a second Mogall moved to attack it, it….floated past it.

"…"

"Why do we need this thing alive again?"

"OH COME ON, have some decency!" Artur was starting to fear the very real threat of death right now. "If you spare my life, I'll….I'll…."

But his thought was left to be unfinished, as some Revenants started to close in. Their zombie limbs were loaded with poison, something the army will learn…

"Attack everyone!" Amelia summoned a phantom. "And I'll lead the charge!"

The phantom died in 0.00002 seconds, but yay! Effort!

* * *

A short distance away from the battlefield, a green-haired princess was making her way with her two trusted companions. She, of course, was the heir to Rausten, the divine L'Arachel, who rode a white steed and carried an equally white sword. /pol/ would love it.

"Ah, what a bright sunny day provided by the glorious Latona! Perfect for slaughtering those filthy heathens that dare darken the world! Jozla, can you check our map and see where our progress lies?"

The companion on the right was a quiet tall young man with black hair. He was ripped, including the strange spirit that was connected to his body.

"Yare yare, let's see…"

 **"Bwahahahaha I see it!"** the spirit said. " **We're at Serafew, the Renais-Grado border!"**

"Remind me again why you need BOTH of us, Princess?"

The other (other?) companion, to L'Arachel's right, was a sneering man with white hair and a moon-sun pair of sunglasses. He was destruction in human form.

"Oh Guzma, you ask the silliest of questions. I hired you to be my bodyguard!"

"But you can _fight_ , plus you've got that fool over there. PLUS the freaky spirit thing!"

"It's a stand," Jozla Joestar replied. "I'm surprised you and milady can see it."

 **"Bwahahaha! That means they're both worthy individuals, Jojo!"**

Guzma held up his arms, smiling confidently. "Well you don't need to tell ya boi that, you know. I guess if you want me to pitch in, I'll do some of the heavy living."

L'Arachel beamed. "Splendid! What's this?" She looked down, from her position at the cliffs. "There seems to be a group of travelers fighting GASP monsters! Jojo! Guzma! Time for **holy genocide!"** _[PAUSE FOR /POL/ APPLAUSE]_

"Uh, those two words seem like contradic-"

"Onward! Let us go!" L'Arachel hit her horse to make it go, but before she could, Jozla's stand moved and pulled her back.

"It's too dangerous, Lady L'Arachel. We're pretty high up."

"HOW high?"

A Kung Fu Panda movie was being filmed nearby. And now I'm kicking myself for not making an obvious weed joke.

"Ah. Well, let us continue on, from the side. We'll return, travelers!"

* * *

Revenants charged from the trees to the west, but they were too slow for Jagen and Franz, who fought them off to protect Amelia and her phantoms. Wights traveled up from the crossed stream, against the team of Gheb, Dorcas, and Boulder. And Belle, Bosswin, and Nino stayed east, battling the Mogalls with their-

"Okay, stop, stop." Gheb glared at Artur, who was being passed around as a bloody spider shield. "WHY the hell are you bothering with these names?"

"They're *cough* called that."

"They're goddamn zombies, skeletons, and eyeballs!"

"Those don't sound dignified!"

"Yo Gheb pass the shield, I have an eyeball shot thingy!" Bosswin called out.

"That's not what it's called either! _Thingy?"_

"GOT YOU FAM!" he called out, throwing Artur's body directly at the nearest eyeball. Between these three groups, Amelia was sneaking towards the village.

* * *

Inside, local gamer girl (another contradiction ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) and streamer xXL00txX was in the biggest challenge of her life….banning cancerous people in her chat.

"Stop lying m8, how can you say Mario is top tier? Banned. And banned again. Bloody hell." Did I mention this text-to-speech voice was British?

"Excuse me! Are you Artur's friend?" Amelia asked, having cleared the gates.

"Oh no, what did he do this time? Play with items on?"

"No…..?"

"Play with a Wiimote?"

"That is…?"

xXL00tXx looked horrified. "He was playing Brawl?! That's it, I'm going to roast him!"

XXXXX

But outside, all she saw were the monsters being killed.

"What is this? Ah, nobody told me the day 1 patch was installed. Nightmare mode, I like it."

"Miss, you're speaking in things I don't understand."

"That's quite alrite, you dirty casual. Some things are just too advanced for the regular mind. Now where's Artur?"

Said spider was being swung around by Belle while Dead or Alive's _Spin Me Round_ was playing in the distance.

"Ah, excellent."

"Look out!" Amelia pointed to an approaching Wight. At this, the mage took out her signature tome, a red one.

"Stand back, n00b. I will wtfpwn this monster trash." xXL00tXx squared up and opened her tome. "One hit-"

The first shot from her Blazer tome hit the Wight with the blip of a modern-day sniper hitting its target.

"-two hits-"

Another blip.

"and…..finally…."

xXL00tXx's third shot made the sky unload with blips, unknown voices started to scream their hype out loudly, 420 and air horns blared out, and someone screamed **OH BABY A TRIPLE** to the stars above.

"WRECKED."

The Wight had been vaporized.

"Whoa….."

"Impressed, casual? I can teach you but it takes years to get on my level." xXL00tXx was enjoying her win, but her happiness faded when she spotted Nino throwing fireballs too. _A challenger approaches….?!_

"Would you help us, uh….I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

"Hahaha…..I am xXL00tXx."

"Oh, got it, Lute!"

"No….no, x-X-L-0-0-t-X-x. Refrain from using my irl name, casual."

"Irl name?"

"You…." the prodigy/gaming genius sighed heavily and pinched her nose. "How many expressions do I need to explain to you? What's your gamer tag?"

"Gamer….tag? Is that like freeze tag?"

"Are you mad?"

"I'm pretty happy, actually."

If /pol/ flocked to L'Arachel, /v/ flocked to xXL00tXx. Neither tolerated the ignorant cries of the-

"-you filthy normie, get out reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"Are you saying whee?"

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

"WHEE!"

 **"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"**

* * *

Finally all of the monsters were killed, except that now Artur had several broken legs, cracked ribs, half of his eyes were bleeding, and Jagen had used him to smash the boss Entombed into the ground.

"Can….I…join…..you…..guys…now…..?" the spider wheezed out.

"You've passed the test!" said the paladin proudly. "I suppose we should fetch you a healer."

"xXL00t!" Artur laughed happily, half-crying from the pain. "You're safe! And you can use staves! Please, for the love of ALL that is holy, can you heal me?"

xXL00tXx calmly took off her sunglasses, eyes burning from her Pepe-induced rage. "No. I refuse to do anything until your new friends prove they're not normies like this twit."

"Hey! I'm not a normie! Whatever that means!"

xXL00tXx's teeth gnashed together, hard.

"Can you explain why these things are invading our land, Artur?" Franz asked. "You're not human like them too."

"I'm an exception! *cough* You see….long ago, in the era of darkness, the great Demon King released these foul monsters in our land, and it wasn't until the champions of the Sacred Stones, our national heroes….rose up and saved us. Something….must be wrong."

"We can't fight these things AND Grado at the same time," Jagen concluded.

Everyone nodded.

"Because we only have one Artur."

Artur whimpered in terrible, terrible pain.

"NEVER FEAR! L'ARACHEL IS HERE!"

Said princess galloped from the south, accompanied by the two and a half alpha bodyguards by her side. She took one look and gasped.

"Gracious me?! You unholy peasants felled all of these disgusting creatures?"

"And you folks are…?"

"Glad you asked!" Guzma laughed and stepped forward. "The hated boss who beats you down and beats you down and never l-"

 **SLAP**

L'Arachel was livid. "Guzma! I thought we agreed you would NEVER upstage me when it comes to dramatic introductions! A pox on you!"

"Owwww! Jojo, do something!"

 **"She's right, Guzma! Bwahahaha!"** said the stand, also known as _「 Couldn't Ask For a Better Ending」_. Jojo just sighed.

"Uhhh….is this the part where you join us and become our friends?"

"Not yet!" L'Arachel shouted. "I have more important matters to attend to. Guzma! Jojo! We ride!"

They left, headed towards the horizon.

"Is that a yes or….?"

* * *

The town of Serafew, normally neutral, was now teeming with Grado troops from sky to shining sea. Of course for the grizzled Jehannan mercenary walking around town, he didn't seem too bothered by it.

"Man…." Caellach smirked. "Looks like this boring town is FINALLY starting to get interesting. Maybe some kind of rumble?" He reached the tavern. "Heyyy, I could go for some sweet Mountain Dew."

But when he sat down inside, he noticed the barkeep passing a frosty can of Pepsi Max to a blonde haired woman.

"Thank you."

 _Whoa…._

Heads turned at the snap of the can opening, and jaws dropped when the gorgeous blonde raised the can to her lips to drink. Her hair was braided on one side, her eyes were bright and blue, and of course, the thing Caellach noticed first-

 _HOLY SHIIIIT THOSE BOOBS ARE HUGE!_

"Oh. I'm sorry, was I drinking too loud?"

The merc stammered. "N-Not at all, miss. I was being a boo-I mean melon, uh I mean….no wait, the first one was right. Name's Caellach."

"I'm…." she turned in her seat, and the slight jiggling of her luscious D-cup breasts was enough make Caellach break out into a sweat. "Oh my. Do you need to rest your head on my can?"

 _Shit if she wasn't holding up that Mountain Dew I'd pass out._ "Not at all, uh….?"

"Slouise. My name…" she smiled wide. "is Slouise."

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: I know technically the edit was to have Dozla be the ORAORAORAing Jojo, but this version combines all of the best elements - Jozla has a personality similar to Jotaro, but the stand looks and speaks like Dozla! Cool, huh?**

 **Next Time - Amelia's attention span, Slouise, Boulder's speed growth, and the boss...moar like SLOWafew, amirite?**


	6. Slooooooooowwwwwwww

**Review Time:**

 **KaiserCube, Xillax, ZeXal2828, SharpEyLogic - thanks so much!**

 **Anonymous - all hail the Gheb.**

 **Rotciv557 - Good man, I had planned to use Guzma's signature pokemon anyways.**

* * *

 _PME Recap - Artur became a man spider, Lute embraced the memes to be a gamer gril, and Natasha is replaced by Slouise, a version of Louise infamous from her low speed gains in Mangs' randomized runs. Rennac is replaced by Guzma while Dozla has become a stand to a Joestar. Plus L'Arachel uses swords.  
_

* * *

 **Chapter 6 – Sloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww**

"Slouise huh?" Caellach looked rather amused, or maybe horny (I get those mixed up all the time). "You mean Louise?"

"No, Slouise. With an s."

"…k." _Names be damned, this woman is hot._ "Got some nice taste in drink, there. Back in Jehanna we only drink Mountain Dew."

"You're from Jehanna? ….then maybe you can help me."

"YES!" Caellach guzzled down his can and threw it at a patron. "I've got some condoms with my wallet."

"Huh? Oh nono, good sir, I'm of the cloth."

"Well why don't we….excuse me?"

Slouise finished her Pepsi. "Yes, I'd be going against the saintly Latona faith. Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me lay low in this town, as Grado soldiers are chasing me-"

But Caellach was expecting some nookie, so all he heard was:

 **"blah blah blah Grado blah blah blah the emperor blah blah blah blah"**

"Yeaaaaah, right. Um….well we'd need some money to do….what you just said. So let's hit the arena!"

"Please Caellach, we must be careful. Who knows what kind of terrifying Grado soldier they've assigned to this town!"

* * *

"Ok, Barth, do you understand your directive?" Hector paced the dull-looked armored knight. "Princess Amelia is on the run, and you must intercept her."

"Yes sir."

"And a mage named Slouise has fled Grado Castle. Traitors aren't tolerated, so your men are to find her as well."

"…"

"Did I _stutter_ , Captain?" Hector snarled in his best impression of Stanley Hudson.

"But….that's TWO people to hunt down."

The beardly man sighed and pinched his nose. "Barth, Barth, we've been over this. You've taken classes! Armored knights don't HAVE to be completely slow and useless, remember?"

"Okay. Do we kill Slouise for her crimes?"

"Oh no," his superior began, "the traitor _obviously_ should be treated with milk and cookies for abandoning her country."

"Yes sir. Oatmeal or chocolate?"

"…I hate you."

XXXXX

Outside of the town, Hector grunted as he daunted over to his rather lackadaisical brother, a wyvern lord named Haar.

"Something on your mind, Hector?"

"Yeah. I can't see my forehead."

"…." Haar raised an eyebrow.

"Let's just go back to the fort and get some donuts."

The two quickly left. Yes I know it would make more sense if Hector and Lex were brothers. But Haar has that sexy eyepatch.

* * *

In the opposite side of Serafew, Team Amelia was closing in. Our princess looked longingly at the Grado-controlled town before her.

"Oh….Marry Sue and I would always come here to go to Grado. We'd get ice cream, hold hands, laugh….sigh, where does the time go?"

"Maybe Grado kept this place the same?" Franz asked with a smile. Until he noticed a sign.

 **NO ICE CREAM ALLOWED**

"That's harsh…" Nino pouted down at her banana split. She asked Jaffar to wipe her face, but he declined, still fearing Chris Hansen.

"Excuse me…."

A new figure, a wise-looking sage with Dante (from the Devil May Cry series) colored hair looked to be searching for someone.

"Who might you be? A Grado spy?" Jagen demanded.

"Nothing of the sort. I'm searching for a young girl with green hair."

Nino pointed to herself. Jaffar paled when Chris Hansen teleported behind the mysterious new figure. Said figure, Pent, shook his head. "Not you, I'm afraid."

"Sorry mister, but we don't have any more lolis to spare."

"That's a shame."

Chris adjusted his tie and moved in for the kill.

"-because I need to return her to her home."

"…!" _Man these guys are getting trickier…_

* * *

Caellach and Slouise emerged from the tavern, with the former gesturing her to follow. They soon reached a large arena on the edge of the town.

"Yeah?" the arena runner lowered his newspaper. "You want to fight?"

"Yeah! My luck's beautiful today." Calellach set down a sack of gold on the counter. "Gimme your toughest opponent!"

 **LEVEL 20 WVYERN LORD – SILVER LANCE**

"Uhhh…..maybe not THAT one…"

 **LEVEL 19 DRUID – NOSFERATU**

"Best two out of three!"

"Caellach, I think those Grado soldiers spotted me!

 **LEVEL 18 REDDITOR – FEDORA**

"Oh come ON, I said your toughest opponent, not the only thing comparable to Satan! Just give me your slowest armored knight, or something."

"CAELLACH! H-HELP!"

"In a minute, Boob Lady!" Caelleach rolled his eyes. "Women. By the way, think you can squeeze in a viewing seat for my new friend? I've got some time to kill before my assignment."

XXXXX

"Get back here, traitor!" Two soldiers were chasing Slouise through the town. "We've got orders to arrest you for your crimes!"

"No! I beg you, the empire must listen to me!"

Naturally they were knocked out cold when Artur's spider body crashed into them.

"Huh?" Slouise looked over. "Thank heavens! You folks aren't allied with the empire, yes?"

"We're from Renais!" Amelia smiled. "Do you need some help?"

"I need….I need…."

Gheb, Dorcas, Belle, Franz, Bosswin, Jaffar, Nino, and Boulder were all mesmerized by her jiggling D-cups as she fretted about, while Amelia was smiling like a loon, Jagen was being calm as always, Artur was unconscious, and xXL00tXx was making new gaming merch.

"Damn….she's hot."

"Indeed.

"I'd like to motorboat those."

"I believe this is what the kids say, _muh di_ -"

"They're just so b-bouncy!"

"In your face, Hansen…"

"MAN! I'd love to lock HER up in a dungeon! Anyone agree?!" Gheb asked. They all glared at him. "Oh fine, be a bunch of flamers!"

Jagen cleared his throat. "Did you _get_ all of that, you fools?"

"Can you explain it again?" Franz asked, totally missing the point. "Oh wait, we don't have time! Grado soldiers are all around us!"

"Please, I can fight with you! We need to find Caellach…"

XXXXX

"Are you gonna fight, or what?"

 **CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK**

"No that's okay, take 5000 years. You do you, you son of a-"

XXXXX

"LISTEN UP!" Jagen counted the houses before them. "We're to split up and take on their men in three different groups! One group will take the left side of the wall."

"…"

"Are you people still watching the boobs?!"

"No, Jagen." Amelia was memorized. "That bandit over there…."

He looked like Ye Olde Bandit, but there was something….special about him. Was it the bandanna? The greasy face? The actual affinity that made the panties drop?

"Uhhh…..hey. W-We're kinda gonna ransack this town."

The group was still looking at him.

"Uhhh…..o-okay then? Geez, there never teach you in this in bandit school…" He and his buddies circled around Amelia to head for the first house of the day, but Caellach was charging over, pissed off.

"ARMORED BITCHES! I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING!"

"Caellach?! I thought you were fighting in the arena!" Slouise exclaimed. This made Bandit-kun freeze up, and it only took five seconds for the merc to rush in and cut all of their heads off.

"ARGH! I was, but who designed their armor?! I got so impatient!" he blinked. "What, you made more friends?"

 _Bingo!_ "Excuse me, Mr. Caellach?" Amelia tugged on his sleeve. "Can you help us help her help you help him?"

"I already tried that! She's holy!"

Gheb scoffed, already thinking about his dungeon.

"But whatever! This day blows!"

So they were off!

* * *

 **Group #1 – Franz, Boulder, Nino, and Amelia**

"I'll lead the way!" declared the armored bitch, running up the stairs to fight an archer. But he only got halfway before stopping and panting. "Umm….maybe I'll take a quick break…"

 **CLINK CLINK CLINK**

"Good job, Boulder! He's wasting his shots on you! Good plan!"

"Plan?"

* * *

 **Group #2 – Jagen, Belle, Gheb, Slouise, Artur**

"So remember, always avoid that Gheb guy, he's very shady."

Slouise looked over. "That fellow that's throwing that Secret Book back at that man's face?"

"No I mean the man that's strangling him."

Meanwhle Jagen was poking Artur's body with a stick.

* * *

 **Group #3 – Caellach, xXL00tXx, Jaffar, Bosswin**

 _Man. This group's nuts. That guy's not saying anything, that chick sounds weird, and that guy_ "are you shooting **dildos?!"**

"Excuse me? Beg pardon sir," Bosswin replied in a Thomas the Tank/George Carlin voice, "but they're not just dildos."

His hair immediately shed, just as one made a soldier choke to death.

"They're _radioactive_ green dildos."

"U wot m8? XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD"

Caellach looked strangely uncomfortable. "I'm just gonna…check this house…."

XXXX

"Okay dokey! I'm gonna make all of the folks back in Silva proud!" declared the newest recruit to the Grado army, a plucky girl with blonde pigtails enlaced with purple hair. "Got my staves, my horse…oh hi! Are you going to the capital, now?"

"Uhhh, I believe you owe me some free stuff?"

Elise gasped. "You're right! Well, take this!" She handed Caellach a rock.

"…"

"It's shiny!"

"you're lucky I have a blonde fetish or I'd throw this back at your face."

"Feh-tish?"

Caelllach nearly jumped out of his skin when Hansen's reflection appeared in the window, so he GTFO'd out of there.

XXXXX

Meanwhile Jaffar entered the next house, where a red-haired dancer was twirling around. Said dancer froze when he looked him over.

"You're Archibald Meatpants? Goody! I brought some protection."

"?" Poor Jaffar wasn't used to traps; this one was named Boy.

* * *

After some more houses, bandit looting, Amelia wasting 30 minutes to phantom this one armored knight to death-

 **CLINK CLINK CLINK**

The group convened at the town's north against Captain Barth, who's eyes lit up in horror when he saw both Caellach and Slouise.

"Hey…..you said you were a mercenary. You never showed up for work."

"Huh? I got distracted."

"She's still alive."

"Please be cautious everyone, that's Captain Barth! He's faster than me!" Slouise stepped back in fear. "The emperor, he's not the same!"

"I don't care what you have to say." Barth cleared his throat. "All traitors to the Grado empire must perish, and that INCLUDES you, Dame Slouise, even if you're very attractive. It is my civic duty that I follow my orders to the-why can't I feel my legs?

He looked up. He had been sliced in two with the neato Armorslayer Franz found from a house. Caellach sported a wicked grin. "Armored knights should not monologue. They're already slow!"

"Your _mom's_ slow…." Barth wheezed out, taking his final breaths before dying.

"Well that was anticlimactic," the merc mused, stealing Barth's wallet. "At least we saved your keister, Slouise!"

"Thank you." Slouise sighed in relief. "You folks are from Renais, correct? Perchance I could tell you."

"Yeah, why were those soldiers chasing you?"

 _"Seriously?"_ everyone but Jagen said. "Look at her!"

"Oh no, it's not because of my looks. You see….I serve the Grado Imperial Temple. My mentor was recently arrested and killed! It was a false accusation. He told me….the emperor wishes to destroy them.

 ***DING* pronoun game.**

"…er, what was that? Anyways, the Sacred Stones have shielded evil from our fair land for generations. Without them, monsters are free to roam the world!"

 ***DING* Exposition.**

"what on earth-on top of that, Emperor has changed. He used to be 99% evil instead of 100%!"

 ***DING* Math.**

"Can you give the abridged version?" Amelia asked. "Cinema Sins keeps following us."

 ***DING* Breaking the fourth wall.**

"Huh….emperor bad, stones in danger, hot mage in your party get?"

 **"DING* Scene does not contain a lap dance.**

* * *

MEANWHILE, at a Grado fort…Narcian burst through the double doors, ready for his trusted lackey, Lucius, to give him a status update.

"Oh hello, General Narcian. Fancy meeting you here."

"Lucius, who's the fairest in the land?"

"You sir."

"And who's going to capture Marry Sue and Amelia and make them my slaves?"

"You sir."

"What?! I meant _you_! Idiot, you haven't captured him yet!"

"I apologize," Lucius bowed, "but Prince Marry Sue doesn't know when to give up. He launches attacks from the woods and retreats after."

"WHAT?! He's a bloody dancer!"

"General, have you forgotten his name?"

"Hmph!" Narcian brushed a flock of hair out of his eye. "Then I suggest you come up with a plan, right now, so I claim his jewel instead of _yours."_

"uhhhhh…" Lucius thought fast; Narcian would play hide the sausage with every trap in Magvel if given the chance. "why don't we use the traitor angle?"

"Hmmmmm…..it's so overused and hackneyed it HAS to work! Lay it on me!"

 **ZIP**

"Wrong lay."

 **ZIP**

"Wrong zipper."

* * *

Not too far, in a nearby forest….the prince was traveling slowly and cautiously, with his two companions and loyal soldiers.

"Hey Ed?"

 _"*sigh*_ What is it, Arden?"

"Do ducks dream?"

"What?" Local alchemist and shorty Edward Elric turned to stare at his dim-witted knight friend. "How the heck should I know?"

"It's been driving me crazy," Arden said. "Maybe they're like toads."

"Are….are you saying toads dream?"

"Well duh, everyone knows that!"

"Hold," came the prince's order. "Edward, Arden, how we doing on food and supplies?"

"Let's see…." Ed took out an abacus because he wanted to ching-chong Nippon it up. "Carry the two, hold the seven…..yeah, we're below."

"Below what?"

"Below the lower limit. In fact, we should've died three days ago."

Marry Sue, a prince loved by many, hated by many, lusted after by many, stared back in utter disbelief. "Uh…..well! Guess we keep going on then."

"Plot armor's the best," Arden said happily.

"Arden, that only applies to the main character."

"Huh?"

Arden suddenly caught on fire, got stung by all sorts of bees, karate chopped by ninja, flashed by that creepy guy at the mall, punched by orcs, and slashed by redditor neckbeards.

"Well….it can't get any worse…"

And struck by lightning.

"…..ouchies."

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: sorry, the beginning chapters are plain and the crazy edits don't start just yet. Also like Mangs I am going to seperate the group into two different parties. It'll make it easier for jokes.**

 **Next Time - Marry Sue Time.**


	7. IT'S A TRAP

_PME Recap: Kyle is replaced by our favorite knight Arden, while Forde is replaced by the alchemist that looks a lot like him, Edward Elric._

* * *

 **Chapter 7 – IT'S A TRAP**

The third member of Marry Sue's pack, a skilled axeman by the name of Orsin came barreling through the woods with his trusted Pugi. "Milord! We've got trouble!"

"What is it?"

"Grado soldiers surround us, on all sides."

Edward sighed. "Guess we'd better head back to the capital. C'mon, I'll transmutate Arden's armor so it doesn't smell like the inside of my dead grandmother."

"Actually, I've got a different idea – we assault Renvall!"

The three knights were stunned.

"AND for good measure, we throw eggs at them too, since I'm in the mood for some pranking."

"Are you crazy?! There's four of us and ten, eleven, MORE THAN FOUR soldiers around!" Orsin protested. "Why would you suggest such a thing?"

"Orsin. My _name?"_

"…"

"Besides, I don't-"

Arden and Edward giggled and clapped their hands, knowing he was gonna say the cool line that they were waiting for.

"-engage in encounters I can lose in!"

"What? Aw Lord Marry Sue…."

* * *

The leader of Renvall, a peerless swordsman by the name of Glass, noticed their arrival even the throne was flanked by walls and he didn't have heat vision, but then again, I'm just reading off the teleprompter.

"S-Shit! That's the prince of Renais! Listen up, men! I want you guys to kill and/or capture him."

"Why?" asked a soldier.

"Because he's our enemy….?"

"But Sir Glass, he's delicious!"

"NO!" Glass bitchslapped a whole line of his men. "Traps are evil! Why do you think they're called traps?! Oh sure, they look like cute girls, but next thing you know, you're trying to convince your wife you're not gay! WELL SCREW YOU TOO BABE!"

"…..you need a minute, Glass?"

"Just kill them! I'll be taking this Cosmo quiz on the throne."

His men saluted him and spread out for the offensive. Glass checked off some boxes and flipped some pages to the results.

"…..wait, what the hell's an otter?"

XXXXX

"If we're careful, we can easily sneak past the enemy!"

Edward and Orsin glared at Arden when the irony of him _clanging around_ , trying to be sneaky, led to two cavaliers to approach them.

"Let us begin!" Marry Sue pointed. "Arden, use the power of pursuit!"

 _Ha! there's no way this armored knight can be fast enough to stand up to my sick Steel Lance!_ thought cavalier #453. _Everyone knows knights are the bottom of the food chain because they're slow!_

"PURSUUUUUITTTTTT!" Arden swung his massive co-I mean _longsword_ at the first one, **twice** , killing him.

 _OH CRAPBASKETS! NO! CAVALIER #705!_ He turned and sped off, but Edward clapped his hands together and slammed them to the ground.

"Going somewhere?!"

He transmutated the floor to create a hole, trapping the poor cavalier. Then Orsin jumped into the air, and a chorus of children voices intoning "Pugi" nonstop rang out.

"EAT A PUGI, BITCH!" The resulting crit smashed his head to paste. "Praise Pugi!"

"PUGI!" Arden chimed in rather loudly, alerting a mage and a shaman that were guarding the walled chest.

"Arden, get away from there!" Marry Sue ran around and quickly unlocked the door with his special notspecial main character powers. Then Orsin rang in and smashed his massive co-I mean axe around until they were dead. "What's in the chest…..?"

 **YOU GOT A KILLER LANCE**

"I got an idea, guys…."

XXXX

Further down the hall, two soldiers were keeping watch for Marry Sue's merry men. Yes I am not proud of that one. "Hey, Bob….it's getting quiet. You think they killed the cavaliers?"

"Nah. They're fine!"

The dead horses were thrown into them.

"A-Arden, I meant for you to USE the lance to tank the next set of enemies. You really didn't need to throw animals at people."

"The power of pursuit," was his reply, as if that explained everything.

"You know what, it does!"

Damn it. So our heroes continued on, where Edward spotted three more cavaliers waiting by the edge of the wall. Unfortunately for them, he was spotted.

"Hey look! Marry Sue's brought a dumb giant, a nobody, and a shortie!"

Unfortunately for _them,_ THAT was Edward Elric's hot button.

"Shortie….?!" he shook as his hands crackled with alchemic lightning. "You're calling me short?! As in, not tall! As in, too short I have to ride the lamer roller coasters?! AS IN, I CAN PASS IN MIDGET PORN?!"

"Uh…..we didn't say th-"

"DIEEEEE!" Edward summoned herculean strength and swing them all around like a merry go around, allowing Arden and Orsin to clobber them as they passed around and around. He threw them down and pummeled them until they were knocked out.

XXXXXX

"Sir Glass! They're catching up!"

Glass looked up from his magazine. "What?! But we outnumber them! Don't tell me I have to do everything myself? Send in the shamans!"

XXXXXX

Down the side hall, said shamans appeared with a purple tome in hand – the Yotsumungand.

"Lord Marry Sue!"

"I know, I see them too!"

"No, I stubbed my toe and it really hurts…" Orsin grumbled.

The spell took the form of a fluid, shadow-esque morph through the floor that rose up to attack its victim – Marry Sue dodged the first one, Edward blasted the second, and the third-

"Time to use the power of-" Arden flailed wildly when the spell struck him, and his skin glowed pink. "-pursuit?!"

"You idiot! That's only when you're attacking! You really think yelling THE POWER OF PURSUIT protects you from fire?"

"Y-Yeah?"

Arden roared in pain when the ensuing poison damage knocked his health down, around-

"9 points?! But why?" the prince demanded. "You shamans don't play….Orsin!"

"Oh no…." the shamans began to sweat.

"Yes, milord?"

"Activate the _Pugi Protocol."_

The castle walls dissolved into a background of fluttering sakura petals, in widescreen DVD format. Edward, Marry Sue, and Genealogy meme stood as Orsin, now with a hyper-realistic Seinen-style face, raised the deadly axe.

 **"You've harmed my prince's friend, Arden. By the rules of my God and Lord Pugi, I must kill you."**

"Wait! Why kill all of us?! It was only him!"

 **"Silence! Pugi is love….pugi is life. When I was 8 years old, I loved Pugi. I had all of the merchandise. I prayed to Pugi every night, thanking it for the life I have. My dad came in and called me Pugi's bitch. I called him Mom. He was just jealous of my devotion to Pugi and slapped me. I went back to my room, crying. It is very cold, but I felt a warmth. It was Pugi."**

The shamans looked at each other in confusion – how can an axe move?

 **"It went into my hands with its strong handle and said it's Pugi time. It hurts but I endure the pain, just for Pugi. Then we fly off into the distance. Would like you me to repeat that?"**

 **YES X  
**

 **NO**

"NO you idiot that's the wrong-

 **"Silence! Pugi is love….pugi is life. When I was 8 years old, I loved Pugi. I had all of the merchandise. I prayed to Pugi everynight, thanking it for the life I have. My dad came in and called me Pugi's bitch. I called him Mom. He was just jealous of my devotion to Pugi and slapped me. I went back to my room, crying. It is very cold, but I felt a warmth. It was Pugi.**

 **It went into my hands with its strong handle and said it's Pugi time. It hurts but I endure the pain, just for Pugi. Then we fly off into the distance. Would like you me to repeat that?"**

"NO!" all three shamans shouted. "We can still take you all on!"

Arden was hit by more poison damage, forcing Orsin's hand. He raised the Pugi, just as a strange new song began to play. As it rose and rose in volume, the veteran licked his lips and whispered a lone "Pugi…."

 **Pugi pugi pugi that's a name you should know**

 **Pugi pugi pugi it's the star of the show**

 **I know what you think, this meme really stinks!**

 **Pugi pugi that's the one!**

 **It comes right….back at ya!**

 **It comes right...back at ya!**

During the trumpet solo, Orsin's mighty Pugi slaughtered the shamans, but also the remaining soldiers that dared to come close enough to touch the mighty Pugi. Also Arden almost died but luckily Edward transmutated some swamp water into an antidote.

"Um….this is just _regular_ swamp water…"

With a final PUGI!, Orsin smashed the wall leading to Glass, who was doing more magazine quizzes. "Damn it! They all say the same thing! I am a _top!"_

"Excuse me, sir?" Marry Sue waved his hands. "We're here to kill you, and hopefully find my father."

"ACK!" Glass grabbed his sword and jumped forward. "Then if that's the case, it's me against you, Marry Sue! Your little friends are too busy for this one…."

Orsin used too much Pugi power and couldn't move.

Arden was still….dying.

Edward was writing nasty letters to those jerkheaded amusement park attendants.

"Very well!" Marry Sue jumped forward and twirled around. "Have at you!"

 _Urgh…is he trying to seduce me…?_

"Make the first move, you fiend! And I'll return it ten times as hard…."

 _H-Hard? No, NO! Don't let the trap confuse you! I am Glass, peerless swordsman! …because all of my peers are dead._

"Fight me!"

 _Fuck him?_ "DAMN IT, I'M NOT GAY!" Glass roared and jumped out of the window, speeding off to parts unknown and to hopefully reconcile with his wife.

Just kidding, he would later join the cast of Himegoto.

* * *

"We did it!" Arden cheered, as the group relaxed in the castle. "We took back Renvall! Everything's gonna be alright now…"

"No it's not!" panted Edward, who was scouting. "We've got trouble!"

"Wait, why are you dressed as a maid?"

"It's…..you….just come outside!"

XXXXX

Marry Sue, Edward, and Arden all hurried out of the castle, but Grado troops surrounded them – wyverns, sages, generals, movie geeks, geek geeks, snipers, redditors, and of course, IGN.

"Well, well, WELL!" Narcian chuckled evilly. "It seems we've trapped you, Marry Sue! How ironic, given your current status!"

"And you are…?"

"Narcian! The general tasked to bring your body to the emperor himself! You have no Renais left to go back to."

"Milord…..this is bad…."

"Hmmm…well tell me, Narcian. How did you know we would attack Renvall?"

Narcian's eyes twinkled. He nodded at sniper #45, who nodded to a Blitz sage, who nodded to someone from r/the_donald, who nodded at the putz who loves the 7.8/10 score, who nodded at Etika, who nodded at Shrek, who nodded at Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who nodded at Markyjoe, who nodded at Ghast, who nodded at Mekkah, who nodded at dondon, who nodded at Gwimpage, who nodded at-

"STOP! Can we _stop_ with the endless nodding gag! Family Guy already buried it bad enough!"

"Fine, Marry Sue. Choose your destiny! Either you stand here, and fight Grado with your….pathetic pack of soldiers and most likely die….or submit."

"My exam?"

"No! To me!" Narcian cackled and raised his boot. "Get you on your knees, lick your lips, and call me Daddy."

"So you wish to disgrace me in front of my loyal men! Tell them, Edward!"

"Marry Sue is better than that!"

"Tell them, Arden!"

"The power of pursuit!"

"The OTHER thing, Arden."

"Oh…Marry Sue's not a lame punk-ass bitch!"

"Tell them, Orsin!"

"…"

"Orsin?" Marry Sue looked around. "Orsin! Did someone see an Orsin? He's about ye tall, brown hair, carries an axe named Pugi?"

"PUGI!" shouted someone in the crowd. Narcian threw a rock at him.

"Hahahahaa…..seems your friend has vanished! What a surprise, what a surprise….so your chances of victory have dropped from a 0.0001% to 0%!"

"Statistically impossible, I still have Edward and Arden."

"…man you're annoying. Alt-right lads…..CHARGE!"

And thus, the most dramatic battle of the century began, with only three Renais soldiers to square off against hundreds of Grado men. It seemed hopeless for Marry Sue, but he fought and fought, and the scene is, is just so dramatic and awesome that I cannot hope to get it a proper description. It was SO-

….

….

…..

Just kidding, Marry Sue escaped.

For more information on how Pugi can enrich your life today, call 1-800-PUGI and ask to speak to an operator. All forms of donations to Pugi are accepted, including trap hentai.

 **FIN**

 **Pugi!**

 **Next Time - Spiders, hags, and children, oh my!**


	8. Gray Matters (starring Heather Graham)

**Review Time:**

 **Cyberchao X - Really glad that you're enjoying, but I'm especially glad you're playing mass catch up for other stuff, too! Seeing 7+ reviews at once made me happy :)**

* * *

 _PME Recap - Orson has been replaced by Orsin, the Pugi master from Thracia 776._

* * *

 **Chapter 8 – Gray Matters (starring Heather Graham)**

"Hehehehe…."

While Hector and his incompetent armored knight captain failed to stop Amelia, Yoder had a different approach to take. Just outside of a forest, he was speaking to an elderly druid.

"So your men have trailed the princess, Niime?"

Said druid had white hair, with one side braided. "Indeed. She just left Serafew with her pack of merry men, so the time for ambush is nigh."

"Excellent! Now, I must ask if you can even HANDLE this assignment. After all, I've heard she can summon phantoms."

"Are you doubting me, Yoder? You didn't doubt me that night in Carcino."

The bishop flushed and gave her a dark look. "I told you years ago, I don't like that position! Stop trying to entice me! I have ambition, not to waste the last of my years with an old hag like you!"

 _We're the same age, you twit._ "Fine. I trust you wish to see Amelia suffer? I have a brilliant plan to subdue her."

She pointed to a wagon of tied up/gagged children. Then she had to use a fire hose to blow away the people that got too close, including Ronald McDonald, Hisoka, and Herbert the Pervert.

"No, a task like THIS relies on mere servants. I'm far too busy."

Yoder bid her farewell and left, but Niime had her own (dark) plans.

"So you say, Yoder. But I always get what I want, and if I can't have you, then I'll just kill you. ….after I rise up and replace you in Emperor's eyes."

Then she noticed the next annoying pursuer.

 _"Back off, Jared!"_

After spraying him, she pulled the wagon through the forest. Once putting them in the proper place for her plan, she moved onward to find Amelia.

XXXX

"Jagen, look! That's her! Mrs. Claus!"

Niime shrugged the mistake off and instead, chuckled softly. "Princess Amelia, I presume? What good fortune, meeting you and your lot here."

"Stay on your guard, milady, everyone knows witches are bad news."

"Excuse me? That's offensive, I'm a DRUID. They're not the same thing." Niime's smile was eerie. "Care to surrender the bracelet on your hand, there?"

"Huh? But why?"

"Because you're from Renais and I'm from Grado?" she replied in the most deadpan of voices, "A token to appease His Majesty."

"Don't do it, milady," Jagen warned. "Remember what we learned, we don't get in strange carriages and we don't give things to strangers."

"Fool! Can you afford to play Sesame Street on me?"

Niime began to warp around the forest, her voice echoing throughout.

"Right now, your precious brother, Marry Sue, is rotting in a cell. He has fallen at Renvall!"

"You lie! Big brother is the best! He'd never lose to a hag like you!"

"HAG?!" Niime hissed and appeared right above Nino, Boulder, and Artur. "Remember what you learned at the Evil Elderly Woman Association meetings….it's just a word…." with a snap of her fingers, shadows appeared, dangling one of the children in midair for all to see.

"HELP!" she sobbed. "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

"Hand over the bracelet, Princess Amelia, or else the poor children of Renais will perish! I hear hungry spiders occupy this forest…?"

For good measure, Nino and Boulder hit Artur with a rock.

"No! Not the children!"

 _"Yes,_ the children! Do you know how many creepy middle aged men I had to fight off to kidnap them?"

"Don't, milady!" Jagen shook her wildly. "If you give her the bracelet, all will be lost!"

"I WANT TO GO HOME!" the girl shouted. "PLEASE, PRINCESS AMELIA!"

"J-Jagen….I've got no choice…." Amelia removed the bracelet from her arm, but Niime wasn't done yet. She cackled and warped to a branch near Dorcas.

"All of you, do the chicken dance!"

With glares from everyone, they did.

"Now….I don't know, disrobe."

"Do we really-"

Niime pointed to the child. Said child stared, wide eyed at everyone removing their clothes, but she screamed and shut her eyes when she saw Gheb.

"HEY, SCREW YOU! LET'S SEE YOU DO BETTER!"

"Now….get rid of your weapons!"

"No way!" Jagen retorted. "I'd rather humiliate myself than make myself an easy target! You ask too much, hag!"

"There you go, with the accursed H word again. Fine!"

The child screamed as she was dragged away, in the forest. Niime laughed like a classic wit-I mean, druid, and disappeared with a final parting: "Let's see you stop me before the spiders kill them!"

"We've got to stop her, Princess!" Slouise said. "Hurry, let us dress and give chase!"

"Good idea! Guys, you ready?"

Not particularly. Despite all being nude themselves, Franz, Belle, Boulder, Dorcas, Gheb, xXL00tXx, Bosswin, Nino, Jaffar, and Caellach were memorized by the rare sight of a naked Slouise. All of them were even drooling slightly.

"Guys?"

"I'll handle this, milady." Jagen stepped in front of her, making the onlookers scream and cover their eyes. "That's right, look at it, you cowards!"

* * *

"Dame Niime, you're back! What's the plan?"

Yoder's ex scoffed and stood near a curved oak tree. "I'll simply bombard these idiots with my classic Fenrir spell. Spread out at once, soldiers!"

The Grado infantry nodded and took different paths.

"And me?" asked the hopeful priest. "I've been dying to use my special secret Rexaura tome."

"Oh please, you're generic fodder. Just stall them with your Sleep staff."

The priest sniffled and walked off. "Remember what the Generic Fodder Appreciation classes told you…."

* * *

"I see a house in the distance, General Jagen!" Franz said. Now out of the humiliating/arousing spell, the group was back in action. "Who shall visit it?"

" _Gee,_ Franz, who can fly?"

Nino rose her hand.

"….you can?"

"In my dreams!" she said proudly. Jaffar nodded, as if that suddenly proved anything.

"…go, Belle. Like before we need to advance carefully, as they can ambush us from all angles. Everyone, stay clos-NO DON'T ALL SPLIT UP!"

XXXX

Belle swooped over to the southern house, and knocked on the door. A mousy man with glasses opened the door. "yes?"

"There's Grado soldiers, spiders, and ol' hags around. Figured I'd warn you."

"Hm. By the rules of society, I'm supposed to give you something."

"Yes sir!" Belle smiled wide. "I'll take something cool, like a Speedwings or a Nintendo Switch."

"Settle down there, girlie, I'll give you something. But first you have to listen to my tale." he patted his couch and sat down across from it with a rather lack stack of papers in hand. "It's my fanfiction."

"Uh….s-sure, I guess?"

Belle took a seat, and the man cleared his throat.

 _"Open on the sun rising on a glorious plain, with the smell of manure lending itself to an organic aura you simply don't see in the big cities. It seemed like an average morning, save for the spear currently lodged through Jessica's chest. It was not her day. Title:_

 ** _THREE WEEKS EARLIER_** _."_

"Oh geez…."

"What?"

"I mean uh….oh gee, can't wait for more!" she lied, smiling through her teeth.

* * *

 **Battle #1**

Jaffar crept behind a tree and took out his sharpest knife. He watched some myrmidons scurry past him, including one with a Killing Edge, but he readied to strike when he saw his target – an armored knight.

"Hey Jaffar!" Nino shouted behind him. "Can we team up?"

"Nino…..I'm trying to kill this high DEF unit to make it easier for our allies."

"Oh…." the mage clasped her hands together and beamed. "Hooray! you're finally making more friends, Jaffar! Everyone in Lark would always say your only friend would be Linkin Park."

 _"CRAWWWLING in my…_ *ahem*, yes, yes. They're not as annoying as they could be."

"You guys done talking?" asked the armored knight. "I mean, I've got a 3:00 with my dentist."

"Oh we're sorry Mr. Knight. Jaffy here has friends!"

 _"Jaffy?"_

"O….M….G!" the knight giggled and dropped his friend. "Do tell, girlfriend!"

* * *

 **Battle #2**

xXL00tXx and Artur scurried onward, and the mage's shots burnt a few mercs, allowing the man-spider to pounce for the finishing blow. But while the gamer looked perfectly content with roasting people, her friend looked…hesistant.

"Do I really have to eat their corpses, too?"

"You're a monster, Artur, it's simple science m8."

"But I don't WANT people to think I'm a monster! I want to help people, and show them I mean them no warm. Right, guys?"

The mercs whimpered and shook their heads, hugging each other.

"S-Small sample size then. I'm sure _someone_ likes me."

"NO!" a bunch of Grado soldiers shouted, blowing their cover. xXL00tXx smiled and Blazer'd them to an early grave.

"xXL00tXx, I don't think that was necessary."

"They're attacking us, m8!"

"You're making the corpses pick each other's noses!"

* * *

 **Battle #3**

Jagen and Amelia reached a small fort in the center. The two hurried inside, and the next phantom was made.

"Excellent. Distracting those knaves will give me ample time to attack."

"Jagen, I demand you tell me what's up with these bracelets! That old hag-druid noticed it, and everyone knows old people can't see!"

"That's not true!"

Amelia held up a newspaper: **ELDERLY CARRIAGE DRIVER RUNS OVER 20**

"That could be doctored…"

"That's _you_ in the picture! Jagen! Does it have some kind of special plot meaning?"

"Uh…." Jagen tensed up. "Wait. I hear hoof prints. I promise I'll explain, milady, but only if you try to kill something. If you want to be treated like a big girl, you'll need to earn it."

"Challenge accepted!" she cried out, suddenly dressed in an Armani suit.

XXXXX

Four cavaliers closed in on the fort, with one holding a Horseslayer. He got annoyed when his buddies kept snickering that it was too heavy.

"Oh stop it, all of you! What if we run into a cavalier THEN who's the loser?"

"Halt!"

In front of them was Amelia, surrounded by hundreds of phantoms. Some had Steel Lances, some had Javelins, some had things like Keyblades, dildos, light sabers, and katana blades.

"I'm Princess Amelia, and my army says you guys aren't taking another step! You'll never tell which one is the real one!"

"….the one that's talking right now?"

"Time to enter MAXIMUM WEEB MODE!" Amelia tied a Leaf Village headband around her forehead. "Shadow Clone no Jutsu!"

"DATTEBAYO!" the clones all shouted.

"CHAAAAAARGE!"

The phantoms all jumped to attack. The cavs tensed up, their psychological fear of flashy shonen ninja weebness giving them so much PTSD MatPat would make a brand new episode of Game Theory.

* * *

 _"Hello internet! Welcome to Game Theory! Today's episode features something you might have seen in the Jamaican nurse taking care of your dear ol' granddad – PEE TEE XD."_

 _The backdrop was the phantoms attacking the cavaliers (and being killed in a single hit), while Mat used clip art of a shouting old man._

 _"You see, PTSD was invented by the Germans in 1899, the EXACT year the grandfather of Shigeru Miyamoto would sire his father. Did you know you, me, and the internet ALSO have a father? Now, dads were invented in the middle ages by gypsies and insurance salesman in a joint scheme to redpill the planet on why women were NOT as physically fit as their male counterparts. This fact is proved in the game Undertale, where Asriel gets killed – spoiler alert – in the first five minutes in the game by you, the player. Considering the Pope HIMSELF has seen this game, this makes our theory become holy, so take that, critics! You see these screaming cavaliers? Well, cavalier scrambled spells erliavaac, an element discovered in the year 3716 by Donald Trump the 96_ _th_ _. And chemistry is part of SCIENCE, which has the same letter as S in PTSD. All of this combines proves the theory you saw in the thumbnail of this video! Thanks for watching! Also, Ness is Sans."_

* * *

The enemy break down was

48 Game Theory-related deaths

1 phantom death

1 Amelia death

"I DID IT JAGEN!"

 **+1 EXP**

* * *

 **Battle #4**

Dorcas sighed and looked at the screen. "You…you don't have to describe it. It's my Dad slaughtering people while using me as a human shield."

He spat up blood when he was hit by a Javelin, but Gheb pile drived him.

* * *

Niime rolled her eyes. "Are any of them getting closer?" she took a look, and her eyes twinkled when Caellach and Bosswin came into view. She opened her spell book, and a rotation of shadow orbs appeared and sniped both.

"AH!"

"OW! NOT THE FACE, DAMN IT!"

"Hehehehehe….."

Then the priest put them to sleep. "Go, Dame Niime."

"…..I'm sorry, did you just steal my thunder?"

"Uhhh…..I was helping you!"

"Cute, real cute."

Poor guy got Fenrired, but Slouise and Franz arrived to pull them out of her range.

XXXX

"She's got long range, Sister Slouise! How do we win this?"

"I don't know, Franz. Perhaps my Blitz tome be of some help…?"

"But wait, don't hags usually have high re-" Franz snored and fell asleep, just as Niime stepped out of the shadows with the dead priest's staff – now out of use.

"I am NOT a hag! Do you think this is funny? Well, I intend to inflict horrific curses on ALL on you for your disrespect!"

"Wait!" Slouise shouted. "I demand you fight me, tome to tome!"

"A magical duel? Hehehehe, your death girlie. My magical powers are unparalled!"

"Um….you do realize you're 2 tiles away from me?"

"Yeah, so what? My Fenrir is 3-10 range."

"And you're a boss that moves?"

"….oh poop."

Slouise blasted her with four powerful Blitz shots.

* * *

 _"Connie – no, I don't think you're short, Billy – yes I am, Connie – no you're not, Billy – yes I am, Connie – no you're not. End scene, fade to black."_

Belle's eyes were twitching heavily.

"So what did you think?"

"Um….it was….a tale."

"Yeah, it was," the man smiled. "But I want some more thoughts."

"It was…good?"

"Why are you saying it like a question? Didn't you like it?"

"Y-Yeah!"

"You didn't laugh at the part with the white supremacist rally," he said with a cross look.

"Oh, uh….I didn't get it at first?"

"Ah. C'mon! If I'm to post this, then I need your honest thoughts."

"Well…..it was pretty hackneyed and unoriginal, and I think you stretched out the three weeks earlier gag. Three weeks earlier at the doctor, the orgy, the rally? It's….not very good."

The man stared at her. "Get out."

"What?!"

"No I've had it! You come in here and take a giant shit all over my story? Get out! I'm not giving you a damned thing."

"Hey! You know the rules! Me savey, me getty!"

"I don't care. There's nothing you can say or do or get to change my mind."

XXXXX

After kicking him in the shin and calling him a rip-off artist, Belle soared out of the house with her prize – an Antitoxin, aka the equivalent of garbage. But she spotted Boulder doing a MANLY boxing match with the spider.

"The kids! Good job, Boulder!"

"Kids? Oh, uh….yes! Hahaha yes, that's why I'm fighting this beast, and not because he said my mother was a dandy!"

"I said yo mother was a _bitch_ , nigga," the spider replied in a deep voice.

"Why you little!" Boulder did a Homer Simpson strangle and Belle, having no other action, threw the Antitoxin at the spider's face. It was super effective.

* * *

The group reunited afterwards, only to find Slouise standing above Niime, solemn.

"Slouise, it's okay….war is heck."

"Huh? Actually my shots did next to nothing, but the poor dear got a heart attack. I think we should bury her."

Gheb nodded….then threw a mud pie at her face.

"I was thinking something a little more respectful."

He threw two.

XXXXX

Franz was on the bagpipes, playing Amazing Grace, while the old druid was lowered into the ground; Amelia cleared her throat.

"Niime….was old. Like dinosaur tier old. But that didn't stop her from enriching her lives, like that time Caellach fell sleep or we got naked."

"That….happened not even an hour ago, Lady Amelia."

"I still got the pictures," xXL00tXx announced. Everyone high-fived her for a job well done.

"Jagen…." Amelia turned away from the elderly woman. "I did my end of the bargain, now explain what this is for?"

"….Very well. Your father entrusted me to keep it a secret. Our Sacred Stone was sealed because our ancestors feared we'd misuse it. The keys for the seal…lie in your and Marry Sue's bracelets."

"WHAT?!"

"Do you want me to repeat that?"

 **YES**

 **NO**

"The second one, Jagen. That means….that means…..BROTHER! We have to save him!" Amelia ran like a maniac, only to fall right into Niime's grave. Then the children came onto the scene, their clothes cut by the vines and loose branches.

"Uh…..Boulder, didn't we-"

"NO. You forgot to untie us after you killed the spider. So _thanks._ " they threw an Orion's Bolt into the hole and stomped off.

"….you're _welcome!"_

 **FIN**

 **I lost it writing the Game Theory parody. Like I said, we're splitting the group up like Mangs (attempted to do), so look forward to that. Next chapter is probably one of the dullest SS chapters, so hopefully I can improvise.**

 **Next Time - The story of a teenager and how his OC waifu cucked him. (pls no bully ray)**


	9. Linoan's Husbando

_PME Recap: Obvious, but various minor bosses of minor importance have all been changed to either other FE characters or something else. There. Got that out of the way!_

* * *

 **Chapter 9 – Linoan's Husbando**

After [insert value here] time later, Amelia and the others had reached a small hillside leading to Renvall, surrounded by ballista and a serene lake.

"Brother's in that fort! We gotta get inside…"

"Milady, my brother, Edward, is in that fort too!" Franz exclaimed. "Allow me to help you! Sir Arden and Sir Orsin are with him!"

"A four man rescue job, then. Alright, everyone. Say your generic battle lines before we start this thing," Jagen instructed.

 _Generic? The nerve! – Belle_

 _I like big butts, and I cannot lie. – Gheb_

 _Mister Jagen, can I use the bathroom? – Nino_

 _It's illegal to lick doorknobs on other planets! – Boulder_

 _haaax XDDD l33t 420 blaze it – xXL00tXx_

 _May Saint Latona shine down on all of us. – Slouise_

 _Can we go back to the part where she's naked? P-Please? – Caellach_

 _…. – Jaffar_

 _Testicles. That is all. – Dorcas_

 _#spiderslivesmatter – Artur_

Jagen facepalmed. "Good lord, what have we gotten into…."

* * *

"Sir Ray!" a Grado soldier ran up to the front entrance of the castle, and promptly saluted him. "We've received reports that Princess Ameila of Renais is on her way to Renvall!"

"How close?"

"Uhhh….what's less, sir, 24 tiles or 15 turns?"

Ray was a young mage knight(404) with brown hair, ordered by Lucius to take out any intruders. "What? Why would you tell me when they're closing in? Tell all of the men to take them down, and man the ballista!"

"Yes sir!"

"Also, since you spot them, are there any lolis?"

"Uhhh…I count two, sir."

 _"Decapitate them._ Death to the loli scum of the earth!"

* * *

Nino sneezed, not because we're using that Japanese cliché, but because she had to y'know, sneeze. The road ahead was flanked by a thin bridge.

"This way!"

"Milady look out!"

Luckily, the ballista shot from the north slaughtered the phantom next to her. "What do you mean, Jagen?"

"….Boulder, Nino, Jaffar….take him out."

"Aye aye sir! Let's go Jaffy!"

Meanwhile three soldiers were rushing the group from the east, but Franz and Belle charged them. Gheb and Caellach followed.

"Not the face! NOT the face!"

"GURAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Jagen picked up Amelia while Bosswin did the same with xXL00tXX and Slouise. Artur decided to help out the ballista team to the north, but his poor eyesight made him fall down a hole.

"Guys….? Guys!"

XXXX

"Shit!" Caellach stopped in place. "We go any further, that ballista will clip your wings, Belle. So that means you're up, Franz."

"H-Huh? There's a mage! Why don't you go! You're tanky!"

"The word is _banky_ , and Gheb, uh, was just saying how much he loves taking hits for the team!"

Gheb glared at him. "You mean how much your mother loved taking my _cock?"_

"WHOA!"

Caellach got in his face, eyes burning. "Say. That. Again. Bitch."

"Your mother loved taking my cock."

"Oh okay, thought I misheard you. Yeah she was a thot."

Belle rolled her eyes and flew over the ridge instead, since she wanted to gauge anyone's eyeballs out who pushed that word as a meme. Ten seconds later, she came back, singed and covered in arrows.

"Uh….yeah…..m-mage," she coughed. Then she passed out.

"BELLE!" Amelia jumped off Jagen's mount. "Who will kiss you in the ballroom? Who's heart will Maleficent steal? Who will the fandom accuse of being an idiot?"

She coughed. "It's okay. Tell Boulder…..that's why they have you…."

"HA! BURNED SON!"

"Lady Amelia, she was referring to _you."_

Just then, mercenaries came around the bend, flanked by the persistent Blitz mage. Caellach charged, and quickly turned the battle into the set of Wonder Woman to use excessive slo-mo to strike each opponent.

"You're up!"

Franz chucked a javelin, killing the first one.

Slouise threw a Blitz shot, killing the second.

Bosswin fired a dildo, making the third one wonder if he should've given his bi roommate a chance.

xXL00tXx blazed up and got the fourth one high as a kite.

And finally….

"GHEB!" Jagen barked. "You can film your creepy porno with Belle later! That carrot's for her _pegasus!"_

He blinked and moved it-

"NO! For EATING!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Jaffar, Nino, and Boulder reached the ridge of the northern Ballista man. A mage threw a fire ball, leaving Nino to use her special attack! She blew a whistle.

"Ha? You, special attack? I'm a higher level, girlie. Whatcha gonna do?"

"Only you can prevent forest fires," came a sudden voice. Smokey the Bear put his arm around the mage, confusing him, hell even the ballista guy took a look. "There's bushes and trees around. Do you want to torch this place?"

"Uhh….I guess not….?"

"WRONG! THE ANSWER'S **NO WAY** , YOU BITCH! SMOKEY SMASH!" he picked up the mage and threw him at the ballista, forcing to archer to bail. "And YOU! YOU GONNA SET FIRES, TOO?!"

He shrieked and fled, but Smokey got on all fours and hunted him down.

"Yay Smokey! Quick Mr. Boulder, we can cross the water and rejoin with the others!"

"But Nino, little girls like you can't swim."

"Hmmmm….."

Ten seconds later, they were using Artur's body as a raft.

* * *

"Sir Ray! They're coming!" the soldier shouted. "One ballista has been taken out, and they're using the DCU against us!"

Ray looked into the distance, and it seemed Amelia's pack of men was gaining the upper hand. Jagen was already speeding towards the second ballista.

"I've got no choice…..time for my SECRET WEAPON!"

"You don't mean….."

He ran inside the castle, and came out with a laptop(?). He laughed evilly as he began to type the keyboard rapidly. "They want to cheat with bullshit? Ho ho ho, I'll show them bullshit!"

He slammed the **Enter** key, and then…

A cybernetic dome engulfed the whole area, and as the data changed, so did the landscape, to a futuristic chrome temple with pictures of a mysterious woman.

 **"Hear me, Princess Amelia?"**

Said princess stopped and searched for the sound of the voice. Nino and the others rejoined just as Gheb did a "why are you hitting yourself" to the last archer.

"Uh….you're the boss? Where are you?"

 **"Like I'd tell you that! Now that all of you guys are trapped in my NIGHTMARE mode, I've got the home advantage! Ray, at your service!"**

"That weeb guy?"

 **"What, yo….that's REY, you** ** _moron_** **!"**

"That's what I said."

"Lady Amelia, I believe that's the main character of the Star Wars movie," Slouise added. But Ray was getting angrier.

 **"That's a different ARGGGGH! Listen up! I'll take your soldiers on, Amelia, but show me….your lolis."**

Amelia shrugged and lifted up her top, revealing her perky bre-I mean, censor bars.

 **"Okay, I'm gonna ask someone else now. You there! Good sir knight! The girls that are below the age of 16, reveal them!"**

Ten seconds later-

 **"NO! NO NO! Reveal as in push them forward, not…..*knock knock* oh who the hell is that?!"**

* * *

Ray got off his chair and opened the door, only to see-

"Hey. Why don't you have a seat. Right there."

"Chris Hansen? Look now really isn't the time, I'm trying to kill Princess Amelia and her goons. Kind of a villain's job, right?"

"Uh huh. Are you aware two underage girls are showing their panties in your foyer?"

"Because people don't know what the hell _alternate definitions_ are!"

"Uh uh. Have a seat. Right there." he nudged him. "C'mon."

"I'm not a…..I'll cut you a deal. You help me take them down, I won't report you to the overused gag police. Then afterwards we can get some cheese pizza."

Hansen raised a suspicious eyebrow.

"NOT THAT! WHAT IS **WRONG** WITH PEOPLE!"

* * *

"He's stopped talking….do you think he's planning something?"

The group was wandering this strange new place, unsure of where Castle Renvall was supposed to be. xXL00tXx stopped to look at the reoccurring portrait of the mysterious woman….

"See something, xXL00tXx?"

"Yes. This girl rite here. I wonder what her gamer tag is."

"Is there a label on the portrait?"

"Yes Franz," Jagen sarcastically said, "a portrait of a deceased individual would have a flipping gamer tag. Why are you so dumb, boy?"

"Actually it says it here – _RunsWithScissors45."_

Now it was Franz's turn to slap Jagen. Then, Ray's voice boomed out:

 **"Behold, my first of many attacks!"**

Parts of the floor suddenly rose up, into walls, and launched at members of the team. Slower units like Boulder, Slouise, Amelia (heheheh get it?) were clobbered, but faster units like Bosswin and Jagen evaded with ease. Then daggers fired from the walls.

 **"Attack #2!"**

Jaffar dodged each dagger and even blocked the ones aiming for Nino, but suddenly, he was grabbed and thrown into the wall.

"Time to go to jail, Jaffar," Hansen called out. "In fact….ALL of you are going to be locked up for endangering the welfare of a child!"

"HEY! Don't let this punk beat you, Edgy! It's MY constitutional right to do what I want to children! How ELSE will they learn if you aren't allowed to stab them?"

The suited host adjusted his sleeves, blocking the return attack from Jaffar. "Ah, hello, Gheb. I've got the _quite_ the file on you."

Belle was still unconscious, and her pegasus was [censored].

 _"Quite_ the file on you."

 **"ATTACK NUMBER THREE!"**

Now flamethrowers launched from parts of the room, scorching poor Artur.

"No….it's okay…..I didn't think I was in ENOUGH pain!"

"Why are you doing this?! What would you girlfriend think?!" Amelia cried out, pointing to the portraits.

 **"D-Don't talk about her, okay!"** Ray shouted. **"Taste my brilliant hacking powers for ATTACK NUMBER FOUR!"**

A rubber band hit Dorcas in the eye. Hansen falcon punched Jaffar, then flipped over Gheb to smash him into the floor. "Yes, let the battle continue!"

"NO! I want to find my brother!"

 **"Well good for you, Amelia, but unless you find my weakness, you'll never win! HAHAHA!"**

Then, Amelia tripped over a power cord, turning the battlefield back into Waterside Renvall. Ray's eyes bugged out and he tapped the **ESC** key frantically. Then he realized:

"Laptops are wireless! This author is really screwing me over!" But he had a brief window of chance while the pedo hunter was beating up everyone. "TASTE MY BLITZ TOME!"

He doubled Jagen.

"And TWO!"

He critted Franz.

"And do I hear three?!"

He quadrupled Amelia. Grinning, Ray spun his tome around, declaring himself the winner!

"Not so fast!"

"WHAT?!"

"KYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

The real Amelia (not the dead phantom) ran up to him and hopelessly banged her fists on his chest, yet it wasn't doing anything. "Curse you, Ray! Stop hurting my friends!"

"Foolish Amelia….are you aware I can kill you right _now_?" He leaned back, on his horse, who used his hoof to kick her into the dirt. Then, he charged his tome.

"MILADY!"

But just as the blast was expected to hit Amelia, she held up one of the portraits of the mysterious woman. Horrified, Ray could only watch as Blitz…

….blew off the picture's frame.

"You…..used Linoan…."

"What? Who is she?"

"DAMN IT ALL!" Ray sighed. "She's…..but a sad reminder of a younger, foolish Raymond Ze Mageknight. You see, when I was a teenager, I made a ROM hack and…."

"And….?"

Ray scratched his head, clearly embarrassed. "She was my OC's waifu, okay? Go ahead and laugh!"

"Awwww, but Ray, _everyone_ secretly wants to self-insert themselves to have a girlfriend! It's not creepy or pathetic at all!" Amelia smiled up at him.

"Well…..y-yeah, but…..there's a twist."

"Hmm?"

Ray coughed into his twist. "i….um…..get cucked by her. No paired ending."

"….."

"Son, let me tell you…." Hansen threw the bloody Dorcas to the ground. "….that's pretty sad."

"WAIT! That doesn't explain why you hate lolis so much!"

"Oh, that? They're just annoying, you know?"

Suddenly, a crowd of sugoi uguu cutesy anime idols was behind him, all pissed off and carrying weapons. "We _heard_ that, Raymond…"

"Oh…..shit…."

"We lolis have rights! You people treat us like second-class citizens! Well, no more! Soon, we will achieve a loli-filled world! CHARGE, my sisters! Viva la revolution!"

Ray ran for dear life, but as the crowd stomped past, Hansen's attention was distracted. "Hey…wait! You girls shouldn't…..get back here! Stay away from AIM chatrooms!"

And at last, only Amelia's team was left behind.

"…right, so I guess we're seizing?"

* * *

Ray cursed and took out his phone, dialing the number to the people that he met up with before Lucius hired him. "Hello? It's me!"

 _"Ah, Ray. Good job distracting Amelia, we all had a good laugh about it."_

"C-Can I please join the staff? You guys are hiding in the ruins, right?"

 _"Nah, it's….it's kinda full."_

"Oh come on! _Now_ what I supposed to do?"

* * *

 **One year later,**

"Hmmmm…okay, you've played Nintendo games like me…..we sound alike…..great! I accept you as my protégé!"

"Aw thanks!"

Ray shook his hands with his mentor for LPing – Chuggaconroy.

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: I'm literally the only person that claims the resemblance, but oh well. Sorry, the in-game chapter is notoriously dull, so there's little things to write about. Although I am enjoying this Bobobobo-esque approach to battles.**

 **And yes, this is the last time I'll use the Hansen gag.**

 **Next Time - Brother and sister reunited.**


	10. Jumanji Crackers

**Chapter 10 – Jumanji Crackers**

"L-Lady Amelia….is that really you?"

From the shadows, just as the group was going to enter Renvall, Orsin stepped out, spotting a "I Got Kidnapped and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirt.

"Sir Orsin! Wow, we were just talking about you!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. We were saying how loyal and clearly not treacherous you are."

"Uhhhh…..right! That's totally right. Prince Marry Sue and myself were held capture, but I managed to escape! See the merch? I'd be willing to show you to him."

"Thank you, Orsin!"

Jagen's bullshit meter was going off the charts. He quickly looked to Admiral Ackbar himself, eyes narrowed. He gave a thumbs down.

* * *

"This way! The prince should be this way…."

Once the whole group crossed the arch, Orsin stopped them, taking a (pretend) look around. "Okay. I don't see any guards. It was awful! For two whole weeks, Marry Sue and I were locked from the outside world…"

"N-No! Don't tell me you had to eat rats to survive!"

"Even worse, milady! We had to eat the hilariously bad cooking of anime tsunderes. Do none of these girls know to make human food?!"

"GASP!"

"G-Grado's after you, right milady? You've been hunted this whole way. Perhaps….yes, your bracelet! Maybe someone else, like a trustworthy guy like me….should hold it."

"Welll…."

Jagen got in front of her. "End this madness, Orsin, and drop your Pugi."

"E-Excuse me? That's against the Pugi faith! Uhhhh I mean, I'm CLEARLY unarmed, being a prisoner!"

"Your faith can't explain my questions! No reinforcements in the castle? You finally escape, yet your first action is come to us, not our prince?"

"My t-shirt!"

"It's a sham! DORCAS! Break down that wall!"

He did, but unfortunately, it was the wrong wall, so he just collapsed in pain. Jagen awkwardly knocked down the wall next to him, revealing the **Grado Renvall Gift Shop.**

"O-Orsin! Why?" Amelia demanded, shocked. "And 100 gold pieces for a t-shirt? You're mad!"

"Ssssh….ignore the ignorant goyim…." cackled the shopkeeper. Suddenly, Lucius and other Grado soldiers came up behind Orsin. You can tell they're bad guys, since the light under their faces dimmed.

"Sorry, Princess Amelia, but it must be this way."

"Stars above…." Amelia pushed back Bosswin and Gheb and sniffed a lock of his hair, which kinda creeped him and the other soldiers. "A trap, just like my brother. You've been in contact with him!"

"That's kinda hot," Slouise said casually. Calleach took notes.

"You lie!" Lucius swatted her away, shivering. "Prince Marry Sue has escaped. By orders of General Narcian, though, I simply spread the _rumor_ he was trapped. ….that sounded redundant." He shrugged. "Anyway, I'm afraid we have to kill you now."

Orsin pressed a button to make the bridge behind them collapse.

"Pssst….boss?"

"Yes?"

"I mean, they're supposed to come to US. The throne, remember?" whispered one cavalier. "That's how it goes, right?"

"SIGH, interns. Very well! Do your best, Princess."

"Don't you mean worse, boss? Otherwise they'll win."

"You know, I never had this problem with Lord Raymond."

* * *

Far away, Raven sat in front of his Lucius shine, which had Lucius hairclippings, a picture, his socks, and a plushie he was rubbing.

"I said I was sorry…..I l-love you, Lucius…."

* * *

 _"Lord Raymond…."_

"Okay, he's going into yaoi fantasy bishojo mode." Orsin coughed awkwardly. "J-Just take him and kill them. Bye!" He ran off.

"LIES! Traps are not gay!" Amelia protested.

However, the rest of the team didn't *quite* think the same way, launching into one of the most epic debates in recorded history.

XXXXX

"He's got a penis! That's gay, dude. Come on!"

"It's not gay to like cute things!" Franz argued. "THAT is the appeal."

"I thought it was the huge wang?" Belle asked casually. "I've read my fair share of uh….research."

"Clearly this _peon_ doesn't know about the Dick Size-Cuteness Factor!"

"Oh shut up, Boulder!"

"Can girls be traps?" Nino asked innocently, which made things even more heated. Some said yes, some said a firm no.

"GUYS!" Amelia slammed the table. "We have to seize the castle! I'm so angry, I, I…..want to scream at a cat!"

"Boss has the right idea! Y'all can be total flamers on your OWN time!" Gheb shouted. "Let's murder!"

"YEAH!"

"Let's steal!"

"YEAH!"

"And let's give them a good dicking!"

"YE-huh? Gheb, we're not predators! Consent is important!"

"Cone-send-t? What the hell does _that_ mean, woman?"

"It clearly means the right to give permission, you pig!" spoke up a new voice. "And another thing! This talk about traps is appalling! You people are treating crossdressers like they're objects!"

Jagen, Franz, and Bosswin all paled. It was their gender studies professor. Amelia would've too, but her face turned dark.

"Are….are you _dissing_ traps, lady?"

"Lady?! The nerve. It's [current year]!"

"Well guess what. It's [current year] to not put up with your semantic _bullshit!"_

* * *

After throwing the professor off the bridge, Amelia's burning rage made everyone else quickly fall into line. Their footsteps were summoning goons from the left.

"Caellach, Franz, Bosswin….fend them off! And Jaffar, you steal their stuff!"

"AYE AYE!" they shouted.

"Milady…." Jagen watched in awe. Ahead, an armored knight was guarding the door, but all he could do was hold up his lance threateningly.

"Not gonna move, big guy?" the princess asked.

"Ha! I'm a wall!"

"Well….I guess we're the wall _crushers_. SLOUISE! XXL00TXX! BLAST HIM!"

"WAIT WHA-GURAAAAAAAAAA **AAAAAAAAA!"**

Once he was dead, Amelia swiped the key and passed it to her phantom. She opened it up, only to die in a single hit, but Boulder plugged the gap. As the knights from behind tried to attack, Jaffar came back with a treasure trove of broken swords, wallets, and Dairy Queen coupons.

"Three….two….one….MARCH! OFFENSIVE WALL!"

Boulder pushed through, but any knight that tried to attack was pelted by fire and blitz spells. Jaffar ran past them and popped the chest.

"What is it?!"

"Angelic Robe?"

"GREAT!" Amelia held her hand up, and Jaffar threw it. She forced it on Nino, and the group pushed on.

 _Lady Amelia….is being COMPETENT?!_

* * *

As luck would have it, to the west, Marry Sue and his knights rolled in.

"I hear fighting! It must be my sister!"

"Milord, why did we come back again? I mean, you heard the narrator, we somehow survived and escaped that crowd, even though we realistically should've died five feet in."

Edward chuckled. "At least that 7.8/10 guy is sipping food through a tube now."

"Because….I LEFT MY COUPONS HERE! ….and Orsin has left us! If we're to find Amelia, then so be it!"

The three charged on, but two cavaliers turned the corner to attack. Orsin charged and used THE POWER OF PURSUIT ™ to cause significant damage. The cavaliers wobbled in pain, but thanks to Marry Sue's dancing powers-

"NO! Are we really gonna die by a knight _quadrupling_ us?!"

Arden blinked. "Uhhh…technically?"

"Fuck this, man! I did NOT go to henchmen school for that!" shouted cavalier #379. "They told us, they _assured_ us knights were garbage!"

"THEY ARE!" shouted a sudden mage. "I'll prove it!"

However, before the fireball could hurt Arden, Edward used his automail arm to punch the fireball back into the mage's face.

"Oh come ON! You guys can't just defy the laws of physics!"

"Got news for you, then. Arden?"

"We serve….a gary stu!"

Cricket chirps.

"…..goddamn it, Arden."

* * *

Once the pack of armored knights were dealt with, the group was slowed by an attacking mage and Longblow user on the other side of the wall.

"Damn! How do we do this…?"

"Phantom baiting, Lady Amelia?" Franz suggested.

"Great idea, Franz!"

Five seconds later, the two attacks noticed two targets – a phantom, and Jaffar holding a blood soaked knife.

"S-Shit…."

"No man! We have to kill the tougher target!"

"But I can't help it! I HAVE to kill that spirit thing! It makes no sense, but it's my calling!"

The mage ran past and murked the phantom with Blitz, but just left Jaffar an opening to stab him in the throat. He looked up at Mr. Longbow.

"Uh, u-uh….DON'T COME any closer!" He aimed the bow. "I'll shoot at that green-haired girl! One shot should kill her."

"That's funny. One shot should kill _you."_

 **SPLAT**

"…..oh, he's still breathing. Two shots then."

XXXXX

Franz and Belle hid behind two pillars ahead, just as a thief came up from the staircase.

"Oh nuts, a thief. Jaffar is too busy murdering to get treasure."

"We have to kill him, Belle!"

"Actually….I have a BETTER idea! What's the one thing thieves can't resist?"

"Sugar?"

"Too specific."

"Girls?"

"Still too specific."

"FREE STUFF! Watch!" Belle dragged Artur over. "Oh Mr. Thief!"

"No! I refuse to get beaten up again! You people are monsters! ….which is cruel irony!"

But instead of stabbing him, the thief lunged for the vulnerary tied to the spider's back leg. He stole it with ease, but that allowed Franz and Belle and finish him. Gheb and Caellach ran ahead to take on the soldiers.

* * *

"Come on! What's the hold up?"

"I don't know, they said they needed reinforcements!"

"Guys! Guys, it's this damned armored knight! Anyone bring a Heavy Spear?"

"No."

"No."

"A-Armorslayer?"

Arden looked happy as a clam. Dozens of cavaliers had spawned, but they were eternally blocked by his high defense – the one thing he was good at – so they were stuck, leaving Marry Sue and Edward to hone in on the treasury.

"There he is! Prince Marry Sue! GET HIM!"

Edward transmutated the pillars into wrapping around the attacking soldiers, then he punched them a few times, laughing evilly. Marry Sue picked the door lock.

"HEY!" the shaman guarding the chests stepped forward. "You still have me to deal with, Prince!"

"Very well! Have at you!"

He charged one of the most frustrating spells in existence: the dreaded Flux.

"Now…..TASTE THIS!" **WHIRR WHIRR**

In the time it took to travel across the floor, though, Marry Sue had already picked the chests and pantsed the shaman, got some Starbucks, and read the newspaper.

"IT MISSED?!"

Then Edward punched him.

* * *

"Sir Lucius, it's real bad! There's only three soldiers left, including you!"

"Well YOU were the one that suggested that I stay on the throne. Where's our reinforcements?"

They had quit henchmen duty out of total boredom. Lucius could only watch as the two groups down the stairs convened.

"B-Brother? Is that really you?"

"Sister…..yes, it's me Amelia."

Amelia jumped into his arms and hugged him. "I'm so glad you're safe! Oh kiss me, brother!"

"Amelia-"

"How did you get here?"

"I learned of your plight and raced back to save you. Looks like I was just in time."

"I'm so sorry….you STILL had to save me….."

"It's okay. Let's take care of the boss first."

The entire squad glared at the soldiers, and they immediately dropped their weapons and surrendered. Lucius, on the other hand, stood up.

"So….brother and sister have reunited. I suppose it's too late to make a good showing for General Narcian?"

"I mean…..we can dogpile you and probably kill you pretty bad."

 _Death in battle…..or death by Narcian? No….NO! I can choose a third option….._

* * *

 **LUCIUS LIGHTS UP THE COMPETITION!**

"Oh _thanks,_ Sakurai! We have enough anime characters!"

Masahiro Sakurai elected to quit video games later that year. Prease understand.

* * *

Once the 5mash trailer finished, a young green-haired girl walked up to Marry Sue. "Um….Marry Sue…."

"Oooh, who's this? Another member of our loli brigade? They're good at scaring off LPers!"

"Hahahaa…..this is Tiki, Amelia."

"Her hair….is green…..w-wait…."

"I can explain, later. We should reconvene back at King Hayden's castle."

On the way there-

"Brother…..do you remember Anthony?"

* * *

 _1.5 years ago, she and Marry Sue were in town with a young purple-haired mage with sunglasses._

 _"Sister, you're late! We can't go to EVO if you lag behind!"_

 _"Don't scold her, Marry Sue. As long as you're there to see me take the title with my skills this year, that's all that matters."_

 _Anthony was an expert at Super Smash Bros. Melee. That meant he abused ledge hogging like good skilled cheap players did._

 _"I was only late because I was listening to the town drunk, brother. Somethin' about evil monsters and other jank?"_

 _"Ah yes, Father Wrys mentions it all the time."_

 _"What the hey? So that guy isn't just a vulnerary?"_

 _"Brother, you never listen to the teachings! How can you be king, like Simba or Darth Vader, with that kind of attitude?"_

 _"Amelia, what's my name?"_

 _Anthony snorted. "So what did you pray for?"_

 _"Secret, Anthony!" She gave a not-so-subtle wink at her brother. Marry Sue, on the other hand, shrugged._

 _"I'll guess I'll pray to be even more awesome."_

 _"That's so like you Marry Sue," replied Anthony with complete deadpan. "Me? …well, I'd like to be like someone I admire."_

 _"Your father, ?"_

 _"No sister. That weird socially awkward fellow."_

 _"M2k! He's the Melee god I strive to be….maybe then Father won't blame me for his drinking problem and gold prices and our earthquakes…..and 'Nam."_

* * *

"You think he approves of the Emperor's invasion?"

"Sister, the flashback ended 20 miles ago. You don't have to continue the conversation while I'm in the bathroom." Specifically, he was applying more lipstick.

"I can't believe he lost to a Kirby player…." Amelia flushed her stall, squealing when the water hit her butt.

XXXXX

Outside-

"AMELIA! MARRY SUE!" Caeda pulled them into a big hug. "You're safe! And only _one_ of you has toilet paper stuck to your shoe!"

"Ooops!"

"Princess Caeda!" a soldier shouted. "Your brother returns from the front lines!"

Prince Takumi was impatient, insecure, and above all else, despised when someone tried to one-up him. But he gave a muted smile at his [pegasus knight] sister. "Caeda."

"Brother!"

"Marry Sue."

"Well met, Takumi."

"Amelia."

"Hullo!"

"Those Grado slugs had no chance against me. Now if Renais was half as sharp as me, we wouldn't be in this predicament!"

"Brother! Don't say horrible things like that."

"Sorry. Your dad's dead, now THAT'S horrible."

Caeda glared at him.

"Shush sister, men are talking. Father wishes to see you two in the war council. Do you want to attend? ….don't say no, I don't want to go back myself."

XXXXX

"So the news is….Grado wishes to destroy our stones," Hayden began.

"Yessir."

"Well I think we're good! I've strengthened the tower defense for ours!"

"KING H-HAYDEN!" a panting soldier ran into the room. "It's awful!"

* * *

 _Joshua and Selena reached the tower, but sadly Hayden's sign DO NOT ENTER – WEEB CONVENTION didn't fool the former. The latter, however, was giddy and already cosplaying as Miku._

 _"Hey! Why did you break down the door?"_

 _Joshua ran inside._

 _"HALT! This is Frelia's sacred grounds! If you want to advance, you'll have to kill us!"_

 _"You mean you nameless green units?"_

 _"….aw poop."_

 _By the time Selena reached the inside of the tower, all of the guards were dead and Joshua had crushed the stone under his foot._

 _"J-Joshua! We had orders just to destroy the stone, not commit mass NPCide! And there's not even any neckbeards worshipping my feet!"_

 _"Sorry luv. Got a little too excited."_

* * *

"How…." Hayden frowned. "How did you know the parts you weren't there for?"

"CRACKERS!" Amelia shouted. "Are you telling me Selena was evil?! She's my traveling BFF!"

"….."

"Anyway, all might not be lost." Marry Sue turned to Tiki. "Told them what you told me."

"I want to have your babies?"

"The….other thing," the prince murmured, catching Amelia's jealous looks.

"Oh. I sense a dark energy to the south. I was going to investigate with my companion Pent, but I got distracted by a churro stand…..then awful Grado men captured me and forced me to do….do…."

Caeda covered her mouth.

Takumi winced.

"their taxes," Tiki cried. "So much unpaid income tax….I'd like to investigate this dark energy."

"Prince, you said this was hopeful."

"Well, it means our world isn't TOTALLY going to be screwed over by Grado."

Hayden sighed. "Very well! We must warn the other nations of the world."

"I'll head to Jehanna post haste," Takumi boasted. "You can count on ME, and definitely not Marry Sue."

"Son, what's your name again?"

"Grrr…."

"And I'll go to Frelia!"

"Caeda, we're _in_ Frelia." He turned to Marry Sue. "Do you think you can lead the assault to the west, against Grado?"

In anger, Takumi ran out of the room to jump start his task. Marry Sue nodded, but not Amelia.

"Hey! Let me be useful too! I can go to Rausten by sea!"

"Amelia….that's a little dangerous….and you're….kinda reckless and haphazard."

"As cute as you are _, brother_ , your boipucci cannot save you from everything! We'll divide up our Renvall team and part ways!"

"Well…..if you're certain…."

The others all smiled, eager for adventure.

"Let's pick by throwing dodgeballs at them!"

Then they all cringed.

* * *

 **Team Amelia:** Jagen, Franz, Caellach, Slouise, Jaffar, Nino, Bosswin

 **Team Marry Sue:** Arden, Edward, Dorcas, Gheb, Artur, xXL00tXx, Belle, Boulder

What will happen to our heroes….?

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: both paths are going on at the same time. How am I gonna divide it?**

 **Boy, Saber, Takumi, Julius, Pent, Elise, Haar (Amelia)**

 **Caeda, L'Arachel, Jozla, Guzma, Lex, Gharnef (Marry Sue)**


	11. Pullin' a George Lucas

**Chapter 11 – Pullin' a George Lucas**

"My generals…..come to me," intoned Emperor , who had gotten bored with throwing pennies out of the window at passing children.

One by one, they filed in, Joshua, Selena, Yoder, Narcian, Hector, and the exhausted Lex, covered in dirt and sweat. The "letges" had been installed.

"Frelia's stone is destroyed, so what is taking joo so long to destroy Renais's? I mean, it's a stone. Joo guys can't break a stone?"

"Maybe the prince and princess will have more information?"

"Yes, yes. Go hunt them down, Hector and Narcian."

The two exited the room.

"Yoder and Joshua, joo guys can break the other stones. He takes Rausten, joo take Jehanna."

Yoder chuckled evilly. "With pleasure, Your Emperor. Rausten has had its destruction a long time coming!"

"Uhhhh, can I veto the Jehanna plan? I really don't want to go back to Sandland. _Seriously,_ there's too much sand."

threw an empty beer can at his head. So the next pair left. Then, he turned to Lex.

"Okay, you can engage with Frelia and kill all of the soldiers."

"What? But sire, something should be done with Renais and its citizens. If it's conquered, it has to-"

"Lex, lex, lex, lex." The emperor pointed to his head. "Who has the crown on, right now?"

"You sir."

"And WHAT is it made out of?"

"It…looks like the crowns they give to little kids at Burger King."

"Lay off!" Selena shouted. "Lex, you're not supposed to question the emperor's orders! Didn't we establish this like four chapters ago?"

"Selena. I've got some orders for joo in the capital…."

"Yes sir!"

Discontent, Lex rode out of the room. Mainly because he gotten a pebble in his shoe, but damn it, the emperor wasn't making any sense! …less than he normally did!

* * *

Meanwhile, Amelia's group arrived at a port town. With half of the ragtag band of soldiers at her side, she would face an uphill battle.

"This is Port Kiris, known for its liquor, instructional videos, and angel dust," Jagen explained. "If we can find a ship, we'll arrive in Rausten in either 10 days or how long line breaks equate to."

"Thanks for the exposition, Jagen!" Amelia donned a fake mustache. "As far as my enemies know, I'm just a simple mercenary named Eirika, looking for a commission!" she blinked. "Wait….she's-"

Ahead, L'Arachel and her posse were sampling desserts from a shop.

"Blergh! These things taste foul beyond repair! I should purge the makers of this terrible dessert!"

She threw a rock into the Carvel's window. Jozla tapped her shoulder, forcing her to turn around and spot the princess she had met once before.

"Ah, you're the girl I saved from those monsters!"

"L'Arachel, right?"

"What good luck we found you again! Caused by none other than yours truly, of course."

Guzma scoffed and threw his cone into the trash. "You cause us nothing but _bad_ luck."

"We're here to find a ship to Rausten."

"Alas!" the princess sighed. "I want to go home to my native country as well, but no sailor is brave enough to tread these waters. Something about a ghost ship?"

"That's ridiculous," Caellach injected. "Ghost ships aren't real, like unicorns or happy marriages."

"I would suggest you folks take the overland road to Rausten."

L'Arachel was pointing to a path filled with lava, screeching monsters, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Uhhh…."

"Don't give me that look! A path of hardship builds one's character! With that, I bid you farewell. Let's depart, bodyguards!"

Guzma and Jozla followed the princess out of town, but just as Amelia was going to follow, screaming civilians were running through the streets.

"HE'S HERE!"

"OH GOD NO!"

"I LEFT THE STOOOOOOVVVEEEEE ON!"

Mercenaries took their formation through the town, and their leader, a black robed being, materialized in front of Amelia.

"So….yousa Princess Amelia, aren't yousa?"

He unhooded himself, revealing an unholy master of darkness – Jar Jar Binks, secret Sith Lord and leader of the town's mercenaries.

"Um…..okay, what is with this trend of bosses approaching us before we fight them?"

He ignored Jagen. "Sorry, but missa ne to kill yousa for some sweet sweet gold!" Jar Jar took out his light saber. "With da money, missa ganna bribe disney for a role inda next movie!"

"M-Monster…..you would continue the series's corpse to be dragged out through the streets?!"

"whatcha ganna doin about it? Attackin, brothers!"

He teleported away via Force powers, which alarmed the group even more.

"At this rate, milady, Star Wars 10 will just make Force do literally anything!"

"He's goin' _down…."_

* * *

The path to Jar Jar, at the docks, was a sideways U, filled to the brim with enemies. Some pirates were in the water, and at the center of town…stood a _certain_ unit….

"Wait…don't we have any flyers?" Amelia looked around. "Because those pirates are gonna torch that house!"

"I didn't bring my floaties!" Nino cried out.

"Then we have to push around and hurry! Onward!"

Franz and Jagen led the charge; with their good durability, they were able to weaken some soldiers and an archer, so Bosswin and the others could pick them off.

"S-Sir! I think they just killed your brother…."

The sniper in the center stared stoically ahead. "So they have. Let those maggots come to me. I intend to show them a good fight." He drew his bow, and the arrow fired pierced a phantom.

…..huh?

Oh wait….

Yes, I'm sorry, my producer tells me that wasn't a phantom.

"OWWWWWW!" Amelia's arm was bleeding. "Jagen, help!"

"I will slaughter all of you," said the sniper. "I am the darkness. I am the legend. I am…..the **3-13 Sniper."** To determine his badassery, he even dodged Jaffar's knife throw. To prepare Amelia from taking more damage, Bosswin rescued her, and Jagen took down more of the generics.

"How do we beat him?" Nino asked out loud. She was gonna get hit by a fighter but Bosswin shot a dildo down his throat.

"You don't. You _run."_

3-13-kun's next shot brought Franz to one knee. To make matters worse, he was blocking the way to the shop and stat booster dispensary, i mean house.

"NO!" Amelia summoned a phantom, but 3-13 killed it with ease. However, she focused hard, through the pain, and kept making them to distract him.

"Good idea, Lady Amelia! We can skate pass him!"

3-13 shot Jagen. "Next time, don't announce your plans. So what? These things are nothing." He kept killing them, but Amelia kept summoning them. Nino helped Jaffar take down a pesky mage.

"I'm NOT turning back now, 3-13 Sniper! NOW! Box formation!"

Through their wounds, Jagen, Franz, Caellach, and Jaffar surrounded the sniper. He then realized the horrible result:

 _I'm shooting at the phantoms….why can't I stop?_

"Yippie kay yay, mothertrucker."

The four boxed units all stabbed him through his torso.

3-13 coughed up blood. "Strategy….? In MY battle…? It's….more likely than you think….!"

Once he was down, Jagen raced to intercept the pirate going for the left house.

* * *

Near the southern wall, a pack of Grado soldiers arrived on the scene, to help the mercenaries. At the back of the group was the plucky young healer that had recently joined the army.

"The mercenaries from Carcino will carry out their mission, knowing they have the empire's backing! At arms, men!"

Elise was there, and she peered ahead. "I'll take them on sir! CHARGE!" She galloped out of formation.

"Uhh….did she forget she's a healer?"

"Sssh….maybe she'll get punched in the throat!"

XXXXX

Nino was trying to heal but she was a little shaky with the staff. Somehow she had turned Franz into a chicken.

Slouise, on the other hand-

"Caellach, I really should heal Bosswin."

"No no, wait! Uh, uh…." The merc held up his elbow. "I've got a little hick. Could catch a disease from it. Heal me."

"Okay…?"

His reason was easy to see; Slouise's breasts bounced lightly with her staff motions, making Caellach give a rather thirsty-looking grin.

"STAND DOWN, SCUMBAGS!"

Elise came charging through, and she swung her staff at Caellach's head. He didn't bother dodging, since more blood = more booby bounce time. After that, though, Jagen grabbed her wrist and threw her to the ground.

"This isn't a game, you know. You want to attack our men, then you'll have to deal with the rest!"

"Owwww….." the blonde-haired girl looked up at Amelia. "You're….the evil Princess Renais!"

"What? What has Grado been saying about me?"

"That you're…..stupid and ugly and want to destroy glorious homeland Grado?" Elise asked, suddenly donning a hat with a single red star. "But….your eyes…."

"I have pinkeye again?"

"NO!" She stood up. "They remind me of General Lex's. You hate this war, just like the others, don't you?"

"Yeah….what's your name?"

"I'm Elise."

XXXXXX

"Hey, uh….that doesn't look like throat punching….?"

"Yeah, they're….shaking hands…?"

"And eating ice cream?"

"And writing yaoi doujinsh-OH CRAP."

The generic soldiers were taken down by the combined work from Team Amelia, thanks to Elise sporting enough healing for everyone. Once done, the princess and not-a-princess-here gave each other a high five. "We did! Now we can finish the fluff scene!"

"And no one got hurt!"

Except the house near the water that they didn't reach in time and now was on fire. But hey, silver linings playbook was a great movie.

* * *

Jar Jar was talking to an executive on his phone.

"Taleo lucas missa wanna share a trailer with rey! Gotin it?" he gasped when he saw Amelia's group head his way. "Missa no care!"

"Whadda he say?" asked one of the archers near him.

"Dunno, I don't speak Judaism."

They were killed by Jagen and Jaffar. Jar Jar quickly jumped back, onto the wall, and pointed his red light saber at the group.

 _""no one ganna kill missa! mesa invincible!"_

"SOMEONE QUICK! THINK OF SOMETHING!"

Elise looked around, and saw a rock. She picked up and chucked it as hard as she could...and it hit Jar Jar in the face. He toppled over and fell into the water where he was mauled by sharks.

"…..huh. That worked!"

"Not for long," said a white-haired man with glasses. "That character was property of the Star Wars universe, and I'm suing you for copyright!"

"L-Lucas-senpai?!"

"Han shot first!" Nino shouted.

* * *

"Your honor, my clients have accepted the deal."

The group sat in a courthouse filled with salty Star Wars fanboys and redditors.

"Very well. That cannot use a deux ex machina just to win battles anymore. They actually have to try!" the judge, the one from the movie _North,_ slammed his gavel.

"Wait! What does have to do with Disney and Star Wars?" asked the accuser whose name I cannot say outloud due to copyright (psst it's in the title)

"Right. They also have to watch that wookie Christmas thing."

"NOOOOOO!" screamed everyone.

Elise giggled. "Well, it's gonna be one of those days!" the studio applause erupted in laughter while the credits rolled over the gang bemoaning their fate.

 **Directed by J.J Abrams**

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: Watching Mangs play the chapter drunk on his birthday stream was the funniest shit ever.**

 **Also the fact that I had to look up a Jar Jar translator hurts me in ways you can't believe.**

 **Next Time: Gheb vs. his...doppleganger?**


	12. Smexy Gheb vs his son?

**Author's note: So apparently the doc editor deletes names of actual people? [you can tell who by one of the jokes below]. Well that's fine, too many real-life name drops would sour the humor, but why [Grado's emperor] ? That's just an internet name!**

* * *

 **Review Time:**

 **Cyberchao X - XD**

 **Anonymous - No cookie for me then :(**

* * *

 **Chapter 12 – Smexy Gheb vs. his son?**

There was a Grado-controlled at the border of Frelia and Grado, called Ft. Rigwald. The officer in charge was a large cyclops that bared a likeness to a certain someone…

"Sir Pleb! We've captured a pegasus knight snooping around the gates!"

Two soldiers threw Caeda before him. She groaned and sat up.

"Let me go! I was only snooping around for my country, Frelia! That's patriotic, so you can't kill me!"

"Kill you? No, no…." Pleb licked his lips. "I've got a better plan for you….lock her up in the dungeon! I've got to take a whizz."

"GASP! So in addition to the _assault,_ you're going to _piss_ on me?! B-But this isn't a R &B music video!"

"Piss…what?! That's messed up! All I wanted was for you to do my laundry. The statements were not connected! I need a new comma guy…."

* * *

"Here we are. Ft. Rigwald. They say the defenses are impenetrable."

"Um…." Marry Sue scratched his head. "Artur, why are you making up factoids?"

The spider flinched. "I….well, S-Sir Jagen isn't here, but you're the main character, so you still need someone to narrate our quest!"

"…yeah, okay. Listen well, troops! We'll need to be quick and efficient if we're to take this fort and undermine Grado."

"Got it, we kill them all!" Belle shouted with too much zeal.

"No! For once, let's NOT try the mass murder plan! Once upon a time, Renais and Grado were friends. Perhaps there's a chance the soldiers don't want to fight.."

A police siren rang out and a spotlight shined down on Marry Sue.

 **"Prince Marry Sue of Renais. This fort will not fall to your agenda of main character showboating!"** Pleb's voice called out. **"Have at you!"**

"Aw, crap!"

* * *

The two soldiers from earlier threw Caeda into a cell and locked the door. "This isn't fair! You really wish to fight to the death over this pointless war?!"

"HEY! If we say no, Sir Pleb posts mean things about us on the internet!" said the first soldier. "My mother is NOT fat!"

"Yeah, and he threatened to spoil the ending of book 6 of Harry Potter!"

"You mean Dumbledore dying?"

Soldier #2 dropped to his knees and wept painfully. Soldier #1 rubbed his shoulder. "That's okay, bro, she didn't say about how Snape was a double-crosser."  
"DUDE!"

* * *

Seeking out a corridor to approach, Marry Sue stood tall. "I suppose we'll have no choice. Gentlemen and ladies, attack!"

One of the (two) ladies was xXL00tXx. "You don't have a weapon, scrub."

"I can dance and pick locks, _scrub."_

"WRECKT!" Arden shouted, alerting some enemies to their presence. Edward punched him in the face.

"You idiot, you can't even spell it right!"

But a pack of fighters barreled through, swinging their axes at Marry Sue. The prince flipped back to dodge them, leaving Arden to tank the hits for his prince. "The power….of _pursuit._ " He smashed them back.

"CHARGE!"

The group lept forward to fight the incoming soldiers, although one person was still making his way up the steps.

"Umm…..B-Belle, you're the only person that can pick me up!" Boulder cried out.

XXXXX

The next hurdle was a thin hall leading north. A few cavaliers galloped out to attack, but Gheb had the perfect strategy. Mainly, throwing Dorcas into their faces.

"Oh, you…idiot! You're supposed to give them concussions!"

"A word, Gheb?" Marry Sue pulled him back. "You seem awfully callous with your son."

"Aww, there's nothing he can't take."

For emphasis, he threw a rock at Dorcas's head, knocking him down. Then for good measure, he threw another at Artur's spine. "OW!"

"Still, perhaps you can be…..softer on him?"

"Are you telling me how to raise my kid, Prince?" Gheb glared at him. "Don't forget I still have a grudge against your Daddy!"

"I, um….wasn't there for that flashback…."

"NO EXCUSES!" he barked. "Dorkass is my legacy, my seed, my gift to this world! If he's to take over leadership of Ghebland when I'm old and gray or don't give a crap anymore, he needs to be ready!"

Gheb roared and charged ahead, slaughtering the archer holding the Red Gem ("W-Wait! I was going to give this to you anyway MY FACE!")

However, Marry Sue noticed Dorcas was trembling with a quiet rage. Why? Because he's the main character, reader! I could have him prove the theory of relativity right now!

"E=mc2," he said helpfully.

Don't you have dances to do?

* * *

Edward and Arden managed to take a detour to the cells.

"You think there's prisoners in here?" Arden asked. Then he noticed the sign.

 **DAYS WITHOUT PRISONERS – 0**

"Sweet!" But the short alchemist was blocked by a foe. A myrmidon with a Killing Edge. You can only imagine how this is gonna go down.

"My head is Kelik Midnight Shadow the Hedgehog Shrekstein. And you…..will die by my sword."

"You're serious. Arden, is he serious?"

The myrm in question had dark black hair, neck level, one eye was covered, so that was a flat 30% edge bonus. His fingernails were painted BLACKED, and he had a "My Chemical Linkin Disturbed Park" T-shirt.

"I am serious. As serious as the DARKNESS that is my empty soul…."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Great. If you're done being an angsty 15-year-old, I'm just gonna unlock that door…."

"No." Kelik pointed his sword. "Face me. Face my darknesssssss…."

"I'm facing you right now, dumbass."

"HA! WREKT!" Arden turned to his companion. "I did it right this time, Ed!"

"Coolio," came the bored reply. But Kelik grabbed his arm just as he gotten by.

"I SAID, face me."

"Look kid, we've all been there. The emo phase. You think the world sucks and you want to die, but isn't life the greatest treasure of them all?"

"No….only death….." the edgelord droned.

"Yeah, I'm not doing this, Arden!"

The general stepped forward to fight, and laughed when Kelik did constant **CLINK CLINK** sounds to his sky high defense. Edward spotted Caeda, and transmutated the bars to help her escape.

"Sir Edward! Thank you for rescuing me! Oh, is Marry Sue with you?"

"Sure is! C'mon! …wait, what's that weapon you've got there?"

Caeda pointed to the Heavy Spear. "As a joke, they gave me that weapon! It's terrible! I'm a pegasus knight, darn it!"

"…why did they lock you here with your mount?"

XXXXX

Five seconds later, Edward smashed the Heavy Spear over Shrekstein's head, knocking him out.

"See that? That's what you get for being a stereotype from 2007."

* * *

Belle flew over to the stairs to block off reinforcements, and by block, I mean the entrance had a heavy pegasus's flank on it. "Ha! Oldest trick in the book. ….hey, Dorcas, what's wrong?"

"Oh, Belle….you're talking to me?"

"Well to be honest, you're the best of a bad situation. Your dad is a creep, I can't understand a thing that gamer girl says, I have no idea where Boulder is, and I always want to hit Artur."

Dorcas took that as "talk more". "Father doesn't give me any respect whatsoever."

"Did you not miss the part where he wanted to make a porno with me? Get over it."

"….you're a little rude, aren't you?"

"Well to be honest," Belle leaned in, "after Princess Amelia left I thought it was MY turn to be the main character. But now Prince Marry Sue is…."

"HEY!" Banging sounds were coming from the flank. "Get this ass away! It smells like an old barn!"

"So does your mom!"

"…Jerry, does my mom smell like a barn?"

"Let's not get into who smells like what, dude."

Luckily back-up came in the form of Caeda and the knights.

"Milady?! What are you doing here?"

"Yes, why, Caeda?" Marry Sue asked, emerging from the corner. "Your father told you it was too dangerous."

"I wish to help this war's effort, Marry Sue!" Caeda tried not to look into his eyes, lest her attraction to him be shown [even though she was blushing] "If brother Takumi can go to Jehanna all by himself, why cannot I help Frelia?"

"Because you're a woman?" Gheb asked. "Hot damn, another gal for the taking!"

"Why good sir, who are you?"

"A pedo," said Belle.

"HEY! I do not fuck children, I only punch them in the face! Tell 'em son!"

"You…..beat me with an iron…."

"It wasn't plugged in! God, you're such a crybaby!"

Unfortunately, before it was boss killing time, some cavaliers emerged from the top right. Edward, Arden, xXL00tXx, and Caeda ran ahead to take care of it, but the son and father stayed.

"Why don't you love me, Father?"

"Oh here we go, this speech again! I love you in the same way a man loves the child his wife cucked him for…."

"That's really comforting! Everyone hates you, but I've stuck by you!"

"Ew, what are you, gay?"

Marry Sue sweatdropped. "Gheb, I think you're missing the point. Love your son."

"…bah, okay, but I'm closing my eyes!"

"No! Give him a hug! It's clear he cares about you! Not everyone gets to have a father in this world. I couldn't even say good-bye to my own!"

"Uhhh….guys…." Belle was pointing at something.

"Fine! But Dorcas has to do something for ME!"

"I'm not pulling your finger!" his son shouted. But he flinched once Gheb smirked and pulled out a sleeve of mutton for him.

"Eat this."

"N-No….."

"C'mon, one last time, for your daddy!"

"You've p-poisoned that…." Dorcas held his head, memories returning. "Then you'll just laugh and ask what happened to me, you always do!"

"Oh come on! You're acting as if that joke isn't funny and is somehow overused!"

The narrator suddenly felt the glare of various Fire Emblem fans.

"No…..no…NOOOOOOOO!" Dorkass exploded into his rage mode once again, but this time…..his sights were set on Gheb. Speaking of not-him, Pleb clapped slowly as he appeared.

"All according to keikaku."

"Oh my god, they're multiplying!" Belle hid in her safe space, shielded by Tumblr-grade walls.

"H-Huh? Who the eff are you?! A freak with one eye?"

"Oh fuck you! I'm you but STRONGER," Pleb declared. "You see, you used to be an officer of Renais. All my time in the army, I dedicated myself to surpass you!"

"Did I get nasty with your bitch or something? Like, I've never met yo-"

"ATTACK!"

Dorcas let out an inhuman roar and smashed Gheb into the wall, Hulk vs. Tony style. The warrior coughed but picked up his axe and fought back.

"DORCAS SMASH!"

Another punch nearly knocked Gheb down, but he put his son in a Full Nelson and took him down. Suddenly, the battlefield changed to WWE 2017, with Pleb as the goading host….

* * *

Marry Sue stood at the edge of the ring, struggling to think of a plan.

"IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT 190 POUNDS, THE DISGRUNTLED SON, DORCASSSSSSS!"

"DORCAS SMASH!" the fighter screamed to the sky. The rednecks and high-school dropouts in the audience cheered and raised their beer cans.

"AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN 350 POUNDS, THE FAT FUCK, GHEBBBBBBBB!"

"Dude I'm so gonna muff punch your mother for that," Gheb growled. Marry Sue ran around the sides and whispered behind him.

"Gheb you need to focus on him, not your son! Snap him out of it!"

"Like I know how?!"

Dorcas delivered a nasty hook to Gheb, but he in turn gave an uppercut. The two traded blow after blow, although the former clearly had more strength.

"Will this be the day Gheb finally dies?!" Pleb cackled.

"Okay, for that, I'm muff punching your daughter!"

Gheb picked up a chair, as the rules of fake fightin-I mean wrestling dictate, and smashed it over Dorcas's head…..who only knocked him down and began pounding his face harder than a calculus test.

"Damn! Think, Marry Sue, think!"

"PANT…..L-Lord Marry Sue!" Boulder stumbled over to him, out of breath. "I….I am here….!"

"Boulder! Perfect! Do you have the script for Dorcas's backstory?"

He rummaged through his armor and pulled out chapter 3. Marry Sue took it and skimmed through it quickly. "Build an arm….GOT IT!"

Pleb was stunned when the dancer jumped into the ring. "WHAT'S THIS?! THE TRAP HIMSELF ENTERS THE FRAY?!"

"Oh come on, I'm not in the mood to be blue-balled!" Gheb shouted, fighting off a chokehold.

"Not quite! I'd say you have a legion of loyal fans watching, right?"

"Yeah, so what? These people are the finest middle school graduates in the world! Why, I'd liken them to an-"

"-Army? DORCAS! HE'S BUILDING AN ARMY! TRUST NO ONE!"

Dorcas spun around and charged Pleb, who only had a microphone to defend himself.

"Stay back! I know ASMR!"

But he was slammed into the ring, earning groans from the audience.

Gheb got up, spit out a tooth, and cracked his neck. "I owe you one, trapboy. Maybe today I can get up in tha-"

"Gheb. Love your son and beat this men to death, _together."_

"…..aww, what the hell."

Pleb's single eye widened as Gheb got on the ropes, jumped into the air, and stuck his belly out for the ultimate finisher of a lifetime.

"Anything goes in wrestling….. _bitch."_

"Y-You're thinking of Fight Club!"

"HA! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THE NAME!"

* * *

With the castle seized and Pleb's mangled corpse being the only thing left, father and son shook hands….equally bandaged up. [It took everyone promising to twitch sub for xXL00tXx to heal them]

"Good job….son."

"Thanks Father."

"All this time I was wrong. I wasn't supposed to treat you like crap, I was supposed to groom you for my protégé."

"Really….?"

"YEAH! We're gonna beat Grado, and once the war is over, we'll return to Ghebland."

"That sounds good."

"And we're gonna get _every_ girl pregnant on the way there, since everyone needs fine bitches!"

Dorcas frowned – thinking of the village girl he had a crush on, Natalie. "That sounds…..not as good…."

"Remember my motto, son. If her age isn't on the clock, it's time for the-"

 _"I get it!"_

Caeda turned to Marry Sue. "Can we just leave him here, instead?"

"Well….every army needs a wildcard…."

"GUYS! We might want to get out of here, because I might have set off a firebomb in this place."

"YOU DID WHA-"

 **BOOM**

 **Directed by Michael Bay**

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: I realize this fic should've been started earlier, as the FE8 PME has lost relevancy compared to the recent Echoes LP and FE7 remastered. Oh well, there's at least somebody reading, right? Hopefully it'll be done before the next PME.**

 **Next Time - Saber finishes.**


	13. Blame Takumi? (YN)

**Review Time:**

 **Cyberchao X - Oh, okay :)**

 **Anonymous - Aww, usually I'm on the ball with references. Glad you like the story though.**

* * *

 **Chapter 13 – Blame Takumi? (Y/N)**

 **"** Guys, we're so boycotting the next movie…."

Defeated in the trial, Team Amelia slumped outside the courthouse, but then Jagen came back with one of the defeated mercenaries.

"This fool says he can tell us who sicced Jar Jar on us."

"Y-Yes…don't kill me, okay! It was Lady Clarine of the Carcino Roundtable!"

"But they're allied with Frelia!" Amelia exclaimed. "Why does Carcino want to kill me?"

Jagen mused it over. "Perhaps they're betting on Grado to win the war, milady. Carcino has been trying to get powerful for years! Even shooting for a text crawl in the opening cutscene."

"It's true! Lady Clarine is the scariest of them all!" the merc cried out.

"She can't be that bad!"

Then a Frelian pegasus knight flew over, panting. "Lady Amelia! It's awful! Prince Takumi's unit has been compromised in Carcino! H-Half of our unit is down!"

Amelia chuckled sheepishly. "I'm…gonna stop saying that now."

* * *

MEANWHILE, General Hector had been called by the Emperor.

"Yeah so…..I want joo to kill Amelia in Carcino. She killed a whole bunch of people at Port Kiris, stirred up a rebellion….stole my mother's blanket…."

Hector raised an eyebrow, his beard tingling. "Amelia. The princess that has a trash can on her head. She _killed_ someone."

"Yes."

"A'ight then."

XXXX

"Wait what?" Haar pulled away from the door when Hector stepped out, failing to hide the fact that he was eavesdropping. "There's no point in hunting down a princess in a fallen land."

"Yes, but…..ugn. I've met Amelia before, only once. I sensed she was a girl that would sooner kill _herself_ with a _sponge_ than actually kill someone else."

"Isn't that weirdly expositional?"

"Damn it, Haar, it's the orders from the Emperor!" Hector snarled. "And yet….I can't fathom how Amelia has gotten competent…."

Then Narcian flew up, smirking as he always did. "How I wish I had your job, Hector! Hunting down Amelia is a pleasant experience I can only dream of!"

"Damn it, Narcian, why are you such an asshole?" came the retort. "Not the cute ones you see on supermodels, but the nasty ones I see on my grandmother…."

"Tmi, brother."

"Well excuse me! Here I thought I was being helpful, being appointed to fill in the cracks of your shaky leadership! I am undebted to His Majesty."

"Narcian, you've killed _civilians."_

"So do woodchippers, but you don't see them getting banned off the streets!"

"Enough, Narcian!" Haar threatened. "Our uncle was part-woodchipper…"

But the twisted and vain rider hmph'd and flew away.

* * *

Right near a mountain range in Carcino, Takumi was indeed in trouble. He was boarded up in a fort with two of the mercenaries he had hired – a red-haired dancer and an orange-haired man with an eyepatch.

"Damn it! ….Saber, can you still fight?"

"You can count on me, lad." Saber wiped the blood from his cheek. "We ain't called the Saber Mercenaries for nothing. If we lose, I'll get blacklisted, and I CAN'T go back to my old job of being a lighthouse lookout. So what's the plan?"

"Anything but surrender," Takumi said. "If I surrender, then Marry Sue gets to gloat about it later, and I'd rather kill myself then let that happen."

"That's….kinda dark."

"Chief! Prince! I've got bad news, and good news," said Boy. "The bad news is that we have no more extra weapons and they're coming to storm this fort."

"And the good news?"

Boy smirked. "I'm still as good-looking as ever."

"Damn it, Boy, that doesn't help our situation!" Takumi sighed. "You two should quit while you're still ahead. Leave me to do this alone….actually, I'll look COOLER if I pull it off…."

"Ain't gonna happen, kid. We don't betray our employers."

"Not even if I insulted your mother?"

"Nice try," Saber replied. "But if we're dying, we're dying together."

"Oh come on, that's so lame," the archer whined. "Why don't you sing Kumbaya and hold my hand while you're at it?"

"If we're going to die, then I choose my fate!" Boy jumped into Saber's arms. "Let's play the game where _you finish all over me."_

"How about you take a lookout first, champ?"

Pouting, Boy got off and looked out the window. "If we had help, they'd be coming from the north, yes? Just like me when I-"

"Can you _stop_?" Takumi pleaded.

* * *

From the north side, Team Amelia had followed their NPC friend to Carcino, where Takumi was only 100 yards or so away, in the fort! But enemies were between them and their destination.

"He has to be in there!" Amelia whispered. "Guys, it's so simple. My phantoms can distract them while I go find Takumi!"

"That…makes a lot of sense," Jagen said, surprised. "Onward!"

XXXX

Lady Clarine stepped outside the Roundtable's HQ, pleased with her plotting. She was a noblewoman with blonde hair and purple eyes. "It's perfect! Once Prince Takumi's head is brought to me, Carcino will be in with the empire! We'll get all of the benefits, like free health care and rocks to throw at the homeless!"

"Do we have your permission to finish him? He's in that fort."

"What?!" Clarine spun around, aghast. "Are you asking me permission to finish someone? Get a spine, for crying out loud!"

"But some of us have wives…."

"….you soldiers are brain dead. Finish means TO KILL, not spray your man goo wherever you please! Good lord, I need new henchmen…"

"But milady, I'm standing right here."

"At least you're not deaf."

XXXXX

"Lord Klimt! Clarine's forces are closing in on Takumi!" a messenger reported. Her archrival, a fellow nobleman, disapproved of her tactic to kill Takumi just for Grado points.

"Then we must help! Otherwise Frelia won't come to my birthday party!"

The battlefield was surrounded by mountains, but the gate to the Carcino HQ was blocked by a locked gate. Jaffar was staking it out in the bushes, while the others fought.

"Hi Jaffar! Whatcha doing?"

He gave an annoyed look to his left. "Nino, you're supposed to fight, not cling to me every five seconds. You promised to do your best."

"But I am! Caellach told me to wait so I can heal!"

Jaffar looked. Caellach was just trying to hit on Slouise again. Poor Franz was getting pelted by fireballs, so the assassin sighed and jumped out to help.

XXXX

 _"Dear Journal….how are you doing today? Well, it's the day I die, fighting off soldiers. It really sucks, knowing Marry Sue will live and I won't. But hey, at least I can confine my darkest secre-"_  
"Takumi!"

"GUHHH?!" Takumi dropped his not-diary. "Amelia? What the hell are you doing in the sewage grate?"

She climbed up, dripping with garbage. "I'm busting you out of the fort! Jagen and I are armed with the finest soldiers in the world!"

* * *

Elise whacked another goon with her staff. "Hehehe, this is fun!"

"I have third-degree burns!" Franz screamed. "HEAL ME!"

* * *

"Ughhhh…..needing Amelia to save my hide….."

"Takumi, your sister and my brother are out there fighting too! Stop being a baby and crawl into this filthy hole with me!"

"Sounds like my Friday nights." Saber held out a hand. "You're the princess of Renais, ain't you lass? We'll join you."

"HEY! …I don't remember ordering you to take Amelia's help!"

"Stop being a cuck and listen to her, handsome!" Boy tsked. "God! By the way, you stink, princess."

"Hey! I've been working on my phantoms, okay?!"

Then, there was a bang at the window, and a rock came through. Takumi and Saber grabbed their weapons.

"Let's go!"

"In a minute!" Amelia looked Boy over. "Say….you're like my brother…."

"Oh geez, I know a flirt line when I see one. You're cute, in a simpleton kinda way, but my heart and rear belongs to Saber."

"You dance?"

"Sure do!" Boy showed off one of his provocative moves. "It'll perk you up AND make you question your preferences at the same time!"

Amelia sighed dreamily. "Traps are cute…" 

* * *

Saber and Takumi saw the mass of soldiers heading from the south. Entwined in the middle was a black-haired swordswoman with a ponytail.

"Aw geez."  
"What?"

"The guild messed up. That girl's part of my crew, and her sword is pointed against US! We'll need to cut our way through."

"Uhhh…..after you, Saber."

Saber gave him a look, but the two charged down the steps.

XXXXX

"They're attacking?!" One of Clarine's men laughed. "Those fools! They must be suicidal!"

"Let me fight them!" shouted the girl.

"Hey go ahead, go mess them up! We could use a show!"

Fir unsheathed her Glacial Sword and ran to the front of the pack, but she stopped short when she saw her opponent. "C-Chief?!"

"Fir! Might want to point that down. There was a communications error."

"But I can't defy my employer, Chief!"

Saber smirked. "Lady Clarine hired ya. She's not the one you're pointing the sword at, remember? Now why don't we give them the Saber 1-2?"

"Yes sir!"

Approximately five things happened after.

1) Fir turned around.

2) The soldiers all stopped smiling at the show.

3) Both mercs made cutting motions with their swords and necks.

4) The soldiers realized they were screwed.

And the fifth:

"This is all your fault, Takumi!" Amelia shouted, as the carnage ensued. "Why did you have to play hero and go to Jehanna by yourself?"

"Are you for real?! Your perfect, lame, arrogant, cornheaded brother is taking on Grado by _him_ self!"

"He's perfect, Takumi. One day you'll be that way, if you bothered to try."

Takumi growled. "All of you drool over him, well, I'M gonna prove I'm a better hero than he is! I actually have to work for my success! He just dances around and expects the world to grovel at his feet!"

"Excuse me, what?" Boy's daydreaming of Saber finishing was interrupted. "This brother of yours _dances?"_

"He goes for the money shot!" Amelia added, unhelpfully.

"Hell no! Princess, while I'm in this army, I'm the only one that's allowed to tantalize people with my dance!" To demonstrate, he gave Amelia a lapdance.

"It's good but it's not my brother's…."

"Do you _hear_ yourself?" Takumi asked. ….then he suddenly fell asleep. A smirking priest came out of the bushes.

"I did it!" he cried out, swinging his Sleep staff around. "I actually hit someone!"

"ME TOO!" Elise rode in and knocked the guy unconscious with a whack. "Princess, you okay?"

* * *

Caellach grunted. "Okay, this is getting stupid."

Two ballista guarded the gate, and each time he and Jaffar tried to pry the lock open, they were getting shot. Not helping was the bandits from the south attacking; Jagen and Bosswin were barely keeping them at bay.

"Ellipses, what do we do?"

"….."

"That means I don't know," Nino whispered.

"DAMN! We can't even pull off some kind of ridiculous stunt…..how about we just use Franz as a meat shield?"

"I HEARD THAT!"

"Can't you just wait for the ballista to run out?" They looked to Slouise. She was healing Franz's burns. "They should have five shots each. How many wounds do you have?"

 **1, 2, 3, 4, 5!**

 **1, 2, 3, 4, 5!**

"Ow! Stupid Dora the Explorer arrow….Ellipses, you're up!"

"He's named Jaffar!"

"I don't care if he's named Hans, Anna's love interest!"

"Um….Caellach…." Slouise whispered the ending to Frozen in his ear. This made him drop to his knees and scream to the heavens. Luckily Jaffar pried the gate open.

* * *

Clarine sipped her lemonade. "So _what_ if the ballista is out of shots? Go down there and attack those intruders!"

"But milady, one of them looks edgy! My doctor says I can't touch an-"

"GO!" she barked. The two archers ran off their posts, and one actually _did_ break out into hives when Jaffar grabbed his arm (and cut it off). "Huh….no wonder why people say archers are terrible."

"You must be the boss!" Slouise called out. "We're coming for you!"

"Do your worst, lady! You may be a blonde angel like myself, but I, Lady Clarine, am the best in the land!"

"After the show! The arena is hosting a performance of _Village Idiot_!"

"WHAT?!" Clarine could only watch in shock as Amelia's allies and even some of her own soldiers filed inside to see the play. "What am I supposed to do now, then?!" 

* * *

Amelia, Elise, Boy, Saber, and Fir ran around the fort to get towards the gate, with the sleeping Takumi being dragged across the ground on a thin wire. "Oh no! Look at those reinforcements attacking Jagen and Bosswin!"

"Why did you say his name first?" asked the disappointed nomad. "Just go! We can handle this while you kill the boss!"

"Really?"

"Well no, that's just the blood loss affecting my brain!"

XXXX

They scrambled into town, with Clarine standing before them on the hill above. She cackled and got on her horse. "So….you've brought Takumi to me!"

"Wake up Prince!" Saber slapped him awake. "I said wake up!" He smacked him with a cinderblock. "Oh, why cruel world, do you not wa-"

"I'M UP!" Takumi pointed his legendary Fujin Yumi at Clarine. "So you're the woman that betrayed Frelia! Betrayal! I AM BETRAYAAAAAL!"

"….is he okay?" the noblewoman asked, weirded out.

"That's Takumi's trigger word."

"I thought it was Marry Sue?" Saber asked. Then Boy started to screech and reee like Pepe himself. "Oh wait, that's _his_ trigger word."

"It's actually two," Fir added.

"SHUT UP! Good heavens, is this how peasants act? Like a bunch of pseudo-nihilistic dullards that can't be bothered to compose themselves?"

"Hey!" Elise pouted. "You want to fight, then let's fight, sister!"

"Bring it on, you twintailed child!"

And thus, the epic of battle of troubadour vs. valkyrie began! Elise demonstrated her high luck by dodging every shot from Clarine, while Clarine demonstrated her….high luck…? by dodging every staff swing from Elise.

 _Three hours_ later, well after the play had finished and everyone was waiting outside, the two had been reducing to slap-fighting each other….and they weren't even hitting each other.

"Give up!"

"No, YOU give up!"

Takumi was awake but ironically about to go right back to sleep. "Just settle this with a coin toss!"

"FINE!" they both shouted. Clarine took out a coin and threw into the air. "Call it!"

"Heads!"

"Knuckle sandwich!" She fisted Elise in the non-sexy way, causing her to tumble down the stairs. "I WIN! Hahahahaha! You'll rue the day you'll mess with Lady Clarine! Soldiers, kill them all!"

Silence.

"What…? I said kill them!"

"We would, but….you only paid us for three hours, three minutes, and three seconds," said one of the mercs. "We have our rights."  
"I'm not giving you peons a single cent unless Amelia and Takumi are dead!"

"….K bye!"

Clarine's jaw dropped; they ALL left, leaving her alone with our heroes. "Grrrr…..I'll make you all rue, I swear it! Smoke bomb no jutsu!"

"GET HER!"

But a smoke cloud filled the area, followed by her frantic steps.

* * *

"I'm so sorry for this miscommunication!" Klimt passed a cup of tea to each member of the team. "Carcino has not betrayed Frelia, but…..Clarine has usurped control of the Roundtable! We did what we could in here."

"Drink tea and laugh at /b/ threads?" Takumi was livid. "I should renounce your entire country!"

"No don't! W-We'll explain things to your father! In the meantime, you all should flee. Clarine has more tricks up her disposal."

"She was slap-fighting a 12-year-old. I think we'll take our chances." Takumi turned to Saber and Boy. "You guys stuck it out, so….thanks. I'll double your pay!"

"Sweet! You're getting soft on us, lad." Saber smirked.

"Well _I'm_ not soft, Saber," purred Boy. "Can't we celebrate a job well done?"

"Boy….your brother?"

The dancer facepalmed.

* * *

His red-haired brother was sitting in a village, laughing manically as he smashed his Hot Wheels together. "Burn, you fools! The Loptyr Sect controls all!"

"JULIUS!" Boy snatched his cars away. "What did we say about Lopytr this, Lopytr that? You and your cuck fanfictions…"

"Foolish brother! You will give me the respect I deserve….and when's Nap Time?"

"After you go back to the inn!"

"B-But I'm skilled with my dark magic now!" Julius's lip quivered. "I can help!"

"Well it's a little late for that!" Boy rubbed his head. "The doctors said I have to watch over you, and that means NO battles!"

But the dark "prince"'s eyes lit up. He was listening to Takumi and Amelia map out their next course of action.

XXXXX

"I can help, I can help!" Julius exclaimed. "You can take the mountain path to get to Jehanna!"

"…..we were talking about tapeworms," Takumi said. "Stupid narrator, he doesn't know what's talking about."

"Wait wait! A mountain path?"

"Yes. My master Pent lies in Caer Pelyn, and he can show you the way!"

"Thanks strange man!" Amelia blinked. "Who is this?"

"It's my brother," said an embarrassed Boy. "Julius is…..special, so I have keep an eye on him."

"Special like magic?"

"I am the dark vassal for Lopytr!" Julius shouted, evil smirk showing. "And even you will be enslaved by the 100 days of hellfire, Princess Amel-…..you have apple juice?"

Amelia looked down at her carton. "Yeah, I bought it from the store."

"MINE!" Julius snatched it and ran to make a sandcastle.

"Awww what a cute fellow! He reminds of me when I was his age."

"He's _19_ , Princess."

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: Julius replaces Ewan, so having the Lopytr vessal act like a literal manchild was too funny of an angle to pass up. Meanwhile Takumi is a butt monkey and Boy is a butt slut. I love Fire Emblem.**

 **Next Time: When's Lex's Support Science?**


	14. Lex Rex Tex Mex

**Review Time:**

 **Cyberchao X - oh sorry, the PME recap will clear it up.**

* * *

 _PME Recap: Prince Lyon has been replaced by Anthony, a memorable Ft. Mangs user was blamed for everything during Twitch streams as a joke. Saber from Echoes replaces Gerik, and Tethys is replaced by Boy, a trap dancer version of Roy. Elise takes Amelia's role, while Takumi takes Innes'. Ewan is now Julius from Geneology of the Holy War._

* * *

 **Chapter 14 – Lex Rex Tex Mex**

With the fort in fiery Transformers-esque ruins, Team Marry Sue had no choice but to advance on to their destination. Although, they had to interrogate the obligatory generic fodder, in the style of a Law & Order episode.

"Why did the emperor start this war?" Marry Sue asked, banging his hand on the table. "Don't lie to me, cavalier!"

"Because he was….b-bored?"

"That's it, I'm giving him a titty twister." Edward cracked his knuckles.

"Hold Ed. There has to be SOME reason why!"

"Okay okay! …..have you ever heard of….the Muffin Man?"  
"The Muffin Man?"  
"The Muffin Man!" he sobbed.

"Don't you DARE try to blame Shrek. What's next, blaming-" Marry Sue's eyes went wide. " _Anthony."_

"Oh the prince? Yeah he convinced Emperor to attack Renais."

"LIES! Anthony is my friend! Get him out of here, Edward, I need to discuss things with my adviser."

XXXXX

"…..me?" Artur asked. "You actually want to listen to me?"

"Well no, I'm just here to shoot down your suggestions. We set out for the capital of Grado immediately! If we can find Lex, my old teacher, or Anthony…..we might stop this war."

"But milord, they're our enemy-"

"No excuses! Rally the troops Artur, and do be careful that Gheb doesn't throw a rock at your spine again." He walked over to the young manakete Tiki. "You should go back to Frelia."

"No, Marry Sue….I sense great evil afoot….it's too dangerous for me to stay behind."

"…that doesn't make any sense."

"Pwease?" she asked, giving puppy dog….er, puppy dragon eyes. "I'll be your best fwiend, onii-chan…."

"Damn it, woman, your moe factor is off the charts! Very well! You can come with…."

"Yay! Can we get swittles and get ice cweam?"

"You don't have to keep talking like that."

* * *

Speaking of our always-blamed prince, he was in the throne room with the emperor. Selena had been summoned.

"Yeah, your majesty?"

"Lex has left for Bathreon. Take a battalion and go after him. I think he took my Carvel coupon!"

"Oh, okay, to assist?"

"No…..to kill."

"WHAT?!" Selena gasped. "But Lex isn't some traitor! He always washes his hands!"

"Selena….are joo disobeying my orders?"

"No….I'm just-"

"Go. And pick up some Subway while you're out."

"But I thought you wanted Carvel-"

"Go, woman!"

Selena frowned and walked out of the throne room. "I can't betray his majesty….he's watched out for me and given me shopping money. But if that's what he wants…..Lex, you're going _down."_

* * *

"I'm _what?"_

"You read the previous scene, didn't you?! Uh, I mean….w-we're gonna take on Frelia's troops, they're coming from the north! Prince Marry Sue leads them."

Lex scoffed. "You followed me all the way here, cryptically alluded to you attacking me, and now you say Marry Sue is in charge?"

"Give the order to attack."

"No, I wish to speak to the prince first."

"So it's TRUE!" Selena shouted. "You'd put an overly perfect prince over your own country?! I accuse you of treason! Lay down your weapons!"

"Bitch, you trippin'!" Lex galloped away, and while other Grado soldiers got into position, Narcian flew over to Selena.

"Ughhh, what do YOU want?"

"His Majesty wants you back at the capital, Selena. Lex is no longer your concern. He thinks you're untrustworthy."

"But I came ALL the way here! What, he's gonna make YOU fight him?"

"Not a chance!" Narcian cackled. "I wish to claim sweet Amelia's head in Carcino. If you disagree, then prove your worth to the emperor right now!"

"Tch. Better find that Carvel then…." She galloped away. As she did, Narcian passed command to another loyal subordinate of his, one that we saw in Renvall…

* * *

"Here we are!" Boulder announced. "We can surely find a ship that will take us closer to our destination."

"Uh, Boulder, Marry Sue said that 25 minutes ago," Belle said.

"Oh…wait, why don't any of you call Arden slow? We're both armored knights!"

"The power of-"  
"Shut up!"

Marry Sue squinted. "Uh oh. Looks like we have Grado men in our midst down there, but…..are they engaged with General….Lex?!"

"Who the eff is Lex? Your boyfriend?" Gheb taunted.

"No, my teacher! We have to help him! And I have an i-"

"Hold it, m8." xXL00tXx walked up to him and tapped his chest. "If you're going to use Artur as an adviser, then you let _me_ come up with a plan."

"Oh, xXL00tXx…." Artur sniffled. "You really do care about me…"

"He's my servant too."

"…..50-50 I guess."

"Only if Artur translates. I still can't understand your accent, Lute."

"It's _xXL00tXx."_

"I just said that."

"Bloody hell, you wanker…." The gamer girl pinched her nose.

* * *

"Captain Ghast! Marry Sue and his gang have been sighted!"

Ghast nearly spit out his canuck coffee. "Marry Sue?! Go after him, he's way more important than Lex! I want him alive….so I can shove the knife through his heart myself." He picked up his Long Bow, which could cover a huge distance.

"Geez, what did he do to you?"

"Only the worst sin a main character can commit….and it's in his _name_." He dug into his pocket and pulled out crossed-out pictures of a certain white-haired manakete. _"Fuck_ mary sues."

"It's Marry Sue."

"Dude, seriously? Semantics, bro."

XXXX

"This doesn't make any sense!" Lex and his four cavaliers were backed against the nearby village. "Why would the emperor think I'M a traitor?! I mean, I wash my hands!"

"Don't worry, General, we'll protect you! We'll go erratically and possibly get ourselves killed!"

"No! Just stay here and-"  
"WE'RE GREEN UNITS!"

Lex facepalmed so hard, his descendants felt it.

* * *

"Oh no! There's boats with cannons! Who's gonna stop them?" Belle asked. Everyone looked at her. "What? It's because I'm on a winged horse, isn't it? That's mountist!"

"Don't worry, Belle, we have an alternative. Oh Gheb…..?"

"What?" he grunted, pissing on a rock.

"If you hunt down those ships attacking us….I'll….be your girlfriend~?"

"That's for flamers! I want pics of everything, INCLUDING the fourth hole!" Gheb dove into the water, lust giving him strength and speed.

"F-Fourth hole?"

"Look alive, m80s," xXL00tXx commanded, as three myrmidons approached. Boulder and Belle quickly donned fake mustaches (yes, even Boulder), and set up a fake stand.

"Herro. We are famous businessmen. Would you rike to see new console. It comes with waifu VR technology. You can pet them!"

"Hmmmmm…well, your accent is incredibly bogus BUT those mustaches look legit! Sign me up!"

"Me too!"

"No thanks, I already have a pillow," said the third.

Eventually, more and more of the soldiers came by to see the new tech, which was a fake pair of sunglasses. Edward kept transmutating things (rocks, bushes, Al Gore) to look like busty young women.

"Genius, Lute! You-"

"M8. If you don't use my gamer tag I will feed you to the sharks."

"You're threatening _me?_ That's uncalled for, Lute!"

"You're doing it again, wanker!"

"Hey!" One of the Grado soldiers lifted up the sunglasses. "Wait a minute….EVERYONE knows gamers are supposed to love traps! This is a scam!"

"No it….isn't?" Belle tried, lamely. "If it was a scam, then how do you explain the cannonball firing right towards you guys?

Gheb had seized the vessel, and if history can tell us, Gheb seizing anything spells disaster.

* * *

Dorcas knocked on the gate to the northern village.

"What do you want?!" asked the agitated heroin-addicted gatekeeper. "You, you gonna try to steal my stash?! Well fuck you, buddy!"

"I….was just warning you about the battle."

"Oh. Oh phew, thought you wanted my stash, because I would stab your eye with a crowbar. Uhhh….you know magic, right?"

"Not at all."

"Coolio! Gangster's Paradise!" he tossed a Torch staff to him. "Have fun, brother!"

"….this isn't a spellbook."

"Pfffft! Of course not, I keep my heroin _in_ spellbooks! …..SHIT! Uh, I gotta go!"

 _Who could use this….?_

Belle, Boulder, Caeda, Edward, and Arden were fighting the soldiers. Gheb was shooting things while also filming the music video of his version of "I'm on a Boat". Artur was already buried under rubble.

xXL00tXx, pissed off, was blazing people up.

 _Hmm…..looks like Dorcas finally has a win._ He smiled and put the staff on his pocket….not seeing that it protruded horizontally in his pants.

* * *

Lex winced; the green units were getting their asses kicked, but per the law of green units, they had no sense of self-preservation. All would be lost…

"General!"

"Marry Sue?!" Lex looked to see if anyone had noticed the prince. "How did you….leave me be! I'd rather die than be seen as a traitor!"

"General, stop being a martyr, that's for losers! I know that you know that the Emperor has gotten mad. Don't you want to see the answer for yourself?"

"….."

"Please. We need a soldier that actually knows what he's doing. Jagen went off with my sister."

"Very well, Prince Marry Sue! I, Lex the Obsidian, and proponent of man ponytails…will join your cause! But we have pirates approaching the shore and my men have gotten themselves-"  
 **WHACK**  
"-killed."

"Can you handle them off? I'll get Edward and Arden to charge forward!" Marry Sue quickly ran off, towards the northern brawl.

"Prince, wait!" Lex shouted. But it was too late; one of Ghast's arrows had struck the prince. "Hang on! I'll be your shield!"

"What about the pirates?!"

* * *

"Arrr! I think it's time for a song, First Mate Stephanie!" chortled the "pirate captain" Rottenbeard, who definitely wasn't notorious prankster Robby Rotten in disguise.

"Gee! What song do you have, Captain?" asked Stephanie, a pink-haired girl of endless positivity.

"Do what you want cuz a pirate, you are a pirate!  
 **Yar-har-fiddle-dee-dee, being a pirate is alright with me!  
Do what you want cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate!  
You are a pirate (yay!)! We've got us a loc-"**

The catchy song was interrupted by one of Gheb's cannonballs, and one of the shots knocked the three puppet children into the (shark-infested) water. Gheb himself jumped into the cannon and shot himself into the mast, crashing down onto the deck.

"Give me your gold or else I'll….oh, snap! Robby! How you been?!"

"Gheb, uh….I don't know who this Robby person is…" Rottenbeard pointed anxiously at Stephanie, who lucky for him was completely oblivious.

"Oh sweet, a sea wench!"

"Oh for crying out-" Robby ripped off his beard. "I'm not doing that angle! Quit ruining my fun!"

"Robby Rotten?! Hey! You stole Rottenbeard's costume?!"

Gheb looked portside and whistled. "Oh man, apparently puppets _can_ bleed…"

* * *

Ghast readied his next shot….carefully, he pulled the string back…..squinted in the heat of the bright sun….and fired.

 **DING**

"What….? General Lex. You're defending Prince Marry Sue?"

"He's right, Ghast! There's something afoot with the emperor, and I intend to figure out the answer!" Lex shouted. Marry Sue was behind him, blocked by his armor.

"Look, General, I really respect you, but I can't stand Marry Sue. Or any mary sue! So if you hand him over, nobody has to get hurt."

"Except me," the prince said. "I heard you saying you want to kill me?"

"How in the hell did you…..arrrgh! This is what I'm talking about!" Ghast switched to his sword. "Defending someone like him is taking a stand for all kinds of shitty writing!"

"I don't really see how those statements are connected at all! Besides, we're in a-"

"NO!" Ghast pointed his sword. "Don't you dare break the fourth wall, Lex. Let's settle this like men."

"Well okay, but I kinda need my lotion."

"…"

"I get dry hands!"

Lex readied his hand axe regardless, and galloped forward. He blocked Ghast's first hit, but Ghast dodged his axe. It seemed the two were evenly matched, blow for blow.

 _Damn…..he MUST have some kind of weakness! I just need him to see more of Marry Sue to piss him off!_

Slowly, he lured him back…

* * *

The cavaliers and myrms were defeated, but the others were now facing attacks from a wyvern squad. Both Caeda and Belle were getting heavily wounded by their spears.

"Damn it….is how I'm going to die? I wanted to die with Marry Sue in my arms…."

"Princess, I wanted to die with my limbs still _intact!"_ Belle screamed, holding her dislocated shoulder. "BOULDER! DO something!"

"I have your back, Belle!" Boulder adorned a top hat and cane, and began to dance like the frog from Looney Tunes. " _Hello, my baby, hello my darling~!"_

"I really hate him…."

Dorcas ran to the center of the action. "Don't worry! ITS DORCAS TIME!" he chucked the Torch staff at one of the riders, causing him to crash into the next, and then a third, then all of them crashed into the sea. And boy, do sharks love wyvern blood.

"…did _Dorcas_ just save our lives?"

"EVERYONE, STAY BACK!" Lex commanded. "AND PUT MARRY SUE AHEAD! I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CONTRADICTORY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY MY WORDS ARE ALL CAPITALIZED, BUT STILL!"

And so Marry Sue was.

"D-Dance!"

So he did, while Ghast and Lex continued their duel. The former's eyes looked at the prince every now and while, but the battle was not yet won!

"FIGHT!"

Marry Sue picked up a rock and threw it at the last wyvern rider.

"Grrr…."

 _Got him!_ "NOW FOR THE FINISHER! USE YOUR TRUE POWERS!"

"…..huh? I don't just have magical main character powers, Lex."

"Are you sure? Because I'm bleeding and I was kinda banking on that."

"Yeah, I was so ready to go into a rant," Ghast said disappointed, "but I guess if you're good, you're good. You probably only dance, right?"

"Dance….pick locks….seize….do math…a little science…a little-"

"Nope! I'm out!"  
Ghast dropped his sword, picked up his bags, and headed off to plan out his next youtube video, wondering if the narrator was going to even pay him for his time.

* * *

 **Support Science: Is Marry Sue a mary sue or a gary stu?**

* * *

"Hey! They mean the same thing!" Marry Sue disliked the video and left a nasty comment that would later get pinned for irony. "Glad to have you with us, Lex. But…why were you being chased?"

"I wish I knew."

"Why did Emperor start this war?"

"I wish I knew. But, I may have an idea. One day, a bunch of Grado mages got together and created something called the Dank Stone."

"The Dank…Stone?"

"They say it's more powerful than the Sacred Stones."

"Marry Sue…." Tiki tugged his sleeve. "I sense it. Great evil from the capital. It has the power to…corrupt souls…"

"Well not only is that weirdly expositional, it gives us another theory! The emperor must be under corruption. Will you fight along us to the capital, Lex?"

"I mean….my men are dead and my hair appointment isn't until three weeks for now, so I really don't have much else going on."

"Great! Now all we need is a boat….."

XXXX

"Well, this is our spot."

"You sure?" Gheb asked. "We could get hammered, like the good old times! And it's only a few years before the girl becomes legal enough."

"Can't. I've got this great new song planned out, something like….We Aren't Number Two…."

Stephanie had been stuffed and sealed into a barrel. Robby grabbed it and jumped off, bidding the others a farewell. Gheb flagged them down.

"Yo! I did it, boss!"

"Excellent work, Gheb!"

"Um….M-Marry Sue, I don't have to be his girlfriend, do I?" Caeda whispered.

"Well Caeda, if it bothers you that much, you could always pretend that you pretend the fairer sex."

"What?!" Gheb set the anchor. "….prove it. Make out with Belle."

"Uhhhh…..look! A convenient plot distraction!"

L'Arachel galloped over to the dock with Jozla and Guzma in tow. She took one look at the vessel and smiled wide. "Amazing job, friends! With this boat, I shall purge the sea of those nasty heathens!"

"And you would be…"

"Princess of Rau-" Jozla's stand covered her mouth. "Er…L'Arachel will do. The locals have spoken of a terrible phantom ship! If you wish to bare the waters, then I insist we accompany you!"

 _"We?"_ Guzma balked.

"Well….if you insist. I'm on my way to Grado, so I have no intention of stopping our journey just because of a tall tale. Right, Artur?"

"Ri-" L'Arachel smacked him with a big stick before he could finish.

"Disgusting spider heathen! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall board your ship proper." L'Arachel boarded and raised her sword. "I declare this ship to be under the guise of L'Arachel, Holy Heroine!"

"That's cute, but this is a man's story, and I'M the captain."

She glared at Gheb. "I don't remember asking your permission, foul creature. Do you want me to purge you next?"

"Hey, Caeda, can you make out with her first?!" he shouted.

Marry Sue sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this…"

"Gee, why? The emperor being corrupted? A phantom ship on the horizon? Me continuing to be in writhing pain?! No, I have no idea where a bad feeling would _possibly_ come from!" Artur yelled as sarcastically as he could.

"Ouch, Artur….who hurt you?"

"DO YOU WANT A LIST?!"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: Jokes aside, I do recommend Ghast's Support Science series (and Mangs's spotlights) to learn more about the subtleties of a lot of a Fire Emblem characters.**

 **Next Time: Julius goes full chunni.**


	15. Not Your Grandpa's Monsters

**Author's note: Sorry. I was gonna make this days ago but I've been sick...**

* * *

 **Review Time:**

 **CyberchaoX - Well yes, but technically Boy is a trap, not a full gender swap. ;)**

* * *

 **Chapter 15 – Not Your Grandpa's Monsters**

The further Julius led the group, the more Takumi was starting to doubt his way. The dark skies, the crawling shadows, the dancing clowns-

"Okay stop, stop! Do you even know WHERE you're going?"

"Of course I do! Master's just beyond this fort."

"The fort with the _moaning_? And all of the fog?"

"Aw come on, Takumi." Amelia slapped his back. "Maybe sometimes you just need to trust someone, and build an army."

Silence.

"Oh that's right, Dorcas is with my brother…."

"LOOK!"

Takumi's frantic point revealed a slew of monster shadows, around and in the fort. Revenants, bonewalkers, mogalls, gargoyles, and mauthe doogs seemed to be in their midst.

"Don't you mean mauthe _dogs?"_

No I don't.

"Julius! Did you lead us to our doom?" Boy asked, annoyed. His brother chuckled evilly in a very not-subtly manner, beckoning the group to advance.

"Not at all, my brother…"

"Could you maybe not say that while crossing your fingers?" asked Jagen. He sighed. "I'm getting too old for this nonsense. Franz! It's up to you to divide the troops for this battle!"

"Me, sir?" Franz's eyes shined with glee.

"Yes, lad. Don't disappoint me!"

* * *

 **One preparations screen later-**

"Why is my weapon a stick?" asked an annoyed Caellach. Similarly, Saber had an electric toothbrush, Boy a cross, and Jaffar had a rusty nail.

"Did I do good, General?"

"Gonna be a big fat NOPE on that one."

* * *

One group (Bosswin, Franz, Slouise, and Caellach) oversaw going down the western edge of the fort, through the trees. The Jehannan merc wanted to impress the buxom mage, so he offered to lead the way.

"Yeah….in the morning I do about 500 push-ups," he casually bragged. "No biggie, really, just gotta stay in shape."

"What are you talking about? You never-"  
He threw a rock at Franz's face. Slouise smiled.

"You are quite toned, but I'd say that Saber fellow is a little more built. I believe his con is monstrous."

"HEY! I was in the shower, okay?"

 _"Con_ , Caellach," Bosswin said. He readied his dildos of doom. "They're coming through the bushes!"

"LET ME AT HIM! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Next thing Caellach knew, he was moaning and lying on the ground, while Slouise held her big fat staff over his face, like it was about to bur-

"Alright, I'm _fine_ , okay! What happened?"

"You tripped on a snag and hit a tree." But Slouise was still smiling.

* * *

As for the others-

"I'll do my best!" Nino shouted, taking out a huge container of salt. "Nino Super Salt Attack go!" It hit the Revenant….who shrugged and kept moving towards them. "Huh? But they're the undead…."

Suddenly the earth rumbled and the monsters had their eyes glow red. It was the biggest [REEE] you'd ever did see.

 **"We are not the undead! We are the** ** _formerly_** **dead!"**

"Oh crap, they're worse than monsters, they're _intellectuals!"_ Saber shouted. "Kill them, and kill them quick!" he chopped two in half, while Boy refreshed him to attack again.

"I thought we were done with trigger warnings," grumbled Jagen, who was looking at the C his professor gave him for his essay.

"Watch out Nino!" An Amelia phantom took a longbow hit from the other side of the wall. "We have to take that guy out!"

Then three mouthe doges (ecks dee) came down the steps, charging ahead.

"Aww! Cute puppies!"

One of them ripped off the arm of Amelia's second phantom. Hell, the phantom's non-existent organs were ravaged from its body. Nino backed away as a result.

"Go forth my beasts!" Julius cackled. "Attack Princess Amelia and her goons, ravage their souls so they might fall into despair, AND TEACH THEM THE MEANING OF- **NOT THE FACE!"**

The doogs were attacking him now.

"Save him!" Amelia ordered Takumi.

"Me?! He's a brat!" but the archer fired a few shots to get the beasts off….only to have them maul him instead. "OH COME ON!"

Jaffar quickly slit their throats. "Nothing personnel."

"Oww….." Takumi moaned in pain.

"Princess, this manchild is clearly malicious! He deserves to be punished!"

"Don't worry, Jagen, I have an idea…."

XXXXX

"NO FAIR! IT'S NOT TIME OUT TIME!"

Julius was handcuffed to Amelia's right hand.

* * *

"Shit!" Caellach dodged yet another arrow from the bonewalker in the fort. "Bosswin, can't you peg this guy?"

"He's using a Long Bow."

"….so?"

"So. So. SO?!" Bosswin spun faster on the merc then Crash Bandicoot on heroin. "No, you don't KNOW how infuriating Long Bows are! Try to attack them, they ALWAYS run back out of your range! They're the parasites of the bow-user community, and people already think we're bad! Fuck the person who ma-

"He's dead," said Slouise. "I Blitz'd him."

"….well then, good. Isn't that the boss down there?"

He gestured to a Revenant standing still.

"Is he?" Caellach noticed the shield icon. "Oh, dibs on the kill!" _This is great! I'll impress Slouise with my sick gains! She likes the macho types!_

 **+1 HP**

"DO OVER!"

"wait….guys, wait! We're not reunited with Princess Amelia! That means…." Franz's face turned grim. "this is a _rout_ mission."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Wanna get high?"

* * *

Saber peeked out from the corner, dead doog hide on his shoulders like a nice fur coat. "Looks like skeletons and gargoyles up ahead, lass."

"Are they hiding?"

"Behind those pillars."

 _Ha! Maybe THOSE monsters will kill them…..the servants of darkness, followers of the master Lopytr!_

"Julius, are you having evil thoughts again?" Boy scoffed. "Amelia swallowed the key so you can't try anything."

 _OH DAMN IT ALL!_ "Brother, must you stop my DARK powers?"

"Talk like that and I'm taking away nap time too!"

Jagen led the charge; he dismantled one skelly and blocked the hits from the monsters incoming from the right. Saber finished one while Amelia through a Javelin at another.

" **OW! That hurt!"** snapped the angry gargoyle. **"Not even a hello?!"**

"As the Nippongos say…. _Sayonara desu kawaii chan_."

 **"I don't think that's ri-"**

"DIE ALREADY!" Takumi silenced the gargoyle with an arrow shot to the neck. "Geez, they're getting annoying. What's in the chest?"

Jaffar popped it. **[You Got a Secret Book]**

"SCORE!" Boy flipped through the pages inside, but when it lacked any sort of juicy gossip or BL content, he pouted and handed the book to Amelia. "The only secret here is that reading is overrated."

But before Amelia could amass its pages, Julius took it from her. "Hahaha! With this book, I shall accrue enough knowledge to increase my power level! Soon, I will reduce all creation to ash, and stand in heaven!"

"Dude you're referencing 4 different things, and we're over here now!" Boy called out.

"?!"

"Chunni speeches take a lot of time Julius." Amelia gave him a sympathetic look, which wounded his fragile tryhard ego. "Why do you want to destroy everyone?"

"Because….L-Lopytr!"

"Lopytr? Or because you don't have any friends?"

"D-DAMN YOU, PRINCESS AMELIA!"

XXXX

They had reached the southern gate, where hordes of monsters lay on the other side. Jagen summarized the situation thusly: "As long as we don't open the door, we'll be fine."

"Got it, Jaffar?" Nino asked him. He nodded, and joined Saber to fend off some stragglers from the right side. Julius WOULD'VE unlocked the door just to mess with everyone, but that actually wasn't necessary at all.

 **CREEEEEEEAK**

"Um….did that skelly just open the door?"

"Huh….they had keys." Jagen had a cigar in his mouth. "In that case….IT'S TIME FOR A MONTAGE."

* * *

The colors became distorted, the speed slowed down, as the angry monsters charged ahead, everyone decked out their weapons and set forward!

 **Montage! Gonna fight them monsters tonight!  
Montage! Chopping skellies is all right!**

"Jaffar! SABER! I CHOOSE YOU!"

The two men finished their targets and dashed over to the other side. Jagen threw as many Javelins as he could, while Nino spammed fire balls.

 **Montage! This ain't Thriller, muthafucka!  
Montage! Don't be a muthatrucka!**

But more gargoyles flew in from the north! So Amelia summoned her phantoms!

 **Montage! I got my traps and my swords!  
Montage! I got my orbs and my feathers!**

One gargoyle was getting angry about the current state of the gauntlet on his phone but Boy snatched it away. "Only NORMIES play mobile games!"

So he judo chopped its face.

 **Montage! How long is this song gonna go?  
Montage! Someone punch the narrator!**

"That doesn't rhyme!"

 **Montage! Take this botion!  
Montage! What a fine notion!**

At last, the fighting was done, and everyone was exhausted. Saber wiped the sweat from his forehead. "We can move on to the next scene, lass?"

Amelia nodded. "We just need to up….JULIUS! You didn't record our awesome montage! How are we gonna get 10 million views in just 89 years!"

"I'm still a jerkass, remember?"

Takumi groaned. "We have to fight those monsters AGAIN! Take 2 guys, get up!"

 **"Goddamn it, Julius!"** all of the defeated terrors shouted. Said chunni gave a peace sign while the ending music to Seinfeld played.

* * *

 **3 hours later-**

"Okay, we're NOT doing that again! Let's just find Franz and move on already!"

However, when the group got out of the fort, the first thing they saw was Franz and Bosswin looking dreamily at the clouds, both high as the sky.

"Hey….that one looks like a bird…."

"Yeah….and that one looks like General's angry face."

 _"Franz!"_

"Then where's Cally?" Nino asked. She saw her get saved by Marie and Agent 4, so she breathed a sigh of relief. "And where's Caellach?"

He and Slouise were strangely reenacting the final battle of Stardust Crusaders.

 **"ZA WARUDO!"**

 **"B-BAKANA?!"**

It should be noted that Slouise was playing the part of DIO.

"Oh what is going on?" Pent stepped out of the shadows. "Julius, I leave you to your own devices, and you find people more unhinged than yourself?"

"M-Master!"

"Wait a second, you're that guy that was looking for a loli!"

"Hansen's no more," Jaffar assured him.

"Ah, you're that lot from Serafew. Come. You're almost to Caer Pelyn. Though I would be remiss if I didn't point out fog that seeps through here. It causes you to imagine monsters to fight."

"WHAT?!" everyone shouted. Julius cackled.

"W-We were in a fort!" Amelia turned around and….there was no fort.

"Were we just spazzing out in an empty field for over 3 hours?"

"It's called the chunni experience," Pent said.

Takumi was ready to die. "Can….can we just leave already?"

"Certainly. This way."

* * *

But as the group followed Pent up the mountain path, Amelia and Julius were the last ones in the pack, and falling behind at that. And being handcuffed together did not bode well…especially because Julius kept annoying Takumi.

"Hey prince! Better pick up the pace, or else you'll be irrelevant!"

"I swear to God, I'm going to stab you-"

"HOLD!"

Julius and Takumi froze, but Amelia being Amelia asked: "Hold what?"

It was one of the Imperial Three…. _Hector._ His mighty beard roared through the landscape, and he had an axe ready to chop her head off.

"You're-"

"Yes! General Hector. I hate that we have to meet like this, but if an oblivious fool like you can terrorize Carcino…..you must be KILLED!"

"What?!" Takumi scoffed. "Are you an idiot? Carcino tried to kill me, and you think _Amelia's_ the threat? She's handcuffed to a literal manchild!"

"HEY!"

"…so you say." Hector glared at Amelia. "Your defense? The emperor claims you massacred those at the port."

"Omae wa mou shinderu?" she asked.

Hector, not missing the foreshadowing, put his axe down. "You're right. Everyone knows weebs can't into conquest. What is going on with the emperor….."

Silence.

"Uh, that's your cue to leave!"

When they did, Hector stood there, contemplating the logic behind the emperor and Amelia's true nature…and suddenly….Narcian appeared.

"Well, well….you LET Amelia escape, Hector?"

"Sod off, Narcian. I'm going home, gonna drink some beer, and maybe take a nap. Move."

"Ah ah ah!" He blocked Hector's path. "Don't you know you're going to take a nap *here*? After all, we were once part of the same unit!"

"Okay, those sentences don't correlate at all. Wait a minute…." Hector looked up, and saw the literal death flag hanging over his head. "M-MASAKA?!"

"KONO NARCIAN DA!" the wyvern rider shouted, before laughing and smashing his axe through Hector's heart.

"Is…..

"Is this your last moment of life? Yes it is!"

"Is…..that a….Jojo reference…..?!" Hector wheezed out, before dropping dead.

 **Directed by Larry David**

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: okay that's the last time I'll do the director gag. Monster-only chapters are also harder to write for, so apologies if there's no too many jokes.**

 **Next Time: Marry Sue and the ragequit ship.**


	16. Phantom Shippuden

**Chapter 16 – Phantom Shippuden**

Dark clouds filled the sky as the ship set off from the docks. A regular sailor would be worried at the idea of being locked at sea with [these people] but Marry Sue had faith. Besides, how bad could it be?

"So what exactly is that thing again?" Belle asked of Jozla.

"My Stand, Couldn't Ask for a Better Ending."

"Stand…..?"

 **"Aye, lass! I'm the manifestation of his psychological energy! So we're two fighters in one!"**

"Good grief…" Jozla lowered his hat over his face. "Everyone will get tongue tied if I keep using the full name. Have any ideas for a catchier name, Princess?"

"Certainly! For convenience, your Stand shall be named Dozla! Oh, what a splendid name! Don't you agree, Guzma?" L'Arachel looked around. "Where did he go?"

XXXXX

"Here's the plan, Mixtape. I'll use a gameshark to hack Surf on you so we can escape!"

His "mixtape" was his prized Pokemon, Golisopod, a large arthropod monster that had been Guzma's best friend since his youth.

"What? Are you saying I didn't have any friends?!"  
Uh scene transition!

* * *

Dorcas saw that his father was painting the sails for "his" ship, and he looked damn proud of his work.

"Like it, boy?"

"That's…..a lot of nipples…."

"EXCUSE ME!" L'Arachel was livid at what she was seeing. "Take this, this pornography off immediately! The _S.S Sain_ t does NOT indulge in degenerate habits!"

"Excuse me? The _S.S Paizuri_ is a freeman's ship, and if I want to paint my collection of ahegao, I'm allowed to!"  
"Well it's disgusting! JOZLA!"

 **"BWAHA!"** Dozla threw a bucket of white paint at the image, blocking the scenery. And shrubbery. Finally worked that joke in.

"Well good, I ran out of baby batter white anyways!"

"Can you two stop fighting?" Marry Sue asked, frustrated. "I should be the leader because I'm a neutral third party. Gheb, having this much porn on our sails is not good, but L'Arachel, what if he changes it to ecchi?"

"Excuse me? You might as well not fap at all!"

"Excuse _me?! I_ am a holy woman, good sir, and this ship is strictly #NoFap!"

"CAN WE STOP SAYING THAT WORD!" Marry Sue shouted. "Do you want the rating to bump up? Let's just focus in getting through the sea!"

"Bad news, milord, there's another ship!" Edward moved his periscope around – hitting Dorcas in the face – and pointed to the port side. "It just appeared there!"

"Wonderful! That means there's monsters to fight!"

"No, not wonderful! Artur, give me an idea!"

"…"

"Artur?"

"HELP MEEEEEEEE!" Poor Artur was being abducted by a pack of gargoyles flying through the fog. They had mistaken him for a red unit. On the other side, two boards were laid down, and bonewalkers were coming…

"Damn! The one time I need to be perfect in everything, the plot says otherwise! I'll have to come up with my most cunning plan ye-"

Marry Sue was grabbed from the ship.

"MILORD!"

And Edward & Arden were horrified. But the *true* rage belonged to Caeda, who got on her pegasus and followed the gargoyles into the fog. "BELLE! MOVE!"

 _Oh crap, has she entered Rabu Rabu Mode?!_

"Wait a minute! Since when are we playing by _Thracia_ rules?"

The rest of the screen was pitch black. And XxL00TxX ended up hitting Dorcas in the face with her staff.

"SHIT!" Lex galloped over to choke the point, followed by Arden and Boulder. "MEN! We cannot let these skellies past! Use all of your skills to take them out!"

"Take them out, eh?" Arden had a bright idea.

 **One S-Support later-**

"This is our bond unit, General Lex! I call him Arden Jr." He showed off the hideous half-skelly half-human baby that was smoking a cigar.

"Congrats, here I thought General Hector was terrible at **metaphors!"**

* * *

Caeda chased down the gargoyle holding Marry Sue. "Release him, fiend! He did nothing to harm you!"

"Caeda, wait! Don't!"

Unfortunately, it was too late; she had been led to the middle of a gargoyle gang. You can tell they were a gang, since some of them had Japanese high school outfits.

"What's your game? Don't make me use this!" Caeda waved her Heavy Spear around.

 **"Hahahaha! We've been waiting to dine on humans like you! You and your friends can't beat the Ghost Ship!"** chortled the leader.

"Wait, where's Artur?" Belle asked, swooping next to her princess. "Thanks for not slowing down, chief, really appreciate it!"

"Oh, shush with your edgy sarcasm! I'm sure he's fine!"

* * *

"WHAT IS MY LIFE?!" Artur screamed as he was not assaulted, but swarmed by several female gargoyles that had a spider fetish.

* * *

"Take that! And that! AND THIS!" L'Arachel cut her way through the ship, foes falling to her holy Silver Sword of doom. "Disgusting beasts of the darkness! Burn their limbs!"

Gheb, stewing from memories of fighting NotSans, swung his axe around to chop them up to pieces. "They just keep coming!"

"That's what she sa-" Arden was bitchslapped.

"We'll have to step our game. Jozla! What can that stand of yours do again?"

Jozla removed his hat and gestured for the stand to make his move – Dozla released a shockwave that set a holographical timer over everyone's heads.

"NANI THE FUCK?!" Edward noticed the moon had turned into its Termina version. "JOZLA, IS THIS GOING TO KILL US?!"

"Don't be so crazy. My stand's power is to show off everyone's perfect ending. For some of us, that might mean dying. For others…..maybe not."

"B-But each ending becomes reality?"

"Only if they can break from their madness and see….we have to work WITHIN each other's endings!"

Translation: oh boy.

* * *

 **Ending #1 – Dorcas**  
"Natalie…..this ring is for you…."  
"Oh, Dorcas….it's beautiful…."

Dorcas embraced his love on the park bench, while everyone else gave an "awwww", even the monsters. Luckily, Gheb and L'Arachel were able to smash a few to pieces.

 **Ending #2 – Arden**

Arden stood proud and tall, while the sun shined down on his head. The birds flocked to his armor, while angry geese chased the monsters, Edward, and XxL00txX. Then the President of United States gave him an medal for being the "best meme armor".

"Congrats, Arden. What are you doing to do now?"

"The power….of pursuit."

"Ha! Gay…."

 **Ending #3 - xXL00tXx**

The gamer girl was awarded the top prize at EVO, and her Twitch sub count increased dramatically. While the monsters, sucked into the reality, clapped with the rest of the nerds, the team threw PS4's at their heads.

"I am the best gamer in the land, scrublords!"

A new gaming console was named after her, and montage parodies became the standard for every let's player.

"Hey! Generic monster! Care to pose for my let's play?" Gheb pulled out a (not) virtual glock and fired a combo of ammunition X's.  
 **[OH BABY A TRIPLE!]**

* * *

 **"What the eff is going on there?!"** screamed the leader gargoyle. " **What did your friends d-"** he trailed off, noticing how many limbs Caeda and Belle removed from his friends.

"Talking isn't a free action….bitch!"

 **"FOOOOLS! THIS IS MY CHANCE, TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT WE MONSTERS AREN'T JUST GENERIC BEINGS WITH NO LINES! SEE! LOOK AT MY LINES!"**

Caeda pointed her Heavy Spear. "You're just things to beat up while we face Grado, gargoyle. And now you're doing down!" She zoomed ahead.

 **"CHANGE…..NOW!"**

"Oh shi-!"

Taking a page from Captain Ginyu, the gargoyle fired a beam from his mouth to swap his body with the princess. Belle watched, eating some popcorn. And when the dust cleared….!

"Oh give me a picture, please!"

"This is my wife, guys."

"Can I smell your panties?"

"A-Augh!" Garda flew away from the smelly crowd. "What is this?! I'm a girl for two seconds and already people want me?!"

"I've got news for you, gargoyle!" Belle shouted. "There's one thing scarier than monsters!" She flew to pick up Cagoyle's body. "Neckbeards! Be glad they're not the atheist version…."

"R-Ridiculous! I can still fight you!"

The neckbeards were already sniffing her body and licking her armpits.

"OKAY I'M GETTING OUT OF THIS FIC! CHANGE BACK!"

Somehow, the beam swapped the places of the two souls, but I'm just reading what the teleprompter says.

"…"

"HEY! This isn't a cute girl! It's, it's just some ugly monster! GET HIM!"

 **"DAMN YOU!"**

"Phew….." Belle watched the monster flee for his life. "I guess it goes to show you, that two wrongs don't make a right."

"Was….was that really the lesson of today's adventure, Belle?"

"I wasn't really paying attention. Ten bucks says Artur's dead!"

* * *

 **Ending #4 - Edward**

"And so, by international, multidimensional, and transfic law, no one is allowed to make short jokes anymore," declared the metamorphical fanbases.

"Hahaha!" Edward was so stoked, he popped a bottle of champagne. "Hopefully that will stop all those doujins about me."

"Er…."

"Got you! Nah, as long as I'm tall, I don't care."

 **Ending #5 - L'Arachel**

A divine light shined across the law. Everyone cheered as the monster menace died….and by that, I mean the sun was literally vaporizing the monsters they had to fight.

"Bless you all! Hahahaha!"

L'Arachel galloped into the sunlight and became God.

"Wait! This means we don't have to fight anymore!" Lex shouted. "Good, call off the illusions, Dozla."

"No! I am God, so I declare the montage to continue!" God shouted back at him.

"?!"

 **Ending #6 - Gheb**

To no one's surprise, at all, Gheb's perfect ending was just him having unlimited stamina to have carnage relations with every maiden in the land. Edward, Arden, Boulder, Lex, Dorcas, and Jozla all just sat awkwardly while each maiden experienced completeness.

"Oh! Oh Gheb-sama!"

"Fill me with your love!"

"Y-Yamete! Not there…!"

"STOP! STOP I SAY!" L'Arachel screamed, in line between a copy of Caeda and Belle that were making out. "I AM NOT HAVING RELATIONS WITH THIS MAN! END THE STAND! RIGHT NOW!"

"Good grief…" Jozla put his hat back on. "It's too dangerous of a power…."

XXXXX

The scene transitioned back to normal, although Gheb was kissing a jar of pickles. Belle and Caeda swooped down with Marry Sue.

"Phew! That was something, alright. Uh….what happened here?"

"I'll tell you what happened! I, the Princess of Rausten, was subject to a horrifying illusion! I am banning this power, Jozla!"

"Understood…" He and Dozla bowed their heads.

"Wait? Princess of Rausten?"

"Indeed! I cannot conceal my identity any longer…."

"I mean, wasn't it really obvious?" Everyone stared at Tiki, the only one who didn't fight. "What? I was using the bathroom! How long do you think we've been sailing?"

"So where's Artur?" Boulder asked.

"Sup."

Artur came through with a harem of gargoyle bitches rubbing his spidery bits. He was glad, FINALLY something good happened to him. Of course, xXL00tXx took one look at them and Blazer'd them all to a fiery crisp.

"But…but…..w-why, xXL00tXx?"

"If I can't have my happy ending, then neither can you. Besides…..I was maybe jealous."  
"Oh…. xXL00tXx….."  
"They had some sweet Minecraft shirts."

* * *

Back at Grado Castle….

"Selena. Joo did not kill Rex."

The ruby-haired general bowed before her emperor. "Forgive me, sire. Narcian got in the way, as usual! Gawds, what a jerk."

"I guess joo're a traitor, then…." Emperor Entinen loaded his shotgun.

"NO! Tell me what I need to do to make it right!"

"If I may, Father?" Prince Anthony stepped forward. "Selena, I would like you to do something for me…..go to Za'albul Marsh and find something called a choragonstone."

"Don't you mean _dragonstone?"_

"Did I stutter?" he asked with a straight face.

Selena nodded. "I-If you say so…."

* * *

Meanwhile, Guzma was zooming through the water thanks to his gameshark.

"YA BOI is gonna make his own haul….in Grado Castle!"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending Notes: I really hate doing monster-only chapters.  
**


	17. Clarine's Neo Gaffe

**Review Time:**

 **Cyberchao X - Appreciate it!**

* * *

 **Chapter 17 - Clarine's Neo Gaffe**

When we last left Amelia's side, they had joined up with Pent to head to Caer Palyn. They were closing in to the secluded mountain region, although everyone was really getting winded by the air.

"Sorry, that's just the sewage treatment plant over yonder, next to the sulfur mine."

"Ugh….." Takumi covered his nose. "Well, at least it can't get any worse."

Then a truckton of monsters flooded the map.

"NO!" everyone but Pent shouted.

"Something the matter? We can easily take them!" the sage said.

"We're not doing this AGAIN! Someone scene transition!"

One monster slaying later, everyone was looking comfy, drinking cocoa in the house of the village elder, a wise old woman.

"Is the Grand Dragon well, Pent?"

"I'm sorry, Grandmother…" he bowed in shame. "I could not find anything to the west."

"Grand Dragon?" Amelia asked. "What's that?"

"You children need to read the history books!" Granny snapped. "For it was the Grand Dragon that fought the Demon King Tizi centuries ago…."

 **[ONE HISTORY LESSON LATER]**

XXXXX

"And that's why bread is brown. Any questions?"

"Uh, I got one! Is mayonnaise an instrument?"

"No, Elise, mayonnaise is not an instrument."

"Is horseradish-"

"Just stop the Demon King before it's too late!" the elder shouted. "Pent, go with them to Jehanna. And please, assist the Grand Dragon."

"You mean Myrrh?"

"I _said_ , the Grand Dragon!"

* * *

So the group followed the path down the mountains, where they bickered, laughed, and bought matching sweaters from a depository.

But in a nearby fort, Haar had received the news that his treasured onii-chan was dead.

"Impossible, Narcian! The beard…it's supposed to make him invincible!"

"Well, what are you gonna do?" Narcian chuckled. "I mean, he IS dead." He went to the trouble of throwing Hector's bloody corpse at Haar's face.

"Who… _did this."_

"Hehehehehe…..why, it was Princess Amelia, of course. Saw it happen with my own two eyes!"

"That wench is gonna pay. Where is she?!"  
Narcian grinned evilly. "Carcino, of course."

* * *

"PRINCE TAKUMI!"

"Huh?" The archer looked up to see a panicked pegasus messenger. "Speak soldier! Bare your true thoughts to me!"

"I, uh….like being whipped in bed!"

"That's not what I-"

"I'm afraid of saltines!"

"Well, who isn't? But that's not what I meant! A report?"

"O-Oh….right. F-Frelia has invaded Carcino on your behalf, and we're engaging with the traitor Clarine's army! Klimt is assisting us. But she's heading towards Jehanna!"

"What of my brother?" Amelia wondered.

"Last we heard, he was headed towards the capital…"

"ARGH! NO!" Takumi growled. "He is _not_ going to show off and defeat Grado by running into the lion's den! Amelia, we have to do something just as foolishly badass!"

"You got it Takumi!" she was preparing her video camera. "Direct rips of the Justice League movie, here we come!"  
"Milady, I think he was referring to us attacking Clarine head on," Jagen said.

"Oh. Can Elise slap fight her again?"

* * *

Not too far away, Joshua was conversing with the soldier entrusted to fight in the canyon, Klein - a blonde-haired sniper and Clarine's treasured brother.

"Everything ready? They're coming this way."

"If Amelia really defeated General Hector, she must be at least halfway competent. I won't let you down, sir!"

"Cool. I'll be taking on the Rausten knights to the north. They're armored knights, so I'll be done in like 15 seconds."

Klein had a reputation to fulfill….being a bow unit that was actually good.

* * *

In the center of the canyon, Amelia came on point with the others…..and they realized that they were technically surrounded. Klein's army was in front, and Clarine's would be approaching!

"Anyone have ideas?" Saber asked. "Cuz I was just thinking we gut everyone in sight, before this gets messy."

"Dibs on doing the battle preparations!" Elise shouted.

XXXXXX

"Oh come _on!"_  
Poor Saber got a piece of paper while Franz had a light saber.

"There's ballista on each side. So, we need to take them out if we can advance further!"

"I'm on it," Jaffar declared. He ran across the grassy field, stopped suddenly, and came back with a nine inch spear through his arm. "They're not as simple to beat as we think."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Clarine rode up from the rear, with a NEW loyal mercenary army.

"Perish and tremble, Princess Amelia, Prince Takumi! Because I, the great, wonderful, Lady Clarine…WILL CRUSH YOU AL-" she gasped in delight. "B-Brother?!"

XXXXXX

"Oh no…." Klein saw his sister's frantic fangirl waving. "I forgot my sister is involved in all this. Men, be careful. She'll take down anyone that gets in her way to me."

"But sir, that means-"

"Exactly. If they harm me…..they have to deal with _angry_ Clarine."

He watched Amelia make her move: she gave orders to split up so her unit wasn't clutched together. And his frontline soldiers were drawn to kill her phantom.

* * *

Including…..Haar?!

"Who is that?!"

Haar stared down at the phantom's cleaved corpse, but he looked disappointed when it faded. "Hmph….so that wasn't her?"

He zoomed across the battlefield, where soldiers from all sides were fighting.

"Princess Amelia! There you are!"

"Huh?! Do I know you?"

Haar grabbed her and flung her into the air, then the scene turned hyper-realistic with dramatic Kill La Kill music, Don't Lose Your Way. "You killed my brother, Hector!"

"NANI?! What makes you think that?!"

"Narcian told me!" Then Haar realized it, **Narcian** told him. "He was lying, wasn't he? Then if not you….then who?" He looked around.

 _"I'm still falling!"_

 _Wait…still rhymes with kill. Narcian rhymes with barcian. And everyone knows barcian is made of two words, bar and cian. Cian has four letters….like my name! And bar has three letters..like bro! As in…my dead bro!_

Haar's wyvern caught Amelia before she turned into flesh paste on the ground below.

"Huh?!"

"Amelia….if I join you…..can I be the one to kill Narcian?"

"Can I be the one to rip Justice League?"

"Uhhh….I guess…..?"

* * *

"Wait, what on earth is going on?" Klein looked through his binoculars. "Oh, that strange rider is now part of Amelia's team…and they're going after the ballista. Well that's not fantastic."

"BROTHER!"

He was tackled to the ground by Clarine, who peppered him with kisses. "S-Sister stop…!"

"Brother, I've missed you! I've had to deal with such idiocy! Can we kill Amelia and Takumi, together?"

"Clarine, you're on thin ice. If you want Grado to reward you, you have to make sure they fall. But support from Rausten seems to be coming i-oh, Joshua killed them already."

"I don't care! Let's run away together and start a family."

"We're _siblings."_

"So we've got half of the math done already! Please, please!"

Klein sighed. "Tell you what. If you can defeat one of Amelia's (wo)men…maybe we can think of something."

"Like look at houses and get a dog!"

"Uh-"

"I ACCEPT, BROTHER!"

XXXXXX

Clarine thought the easy target would be the occupied dancer of the group, who was watching Saber fight. When she got closer, Boy flipped back and laughed condescendingly.

"Not so fast, princess. I'm enjoying the show, so how about you come back later?"

"Degenerate! I'll kill you easily!"

"Oh really? Well would a _degenerate_ write his number on the bathroom stall?"

"Yes!"

"Fair point. Fir!"

Saber's loyal fighter stepped in front of Clarine and unsheathed her blade. "Hands off Boy. Anyone who dares hurt a trap is my enemy!"

"Bring it, sister! I'll use my…." She looked down: a staff would not beat a pointy edgelord stick, otherwise known as a sword, "s-staff…..?" So she fled.

"Get back here!"

XXXXX

 _Ah ha!_ She headed towards Elise to get revenge, but of course, something had to be in the way. Mainly, Julius.

"Going somewhere, girl?"

"Girl?! Ohohohoho, I'm going to enjoy this…" she removed her earrings. "I'm not afraid of some poser!"

"Oh yeah? Well would a poser have uncontrolled, DARK forces that will sent you to Hell?! I am Loptyr itself, fool!"

Clarine wasn't impressed. "Right, well I'm going to pick someone else to fight."

"B-BAKANA?! But why?"

"I don't hit those on the spectrum. They might bite, you know. Then they start wailing and calling their mother, and the media will just….destroy you."

"Hey! Which spectrum? The one with the colors?"

"Yes," said Clarine sarcastically, "you are most definitely on the _color_ spectrum."  
"HEY! You're doing that thing where people lie, aren't you?"  
"I'm going to go this way now."

XXXXX

And before she could get anywhere else, Slouise stopped her.

"You!"

"Yes, it is I, Slouise, out here in the open…"  
"SLOUISE?!" Caellach ran towards her giddily but he was hit with a brick from somewhere.

"En garde, then! You're just one of the people on my hit list!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Takumi had seized one of the ballista, and he was just having a blast, pretending every target was Marry Sue.

"Dead….dead…you're so dead….ouch, that one's gonna hurt tomorrow….in his graveside!"

"…."

"I said, in his-"

"I heard you," Bosswin said, "it really wasn't funny. Can I use the ballista now?"

"Hmmm…..okay okay. After I take my sixth turn." Takumi moved the turret to aim at a tree that looked like Marry Sue's face, but  
 **CLICK**  
"It only has five shots."  
 **CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK**

Two cavaliers headed towards the fort, leaving Bosswin to think of a very quick plan in order to defeat them. "Takumi, have you ever dreamed about flying?"

"Uh, that's a very suspicious que-"

"NO TIME FOR SECOND GUESSES, DAMN IT! TAKUMI BETRAYAL SHOT!" Bosswin shoved the poor prince into a 1812 cannon and fired him at the cavaliers.

"WAS THAT REALLY NECCCCCCCESSSSARRRRRRYYYYYY?!"

Then Bosswin smiled in glee and loaded the ballista with shots he bought from Willy Wonka.

XXXX

"Giga-GASP! That man is shooting candy at us!"  
"Awww, I'm diabetic…."

But because the myrms on the other side were distracted, Jaffar Jaffar'd them, and looked around. The battle was in full swing, but Slouise's and Clarine's catfight was so intense, most of the men stopped and set up popcorn and lawn chairs.

"…."

"JAFFAR! HELP ME!" cried out Nino. This got the assassin across the field in a flash, but any potential murderer and/or loli enthusiasts was instead a-

"Nino. Seriously?"

The poor girl was trying to open a _pickle jar._

"You're right! I don't even like pickles!" She chugged it at a sniper, knocking him out cold. "I was too embarrassed to admit I….I…."

 _Oh no. Is this it? Am I supposed to say yes? Will the world think I'm a creep? But Nino's my friend. And technically, murder IS worse, so ipso facto-_

"Jaffar, even your thoughts are sounding wordy today! I was gonna say…. _ai rabu yuu_ …"

"?"

"What's wrong? Don't you feel the same way?"

Poor Jaffar didn't know enough weebnese to respond back, so he instead ran off to go murder some more dudes.

* * *

Haar and Amelia torn through the battlefield, and when I say "Haar and Amelia", it was like 95% Haar and 0.1% Amelia.

 _There they are_! thought Klein, taking aim. He pulled back and fired, but Haar swerved around just in time. The rider and passenger jumped down.

"This guy is nothing, princess."

"Aye aye, Hand! Let's beat him!"

"You….did you just call me _Hand?"_

Klein said nothing and fired his Silver Bow. Haar was skilled enough to either dodge or use Amelia's (phantom) body as a shield, and his Brave Axe tore through any reinforcements running to shield him.

"Look at them go!" Amelia's eyes were shining. "It's like, like….one of my favorite Chinese cartoons!"

XXXX

"B-Brother….?" Clarine's eyes were shining too. "Oh, dearest brother, you work so hard, and I just slow you down….you're perfect….so perfect…."

Irritated, Slouise spat out the ball gag. "I'm sorry, weren't we supposed to be _dueling?"_

"Be quiet! You don't understand how special Klein is!" the noble retorted, setting down her ninetails.

"I'm sure that I d-"

"To be fair, you have to have a _very_ high IQ to understand Klein. His charm is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of self-worth most of the winks will go over your head. There's also my brother's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterization - his personal philosophy draws heavily from _Sigmund Freud_ literature, for instance. His fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly _appreciate_ the depths of his good looks, to realize that he's not just handsome- he's DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. As a consequence people who dislike Klein truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the beauty in Klein's existential catchphrase "Stop it Clarine, I'm in the shower and I just puked," which itself is a cryptic reference to Deep Rising's _Brothers and Sisters_. I'm smirking right now just _imagining_ one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Klein's genius unfolds itself before their very eyes. What fools... how I _pity_ them. **[crying laughing emoji]** And yes by the way, I DO have a Klein tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for my eyes only- And even I have to demonstrate that I'm within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.

Clarine looked so proud of her little proclamation, but her eyes turned wide when she saw-

XXXXX

"BROTHER! UNHAND HIM AT ONCE!"

-Haar standing above a defeated Klein. He didn't make a move to attack when she bolted over and grabbed him.

"Sssh, it's okay, brother…"  
"Clarine….?"  
"I'll wash your wounds….we'll leave this place….and we'll get married…"  
"C-Clarine, we really don't have to go that far…."  
"You're right! I'll need a dress."

Confused soldiers on both sides watched sister sling brother over her shoulder, and she left.

"Uhh…..what now?"

"Umm…..I guess you mercenaries can go home?"

They all shrugged and left. The Rausten Knights were killed by Joshua ages ago, and the swordsmaster had gotten so bored waiting for Klein he left to get snocones.

* * *

So with Haar in tow, the group continued their trek into Jehanna.

"Okay….I spy!"

"…"

"Takumi, come on!"

"Sigh….okay, WHAT, Amelia. _What_ do you spy in the middle of the barren desert?"

"Something that's coarse and gets everywhere!"

"Sand?"

"How did you know?"

"WE'VE BEEN WALKING THIS FOR THREE HOURS! I THINK FRANZ DIED TO HEATSTROKE!"

"Nah, he's fine." Haar slapped him awake. "So boss, after we kill Narcian, we can get snocones too?"

"Haar, I think you and I gonna be the best of friends."

Silence continued for a few more minutes, until it finally hit Jaffar in the nuts. "R _abu_ means….tax returns?"

"No, Jaffar," said Nino, for the 451st time. "Try again."

"Damn it, Nino, you women are impossible to read!"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: Yeah, I pulled a Mangs and skipped over Village of Silence. That chapter is all monsters and would be pretty hard to write decent jokes for. On a side note, the FE7 PME based off the p3treons (the word is censored for some stupid reason) is out, and yours truly is a playable unit! [the Anna with a Mario hat]. But I'm not gonna write anything on that, since that would be waaaay more inside jokes that more people wouldn't get.**


	18. Farfetch'd Heroes (w 10 off Pokeballs)

**Review Time:**

 **Cyberchao X - Don't you love topical humor? It's one of my darkest jokes, by far, but you can't make an omelet without cracking eggs. Thanks for still reviewing, means a lot. This fic doesn't have _too_ much steam left but we're getting close to the end.**

* * *

 **Chapter 18 - Farfetch'd Heroes (with 10% off Pokeballs)**

The ship Marry Sue had commissioned soon reached the port of Taizel, and the coast seemed clear to advance onward.

"Perfect. It's just a straight path to the capital!"

"Um, Prince Marry Sue…" Artur was behind him. "L'Arachel can't seem to find that Guzma fellow. We think he escaped, and she's furious!"

"Well he wasn't winning any fights anyways."

"That's….." the spider sighed, having resigned himself to being the only sane person left in the party. "Well, it'd be suicide to march on ahead! Grado's army outnumbers us 50 to 1."

"I like those odds," said the prince with a glint in his eyes. Artur was half-ready to smash a chair over his face to hijack main character status.

But then, Tiki was next to him. "Marry Sue….to the east….."

"The east? Don't you mean weest?"

The studio audience watching the adventure groaned. " **Hey, we already had this joke!"**

Just then, a dense unit of Grado soldiers swarmed the docks, including the infamous 7.8/10 reviewer from IGN…..'s head, who was dangling from the spear of a soldier wearing a ORAS shirt.

"PRINCE MARRY SUE!" Arden panted as he ran up the steps. "IT'S A-"

"Don't tell me, Arden. _Trap?"_

"Huh? I was gonna say churro stand."

Marry Sue pinched his nose. "Who's doing the battle preparations this time? Let's do that straw game or something."

"Sire, the Grado army isn't going to wait for us to pick weapons and equipment," scolded Artur.

"Nah, take your time!" a soldier shouted. It seemed everyone was on their phones, downloading the new Animal Crossing mobile game.

XXXXX

Gheb ended up "winning". So he picked the biggest, shiniest axe to fight with, gave Jozla and Boulder dog turds, and gave Belle, Caeda, L'Arachel-

"NO! I will not fight in this!" the Rausten princess declared. "You've gone too far, Gheb!"

"Hey! You gals can use whatever weapons you want!"

"In sexy bunny outfits?!" Belle hissed. "Equality, bitch! If we have to degrade ourselves, then you men have to do the same!"

"Alright, alright…."

XXXXX

"THAT'S NOT DEGRADATION."

Gheb, Dorcas, Boulder, Jozla, Edward, and Arden were now all dressed as members of the Avengers. "What?! Everyone's gonna think we're literal manchildren with these on!"

"Bazinga!" Arden added, only to have Edward throw a rock at his face.

"Can you guys just FIGHT already?!" the dancer prince snapped. "Split up and take these Gradoians down!"

"Isn't that a STD?"  
"DON'T MAKE ME PLOTKAI YOU!"

So they split up, but in the chaos, Marry Sue had noticed Tiki had disappeared.

* * *

All the way at the end of the docks, where the boss was standing….Joshua stood there with a wicked smile on his face.

"Make sure you take down Marry Sue, guys! Got about 1000 gold if someone gets killed here."

"Who on earth did you bet with?" demanded Yoder, who teleported behind him. "You really disposed of those Rausten armored knights quickly."

"They're armored knights, old man. The only thing less threatening are roadkill and dirty orphans….at least the orphans have a chance of wringing your neck in your sleep."

"Why are you here, anyway?"

Joshua held up his copy of the script.

"Fool! You're supposed to be attacking Jehanna, that's the 0.02 edition! Didn't you realize it was in crayon and mostly had naked pictures of [insert childhood icon here]?"

"Ohhh…..shit. What now?"

"Let the monsters deal with them! C'mon, let's get some milkshakes on the way."

"You know," Joshua smiled, "for an evil old man, you're not so bad."

"We can get my favorite - strawberry flavored!"

"….right, scratch that, you're pretty fucked up."

A group of gargoyles and cyclops appeared in their stead while the two warped away….and even they got out their phones to make their AC camps.

* * *

Marry Sue was hiding but watching the fight from the sidelines. "More of those things? Damn you, Grado….Tiki! Where the hell did you go?"

"Hehehehe…"

"Crap." Marry Sue spun around. "I suppose you want to capture/kill me," he inquired of the fighter.

"Damn straight!"

"WELL TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME." He suddenly blew a whistle, and it did nothing….except summon an angry Caeda to attack the fighter. "ATTACK, CAEDA!"

"You leave Marry Sue alone! What's _wrong_ with you? Are you mental? Didn't your parents stress life choices, or did they leave you to be raised by Google and Facebook like most millennial college dropouts? What's your shame, your honor? I certainly hope you cleaned your room, young man, because I've had it up to HERE with your behavior, and if you mouth off one more time, you're going to to the principal's office-"

 _W-What is this?_ thought the anxious fighter. _She's nagging me, but she's combining ALL of the nagging clichés to some kind of…..cliche supernova! Oh no! NOW I'M MAKING CLICHES!_

He jumped into the water, but Caeda's voice rang in his eyes, demanding he finish his biology homework.

XXXXX

While xXL00tXx roasted some fools on the right side, she was protected by Lex and Edward's combined attacks against the cavaliers.

"Hey!" Edward gestured to his Hulk outfit. "Why do WE get the crappy outfits while you don't get to be humiliated?"

"I was in the bathroom! Besides, I'm part of the theme!" Lex had an eyepatch and…..blackface. "English, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

"That's not even the right character!"

"…..Character?"

"Say bazinga again!" said one of the riders. "I watch that show all the time, it's hiliarous! Which one is the smart autistic one?"

"I think that's her," Edward pointed to the gamer girl. "Because Arden's definitely NOT smart, and I'm definitely NOT autistic."

"You freak out when people call you short….?" Lex said. This got Edward so mad he blasted all of the soldier into the water and punched a shark to death.

"YOU SAY I'M SHORT?! WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT A RACIST!"

"HEY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MY GRANDFATHER OWNED SLAVES! SO THERE!"

xXL00tXx looked thoughtful. "Bazinga….that sounds like a cool phrase. Bazinga! Bazinga?" The studio audience was howling with laughter, being people that only learned what a joke is yesterday.

XXXXX

Meanwhile, Belle was trying to get Boulder to tank for her. "Come on, Boulder, aren't we a team? I'm the pretty one, the smart one, AND the snarky one, but you're my tank!"

"Hmph! Miss Belle, you've been mistreating me this whole adventure! I demand some respect! So I'm going to go on strike!"

"Strike?! You're dressed as a blonde pretty boy with a hammer, what strikes do you have?!"

But Boulder refused to yield (how fitting….?) and put a sign over his head, titled **WILL ARMORED KNIGHT FOR RESPECT.**

"Damn!" some myrmidons were interested in the offer, but: "I've got plenty of money, but who the hell gives respect to an armored knight?"  
"Yeah! They're not technically people, right?"  
"Nah, they're like cacti."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Belle shouted, raising her spear. "You guys think it's right to mistreat a gentleman like this? Boulder is the greatest man I know, and being a 5 mov unit doesn't change that!"

"Belle I have 4 movement…"

Belle threw up. The myrms were grossed out, so they bailed.

"Tell you what! Say one nice thing about me, and I'll defend you from those!" He pointed to two VERY evil looking archers. One of them put a fedora on.

"OH GOD, THEY'RE NOT JUST ARCHERS, THEY'RE PSUEDO-INTELLECUTALS?!" Belle whimpered. "Okay, okay! Boulder….your mustache is hot. Makes you look like a 70s porn star."

"Or…..?"

"Or….?"

Boulder readied his Javelin. "You know who, Belle."

She sighed. "[insert your favorite movie star]."

"THERE WE GO! TALLY HO!"

The archers spent 9000 turns trying to chip him down, eventually they gave up and decided to become incels.

XXXXX

Meanwhile L'Arachel's evil radar was tingling, and she and her loyal bodyguard eventually cornered on the pack of monsters.

"See the flashing shield icon, Jozla? That's the boss! I must purge him!"

Jozla and Dozla both nodded, but she tapped their shoulders before they could ora-ora.

"Alone. But I need fitting music! Reach into my satchel and pull out the radio! Track 23!"

"Aren't you mixing up devices?" Jozla asked, pulling out a….Zoom.

"Just do it!"

So the Joestar member fiddled with the device until the sounds of a powerful Germanic march rang out across the battlefield.

 **"PURGE!"**

Auf der Heide blüht ein kleines Blümelein  
und das heißt: Erika.  
Heiß von hunderttausend kleinen Bienelein  
wird umschwärmt Erika  
denn ihr Herz ist voller Süßigkeit,  
zarter Duft entströmt dem Blütenkleid.  
Auf der Heide blüht ein kleines Blümelein  
und das heißt: Erika

L'Arachel laughed in triumph as she galloped across the field, skewering each one of the monsters her horse ran by.

In der Heimat wohnt ein kleines Mägdelein  
und das heißt: Erika.  
Dieses Mädel ist mein treues Schätzelein  
und mein Glück, Erika.  
Wenn das Heidekraut rot-lila blüht,  
singe ich zum Gruß ihr dieses Lied.  
Auf der Heide blüht ein kleines Blümelein  
und das heißt: Erika

"Take that! And that!" her light magic blasted them all.

In mein'm Kämmerlein blüht auch ein Blümelein  
und das heißt: Erika.  
Schon beim Morgengrau'n sowie beim Dämmerschein  
schaut's mich an, Erika.  
Und dann ist es mir, als spräch' es laut:  
"Denkst du auch an deine kleine Braut?"  
In der Heimat weint um dich ein Mägdelein  
und das heißt: Erika

And finally, she slaughtered the cyclops by ramming her Silver Sword through its neck, swinging it across, and beheading him in a single stroke.

"Done!" she made a victory pose. "How exciting! I don't know why this song relies me up, so?"

"Yeah, I don't know either…." Jozla muttered, using a hose to blow away all the Stormfront members and girl scouts. "Maybe you should find a new theme song, Lady L'Arachel."

"Nonsense! What harm could they be?" she asked, suddenly wearing an 88 cap. "Ah!" She waved a handkerchief. "Prince Marry Sue! Has the battle been won?"

"Well, the audience keeps encouraging xXL00tXx to say that weird word, but other than that, yeah! There's just one problem, where the HECK is Tiki?"

* * *

The manakete was flying towards the source of the darkness she felt. "Marry Sue….please forgive me."

Although, she had to make a quick detour when she saw a sign and a movie theater.

"Justice League?! All right!"

 **[2.5 HOURS LATER]**

Tiki stepped out of the theater, sniffling, and ripped her signed picture of the 300 director guy to pieces.

"I should've seen Blade Runner…"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: this fic is becoming a way to measure my lack of self-restraint i swear**

 **Next time: we skipped one Amelia battle, so we continue with Marry Sue. Can his army defeat Selena and his tsundere powers?!**


	19. Merry Birthmas

**Chapter 19 - Merry Birthmas**

Tiki continued her solo quest, flying through the skies of Magvel. Eventually, she landed in a village where a certain tsundere was holding up a stone.

"So this is a choragonstone….ugh, it's not even cute. How can I make a necklace out of this?"

"Please….I need that stone back!"

"Huh?!" Selena jumped. "Why do you sound like a Harry Potter reject?"  
"Well why do you _look_ like a Touhou reject?"

The response was a growl and a draw of her bow.

"Please, you don't understand! I lost that stone because someone betrayed me, then a bunch of Swahili smugglers put me in a box and had me dance with a monkey! Then I'm pretty sure I saw a snuff film…"

"Can I get the NAME first?" Selena demanded.

"Oh, it's Tiki. Some people like to call me Chiki, but they're weebs."

"Chiki? ….chorgan! So THIS is YOURS?"

"Nothing gets past you, does it?" Tiki's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Please, I must return to Marry Sue, he's dreadfully worried."

"Marry Sue? Why should I let you leave then? I'm from Grado, after all."

Tiki gasped. "Grado? Have you sensed a change in someone around you lately?"

"Well one of the prince's servants is babbling about taking over the world, but he's always been pretty crazy like that. Maybe…..could it be…..the Emperor?"

"Hmm? Whatever it is, I can stop it!"

"OK Tiki, I'm going to need you to break this down."

* * *

 **[INSERT EXPOSITION HERE]**

* * *

"-And that's why Justice League was just dreadful! Ugh."

Selena blinked. "About the Emperor….?"  
"Oh yes yes, continue."

"Some think he's a jerk…some still can't understand what he's saying….but he helped my village. Threw rocks to get run of those annoying homeless people, always asking people for change….well maybe I don't WANT to give you change, I have laundry to do!"

"So that's why you won't turn on him…?"

"I'm a soldier to serve him and him alone!" Selena snapped. "Not Narcian, not Yoder, and not that poser Joshua!"  
"Lady Selena, Marry Sue's army approaches!" a generic shouted.

"S-Selena….?"

"Go, Chiki. You want this stone back, Marry Sue wil have to KILL me!"

Tiki flinched. "That's a little extreme, don't you think? I'm sure a simple defeat would do the job just fine! Where in the script does it say you have to DIE?"

"Page 89."

"…bugger then."

* * *

Marry Sue and company reached the marsh, where a plethora of Grado soldiers were in wait. From pegasus knights to cavaliers, it seemed to be a gauntlet to take down Selena, square in the center.

"Okay, gang, here's the plan. We spread out and surround the General from all sides, understand? She's probably one of those not moving bosses."

Then a Longbow arrow pierced Artur's abdomen. Blood shot out like a waterfall and he collapsed.  
"This joke…..stopped being funny 10 chapters ago…."

"NO!" gasped Marry Sue. "The studio audience is gone, Artur! This is supposed to be dramatic motivation to fuel Selena's defeat!"

"…it is….?" Artur wheezed.

Edward, Belle, and especially Gheb looked very non-caring.

"…..i-in theory."

"So it seems Selena can long-range attack!" Boulder exclaimed. "I volunteer to soak up the hits, milord!" Determined, the armored knight clanked forward….only to fall into the water.

"….."

"….."

"Someone's gonna have to get him out."

"Not it!" shouted everyone.

So Gheb threw Artur's bleeding body into the water to fish him out.

"Can he even swim, Father?"

"Do I look like a spider doctor?"

* * *

Selena scoffed. "So they're spreading out…..all units, advance! Kick their butts!" She cocked the Longbow. "And I want that Marry Sue defeated!"

"But ma'am, he has plot armor! If Lucius and Captain Ghast couldn't beat him, who can?"

"SHUT UP! Is that all you generic units can do is complain?!"

* * *

"Jozla! I have a brilliant idea. Why don't you use your Stand again?"

"Yare yare…." Jozla lowered his cap. "It's too powerful, Lady L'Arachel. Blurring the lines between reality and fantasy….plus, the amount of weebs claiming it's a reference…."

"Fiddlesticks! I wanted to be God again, that was fun. I was able to snuff out those disgusting degenerates…"

The princess and her bodyguard took the right side, knocking the tar out of anyone that approached. Dozla gave the smackdown to one unlucky peg.

 **"Bwahahahaha! That's what 5 con gets you!"**

"L'Arachel!" Tiki flew over. "You're safe, all of you?"

"Lady Tiki! Well, Boulder and Artur might be dead, but that's a usual Tuesday, yes?"  
"It's Friday. We can't kill Selena!"

L'Arachel laughed condescendingly. "Dearest, there's a shield icon on the map. Bosses are usually puking up blood when we're done with them, yes?"

"NO! There must be a way!"

XXXXXX

"NO! There must be a way!" Gheb was trying to open a pickle jar. "Hey, Edward, where's Arden? I can use his thick skull to break this!"

"He's…." Edward watched Arden try to save Boulder and Artur, only to fall in the water himself. "….going to need to be replaced with another mentally challenged person."

"We can always get an IGN employee."

Most of the group was taking the left side, with Marry Sue leading the way. Of course, the horrific balance of units meant all of them were taking dirty naps.

"Marry Sue, hold!" Caeda flew into the air. "Pegasus knights approach!"

Belle joined her. "Hold, Princess, those aren't peg knights, they're….pegging knights."  
Indeed, the flyers had ten inch strap-ons as swords.

"That has to be the laziest joke in this whole thi-I mean, how are we going to defeat them?"

"Well they only target males. Marry Sue is in that awkward zone."

Edward, Dorcas, and Lex gasped.

"WAIT! THERE'S ONE WAY TO BEAT THESE SHE-HARPIES!" Gheb clutched his axe. "And it'll require the bloodiest, most violent, and graphic dic-"  
"Gheb check the rating."

He looked up. "Aw crap. RUN!"

* * *

Selena took another shot with her bow, and blasted Dorcas into unconsciousness. "That's two!" Her third shot knocked out Edward. "Come on, cowards! Can't you stop a _bow unit?"_

She watched Lex stop and drag them along to avoid the peg knightstm, and she loaded again. "Like taking candy from a ba-"  
 **"ORA!"**

Selena barely dodged the Stand's punch. "Hey! Who told you to hit girls?!"

Jozla jumped over the water and landed across from her. "I won't use my Stand's full power on you, but I can still fight you, Lady Selena."

"Hehehehehe….."

"W-What's wrong?"

Selena gave a devilish smile. "Don't think a bs victory is exclusive to the good side! Get ready for MY stand! 「OVERUSED REFERENCES」!"

"Bakana?!"

"Yes, you THINK you're a clever reference!" A pink spirit rose out of her back. "But now I'm gonna pound you for being so entry-level, normie, facebook tier!"

Jozla gulped. "I don't follo-"  
 _"MUDA!"_

A block of Japanese characters crashed into him.

 _"What a beautiful duwang!"_ Then a Dewgong.

 **"Get up, Jozla! We can pound this brat! ORARARARA!"**

"You're not even saying it right!" Selena cackled. "Are you somekind of…. _milf hunter?!"_

50 of the hottest older woman you ever did see appeared and punched the living daylights out of the Joestar youth, from Ash's mom to Vanilla the Rabbit.

"Ugh…damn it…..all of these….tired meme references….?!"

Selena pointed her bow. "Ready for the final one?"

"N-No….you can't mean….."

 ** _"ZA WARUDO!"_**

A dubstep farting sound echoed out as Jozla was frozen in time.

"What a _fool."_

Selena's (steel) arrow was soon embedded into his forehead….and then it exploded, for the final FINAL reference.

* * *

"NO!" Livid, L'Arachel cut off the head of a pirate attacking the lower village. "JOZLA! Oh, I'm SO going to give that prat a good trashing!"

The girl thanked her. "Please, don't hurt Lady Selena, and I'll give you something good!"

"How about if I chop off those pigtails and feed them to her?!"

"U-Um….well….I can give you a gift card to Spencer's?"

"Ugh!" L'Arachel was appalled. "That store is for edgy teens and future school shooters! And there's only like, 9 dollars on this thing. Don't you KNOW how much T-Shirts cost?! DO YOU?!"

"Princess, calm down!" Tiki ushered her away and took the card. "We can always buy pins!"

"Earth to Tiki, my bodyguard is defeated! Ooof, Marry Sue better hurry!"

* * *

Marry Sue was; Caeda was ferrying him while Belle was ferrying xXL00tXx. The latter descended and quickly saved the other village.

"Are you fighting a battle for your life?"

"Actually we are! So some kind of secret weapon would be-"  
Belle was handed a Barrier staff.  
"You villagers are _dicks_ , do you know that?"

But suddenly, she was downed by the third arrow!

"NO!" Caeda shouted.

"Caeda, keep moving! Let xXL00tXx handle the scrubs while we close in on Selena herself!"

"But Marry Sue, she's using arrows!"

"All bow units eventually run out of them….."

XXXXX

Selena looked up and aimed. "No you don't, Marry Sue! No cheating!"

The fourth long arrow crashed into Caeda, causing her and her dancing love to fall to the ground, where a bunch of shamans were closing in.

"Damn it….C-Caeda! Are you harmed?"  
Caeda looked down at her bleeding stomach. "That's a stupid question, wouldn't you say?"

"SELENA! This has gone on far enough! Your fight is with me!"

Selena stopped the shamans with her hand. "And *how* do you propose you're gonna beat me?"

"Well, simple. I'm-"

 _"I don't care what you are!"_ she hissed. "It's not fair that perfect people like you get EVERYTHING while flawed people like me or that bleeding peg get screwed by the world!"

"Oh, thank you…" Caeda coughed. "May I find a doctor?"

"Not _you!_ The one next to you, from Goof Troop!"

"Huh?"

Said Peg coughed. "Disney…owns Fox now…."

"Selena, please. Can't we talk about this?"

"NO! I have one more arrow, and it's going RIGHT into your gut! Unless you want to give up and have Renais and Frelia surrender?"

"I can't do tha-"  
 **SHING  
** Marry Sue looked down at his bleeding wound. "H-How….?!"

"MARRY SUE!"

Selena turned. "Chiki! I thought I told you to leave!"

"Well I'm not leaving, and my NAME is Tiki! You're causing all this mayhem, and for what?! Your Emperor, who is but a shadow of himself?!"  
Tiki gestured for L'Arachel to stop.

"You have thirty seconds or else I gut her!"

Selena took out her Silver Sword. "Don't make me hurt you, dragon. Or worse! I'll put you through puberty, and have millions of people create lewds of you!"

"They already do that now!"

"…ew?"

"We have your comrade Lex fighting with us! This war is not rational, Selena, and the second you STOP fighting means all of us can go home unharmed!"

Marry Sue and Caeda glared at the dragon.

"M-Minus those already hurt."

"…but it's not fair," Selena dropped to her knees. "I just wanted to be a loyal knight of Grado. What would my traveling BFF Eirika say?"

 _"Suicide pact?"_ said an image of Amelia.

"WHAT!" Tiki gasped. "Wait, you can't mean-"

* * *

"Well…..I mean…..we got your stone back, Tiki."

"…."

"And xXL00tXx at least _attempted_ to heal Caeda, myself, Belle, and Jozla."

"…."

"And the Grado soldiers didn't want to be framed for murder so they pretty much bailed."

"….."

"And we got a Barrier staff and a gift card."

"…."

"And after bouts of crying, questioning their sexuality, and suppressing it, Edward, Dorcas, Lex, and Gheb will be just fine."

"Marry Sue, may I ask you something?"

"Yes?"  
"Please shut up."

The tired group returned to the base of the river, when suddenly, Artur Boulder, and Arden arose, looking rested, relaxed, and carrying tons of gold and aquatic souvenirs.

"Guys guess what! We discovered Atlantis!"

"There was good food, good music, and all the mermaid orgies you can dream of!"

"Yep! So, how did the battle go?"

They were thrown back into the water, and Tiki stomped away, angry.

* * *

Meanwhile, Selena looked around, halo and angel wings on her body.

"So THIS is Heaven….it's not so bad!"

"Hello Selena."

"Eirika?!" Selena ran over and hugged Amelia. "You did the pact! Oh I'm so glad you're up here! I….kinda missed you. I'm sorry I was a total tsun to you."

"Aw, that's okay! And I've missed you…."

The two shared a passionate kiss, and Selena gave a contented sigh as she leaned on the shorter girl. "I'm glad I'm dead now…"

"Selena….I've got something to tell you."

"Yes, my sweet?"

"You're not really in Heaven with me. I'm still alive. You're just dying in a ditch."

XXXXX

Selena blinked and saw her ratty, bloody body, with her sword plunged through her torso. Everyone else was gone.

"….eh, worth it."

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: This fic WILL be finished, and I think I can get it done around the time ABA will finish. Late in the spring, if it all goes well.**

 **Next time: Joshua's mom has got it going on.**


	20. MILF Hunters

**Chapter 20 - MILF Hunters**

 _Two years ago, in the Grado castle courtyard. Amelia had just bested Anthony in the one competition she was actually decent at - Super Smash Bros. Brawl._

 _"Wow, I forgot how horrible the frame data is….you win, Amelia. Damn it! At this rate, how can the people count on me?"_

 _"Aw don't be so down! You have enough Melee skills to win EVO, for the country! You just gotta believe in yourself."_

 _"Believe…..right, Amelia, I have something to give you…."_

* * *

"What did he give you?"

"Huh?! Boy, were you watching my flashback? Stupid brain!" Amelia slapped herself a few times. "It's not supposed to keep doing that!"

"Milady, focus!" The party had reached Jehanna Hall, after [insert reasonable amount of time] of traveling through the desert. It had gotten so bad, Franz was sunburnt, Takumi had sunglasses, and Bosswin had a suspicious mole that he was worried wasn't really a mole. "We have reports that Grado troops have seized the castle, and Queen Ismaire is under siege…"

"T-That's your queen, right? Caellach….Saber….Boy….Julius….Fir….?"

"Lass, if we start saying each other's names with pauses we're gonna sound like a Kingdom Hearts game. Do you think she's dead?"

"No way! Queen Ismaire uses a sword, so logically, she can't die!" Fir said.

"….i think you're not the right person to ask."

Caellach, however, was so pissed he punched a cactus. "Everyone knows Queen Ismaire is the hottest woman in Jehanna. And I called the 87th dibs! Damn it!"

* * *

Inside the castle, the red-haired Queen sat stoically as her bodyguard, Karel, paced the room.

"Don't resist, milady. You could get harmed…"

"Why, Karel? Why have you betrayed us? Without you, I don't know how I could've moved on after my husband's passing."  
She quickly shut the throne room drawer that was buzzing.

"You don't understand….you've got the hair, the disposition…..together, we can be true edgelords. Think about it! All the Linkin Park songs we can listen to, together…."

Ismaire scoffed. "Why me?"

"Because you are beautiful. So beautiful, it charms my dark heart…."

"Karel, you've stabbed all of my servants, even the mimes! You truly have no shame…"

"But…..my feelings made me numb, so much that my skin crawled, and my body hit the floor…."

"The last one isn't from the same band!"

* * *

Amelia's group quickly entered the castle, through a secret passageway….okay, it wasn't very secret, they just distracted the guards with some cheese.

"Look at all the doors….Jaffar!"

The assassin readied his lockpick.

"Hold my cashews while I come with a plan! It's MY turn to do battle preparations!"

XXXX

The soldier guarding the first chamber blinked: everyone was in disguise to look like a typical 2018 family, and that involved checking as many boxes as they could.

"Hi! We're the…Manso…..err, Womanson Family! My name is Zha Zha, and this is our butler, Chives." Amelia pointed to Jagen. "Grado hired us to interior decorate the castle."

"Uhhh…..your family looks…."

"We're progressives! See my husband, Innes, his wee-wee was shot off by a beer keg exploding, but that didn't stop our desire for a family!"

Takumi grit his teeth. _I thought we agreed no dick stories!_

"That's my lesbian interkin son, Nina, who also served in the Korean War. And over there is my mentally-disabled cousin, Mcdonalds."

Nino and Bosswin.

"The family dog."

Boy in a Furrycon outfit.

"The homeless guy that follows us for pocket change. Oh, and he's blind!"

Haar, with two eyepatches.

"Uhh, listen, you don't need to go through the whole list. Just….take the key and check out that chamber."

"Great! Thanks!"

The soldier let them pass, and in 0.2 seconds he heard the splatter of blood and Grado soldiers screaming for their lives.

"W-What's going on in there?!"

"Uhhhh….my grandmother had her period?"

"…..oh okay, bathroom's to the left."

* * *

"This is by the far the STUPIDEST plan we've done," said Caellach, dressed as a disco star. "Can I just edit my backstory?"

"No! You're Disco Wew, my second-removed uncle that was arrested for selling fidget spinners on a playground…okay Jaffar, you're up! There's another door!"

Jaffar was Jaffar, the mute cousin.

"….."

He ran over to unlock the next door, and the "family" dogpiled the armored knight before he could shout for help.

"Wait wait! Maybe we should go to the left?" Franz - the grandmother - pointed to the left most wall.

"Franz, there's no door there. We would literally have to go AROUND the bend, and do you think we have 80 turns to burn for that?"

"We LTC now!" declared Elise, who was Esile, the adopted child from China. She even had a bottle of Coke to play a pee-pee joke, although many felt uncomfortable at her insistence of using clothespins to make her "eyes fit the role".

* * *

Much to Ismaire's alarm, two new figures entered her throne room - Anthony, the Grado prince….and her own son.

"Hello, mother. Karel, I trust you're having a fine time? I've opened the gates for reinforcements. This palace is pretty nice, why did I ever leave?"

"Joshua….how could you? You're behind this?!"

"Now I remember…." Joshua tilted his hat. "Because I decided it'd be more fun to be evil. Slaving away in this sand country, eating sand sandwiches and drinking sandaid…."

"You told me you loved that drink!" the Queen cried out. Joshua approached her, looking remorseful….before smiling and seizing his mother's arm. "What?!"

"Hold, Prince Joshua! We had a deal…"

"No, Karel, that's why Howie Mandell stole your briefcase. I just want Jehanna's stone. And Mother will be the one to tell me where it is."

"Never," Ismaire hissed. "You're a horrible son, and I will NOT let my country rot just because you've betrayed it!"

"Tch….Karel. Take care of any intruders, understand?"

Anthony cleared his throat.

"Oh right, right, you're still here. Give me a warning next time, Prince. C'mon, we need to find that stone." He lifted his mother off the throne and took her away, from his teacher and potential stepdad? Karel.

* * *

A pack of cavaliers arrived from the south.

"Hey! You there, guard! Do you need any help?"

"Hmm? Nah, it's good, the Womanson Family is here on decorating business. They certainly looked pretty odd and potentially a series of disguises, but this stupid helmet blocks my eyes."

"…."

"So! Who wants to play some Connect Four?"

XXXX

"Oh no!" Slouise turned towards the other side of the hall. "Horses!"

"Damn it! We should've figured this could happen."

"Want me to get em?" Haar asked, before walking into 5 walls, 3 of which were the same one. "Man this disguise is so borked, how do blind people do it?"

"LOOK!"

Amelia's dramatic pointing pointed to a priest carrying a Berserk staff. In front of said priest was an armored knight. "H-Hey! Intruders!"

 **CLANK CLANK CLANK**

Quickly Saber dashed towards the priest.

 **CLANK CLANK CLANK**

"S-Stay back! Don't make me use this!" he shouted, releasing a charge. Saber dodged, but the move spiraled into Caellach's body!

 **CLANK CLANK CLANK**

"Oh no!"

"The cavaliers are coming!"

Thinking fast, Takumi pushed everyone out of the way and handed the merc a phone, where upon laying his eyes on the game logo, his berserk mode exploded.

"WHY DOES RYO FUJIWARA DRAW CHARACTERS WITH THE SAME FACE?! **GURAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"**

Caellach's mobile rage burst ahead and slaughtered the cavalier spawns, just as Saber bitchslapped the priest, and threw his staff over to Slouise.

 **CLANK CLANK CLANK**

"Got it!" The Grado mage used it to charge the knights behind the next gate, so the group could get the jump ahead.

"Not so fast! I'm almost there!"

 **CLANK CLANK CLANK**

"Onward!" Jagen exclaimed. The group ran down the hall, burst down the door, and charged onward.

"Hey! How did….damn it, now I have to turn around and chase them!"  
But before he could, he felt Caelllach's hand grab his neck. The fire in his eyes were indicative of his horrible arena memory.

 **"Yipee-ka-yay, motherfucker."**

* * *

"We're almost there! The throne has to be this way!"

Unfortunately, in the party's way was a determined sniper, who was smart (and fast) enough to avoid the berserking knights.

"Your auras….."

"Huh? Jagen, are our disguises not working?"

This was 4-14, 3-13's younger brother. "Yes, it all makes sense. From my brother's message….he mentioned a group of random morons. Which one killed him?!"

"Excuse me, we are a loving family!" Boy said. "What, you've never seen a furry before?!"

"There's three things I hate in this world….furries….brother-killers…AND LISTS." 4-14 pointed his bow. "You must be Princess Amelia, and her lot!"

He fired a steady stream of arrows that everyone darted out of the way to avoid.

"N-No! We're the Womanson family! Over there-" Amelia jabbed a thumb at Slouise "-is the daughter I adopted from Africa! S-See the afro and blackface? I mean, _regular_ face?"

"Yes, Lady Ameila, I think I'm allergic to this paint…"

"And Ficus is transgender!"

Fir scratched her armpit. "Huh? Y-Yeah, I am! …. _Ficus_ , couldn't you give me a cooler name like Steve-o or Captain Falcon…."

"ENOUGH!" 4-14's arrow took down Franz and Bosswin. "I want revenge!" He dodged Jagen's Javelin, then Jaffar's dagger. "I want my brother back!"

"But 3-13 was dying, how did he ever send a letter?!"

"AMELIA!" Takumi facepalmed.

"Twin telepathy….bitch."

"OH SNAP, I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!" Amelia shrieked when the next arrow fired, but a phantom quickly took the hit. "Oh right, the narrator remembered I could do that! Phantom spam, hurry!"

The onslaught of arrows at her heart was countered by the spam of phantoms, but his brotherly anger kept him firing. Leaving Takumi room to pierce his heart with his own bow.

"Ooof….."

"That's it? Nothing else to say?"

4-14 collapsed in a pool of his own blood.

"…okay, THAT was pretty lame."

XXXXXX

Karel was looking at his sword, all alone, when the group ran in. "Ah….so the worms have come for the slaughter."

"Shouldn't it be pigs?" asked Nino.

"…"

"This is easy! He's just sitting on the throne!" Amelia tapped Jagen's shoulder. "Tag in!"

But despite his charge, Jagen completely missed. Karel didn't even move! A nasty slash from the Wind Sword forced him back, leaving Saber to try next.

 **WOMPWOMPWOMPWOMP**

"….okay, tag out," he wheezed, bloodier than a dozen hail marys. "Also, is that really the SFX for a crit these days?"

"Uh, Franz, you're up!"

His head never moved so fast in the "no" direction.

"Takumi! You can do it!"

"Tch…..I won't be an idiot and attack in melee." The prince stood exactly two tiles away and readied the Fujin Yumi, only to have wind and blood explode out of his body a second later. "GUH?!"

"TAKUMI!"

"Don't you see? Not only am I a boss on a throne….but a swordmaster boss. You'd be more likely to throw a ping-pong ball into a shotglass while it's spinning on a recordplayer strapped to a running cheetah's back."

"…?"

"You can't _hit_ me," Karel looked exasperated. "Besides, what else do I have? My lost love?"

 **BOOM**

* * *

 **Five seconds earlier….**

Ismaire had led Joshua and Anthony to the altar of the stone, against the former's desire. However, what they didn't know was her stubbornness would be used until the end.

"Alright Mother….what's the password to get in?"

"I won't tell you. I've cooperated enough."

"…you have the stone on your person, don't you?"

Ismaire's heartbeat quickened. "H-How did you know?"

"Simple really. A treasure like that, in the middle of an invasion? You'd want to keep it safe. That, and the fact that you dropped it on the floor."

The queen gasped, but Joshua's foot slid it away before she could grab it.

"Sorry luv. Guess your luck's run out." Joshua smashed the stone to pieces.

"NO!"

The queen dove down to retrieve the remaining pieces, but before she realized it, Joshua's blade had pierced through her body.

 _"I'm the king now."_

* * *

Caellach had destroyed the wall with the corpse of the knight, and he looked P-I-S-S-E-D. "You…..bastard!"

"Caellach…..you once worked with the prince….."

"OUT OF MY WAY!" he shoved Amelia down. "This edgelord…..he's gonna pay! No one overthrows a milf while I'm around!"

"But I loved Ismaire….she's mine!"

"Ohohohoho…. _now you've done it."_

The merc's blade and Karel's blade soon crossed, and the two were milliseconds away from cutting the other….so much so that time around time slowed to a halt.

 **"Give up. You can't win."**

 **"Is that what your mom said last night when I was giving her the one-two?"**

 **"Drown in my darkness."**

 **"Fuck your darkness!"**

 **"You're a hundred years too early to beat me…."**

 **"Well then maybe you need a retirement home, grandpa!"**

Karel was losing the cool-line ground. Every edgy line he was saying was being retorted with a snarky answer, not unlike a Marvel movie **. "Well….um….at least I'm in Heroes!"**

That had crossed the line.

 **"RYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

Caellach's sword rose up and slashed Karel's throat.

"Unh…n-no….I-Ismaire…."

Eventually time resumed again, and Karel's body collapsed to the floor. Caellach stood motionless, save for the sword dropping from the floor.

"Caellach what the HELL!" Takumi winced.

"I know….I should've cut his face first…."

"No you have a _boner!"_

"THERE'S NO TIME!" Caellach threw Amelia over his shoulder and ran out of the room. "THE QUEEN'S IN DANGER!"

* * *

Danger was an understatement, but Amelia fell off the running man, and was in Anthony's path away from the altar.

"Ohh….h-huh?! Anthony!"

"Amelia…"

"Why…." She stood up. "Why do all of this?! Brother and I, we miss you! Why did Grado start this war?! Tell me, please!"

"I'm sorry….I cannot reveal that…."

"Why not?!" Amelia hastily scanned the script. "Where does it say you can't do that?!"

"Farewell…."

 **CHINK**

"No! That's not the SFX for warping! I'm so confused!"

But Caellach came back and grabbed her by the head.

XXXXX

The two found the Queen lying by the wall, her last moments approaching. Caellach ran over to her. "Queen Ismaire!"

"C-Caellach…..it's too late…."

"No! Don't say that! You've got at least 20 more years of playing the market!" he grabbed her hand. "Please! I've had a crush on you since I first saw you…."

"Caellach….we both know…..you've had lewd thoughts of me, like holding hands."

"…."

"But….please…..you have…..to stop Joshua….." she coughed up blood. "My twisted son…..take the Sacred Relics and beat him…."

"Joshua….you slippery little….."

"Who's Joshua?"

Caellach stood up, and closed Ismaire's now dead eyes. "My old partner. He was always one-upping me, including the fact that he got to be inside the Queen before me!"

"…..when he was a baby?"

"Still counts, idiot! THAT BASTARD! He killed his mommy, in a world where JRPG mothers die every other hour! I'm gonna punch his teeth out!"

"Telegram for the Womanson Family!" a maid announced.

"Huh?"

She hurried over and handed it to Amelia.  
"Let's see….oh! Apparently Jehanna Hall is on fire."

"What?!" Caellach's eyes bulged at the incoming smoke and smell. "When did this happen?! We have to get out of here!"

 **TO BE CONTINUED**

"D-Don't do that tired old meme! Wait! You can't just cut away from fire!"

"Fire is bad, Caellach. Maybe we can tell the readers how bad fire is while we wait!"

He sighed. "Fine. Remember kids, when you see fire, you push your old grandma out of the way and haul ass, because you're not dying first!"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: Okay no more Heroes jokes, L'Arachel is finally in the game.**

 **We also have more chapters left than I thought, but I could always shortcut some of them. Oh well, some of you guys are still reading, and for that, I try not to totally half-ass it, y'know?**

 **Next Time - Marry Sue takes on the capital of Grado. What could possibly go wrong?**


	21. Ya Boi's In Finland

**Chapter 21 - Ya Boi's In Finland**

Marry Sue and his squad of knights, social rejects, and in Gheb's case, sexual deviant and menace to society, stood outside the menacing Grado castle in the capital.

"It's been two years since I've been here….it looks so…different…"

XXXX

 _"And so, the hero Grado and his shitposts sealed the Demon King Tizi instead the stone of Grado, known as the Fire Emblem. For more information, check out the next volume of Exposition Monthly," Anthony read._

 _"It's so small…and thick….that's what she said."_

 _"Marry Sue, please. Stop channeling mid-2000s lingo and focus, do you want Father MacGregor to beat you with a bottle of a whiskey?"_

 _"That before or after sells me colorful cereal and goes down a rainbow?" Marry Sue asked. "Ugh, I'm sorry Anthony, books are just lame, like mimes or Buzzfeed."_

 _"Don't be sorry, in fact I….I kinda want to be like you, Marry Sue. I am, you're just so perfect and can't do no wrong. Can you teach me how to dance like you?"_

 _"Sounds like a plan. Get some lipstick and meet me in the Irish coot's bedroom in 20 minutes."_

XXXXX

"Wait don't fade out! H-How does that memory even end?"

"Artur please, this is the climactic moment! Let's go in, kill the Emperor, and get back in time to watch the homeless people fight for pocket change!"

* * *

Anthony and his father were sitting in the throne room. The latter was impassive and sat with a neutral expression, while the former paced around him.

"Have we fouled, father? To get this far….if only I had the hips for it…"

"EMERGENCY!" shouted a generic red unit. "Marry Sue and company has stormed the castle! We-!" he froze up, taking in the sinister expression on the prince's face.

"Why ze problem?" asked the prince in a weird new German accent. "You look at me az if I'm some some sort of beast, ja? Bring your weapons to attack the prince! Right, Father?"

"Jes….do as he says," Emperor Entinen said.

"U-Understood!"

"Destroy ze prince," Anthony commanded. "Destroy ze prince, Emperor!"

And with that, he warped away.

The pack quickly headed to the floor with the throne room, but enemies and two locked doors stood in their path.

"Stay sharp," Lex instructed, "they call this the reset map."

"Why do they call it the reset map?"

A random longbow arrow pierced Arthur's head, but he didn't even look upset when blood sprayed out, just really really annoyed.  
"Yes, let's CONTINUE with th-" he passed out.

"….right. We'll have to be careful! Maybe we should split up?" Marry Sue suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," Caeda agreed. "Sir Lex can lead the right side, and we can use Arden and Boulder as meat shields for the left side!"

"BREAK!" the team shouted, then broke up in two packs (xXl00tXx dragged Artur's body)

XXXX

"Father, they're coming!" Dorcas readied his axe.

"Right! Let's chop them to bits!"  
Father and son decimated the loldier pack but had to retreat when some fighters came down the bend. Even worse, the longbow sniper was taking potshots.

"Shit! What do we do, boy?"

"I don't know, you're the adult!"

Gheb pimpslapped him. "Look! This isn't like you were 5 and I hired that clown for your birthday, we're BOTH capable men!"

"You guys crushed my hot wheels…"  
Dorcas's arm got pierced by the bow, but Boulder and Lex provided cover against the fighters.

XXXXX

On the right side, some sharp mercs were slowing down Edward and Arden, the latter of which broke his Pursuit sword trying to protect Caeda.

"No! E-Edward this is bad….I DON'T HAVE THE POWER OF PURSUIT! WHAT DO I DO?!"

Edward transmutated the statues to crush some of the Grado foes. "C'mon Arden, you never needed that stupid thing, it's just a meme!"

"Just….a…meme? Just a meme?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T EVER TALK TO ME OR MY ARMOR EVER AGAIN!"

"That's…not needed…." He mumbled. Belle shielded Marry Sue from some Javelins.

"No! Who needs you! I'll just help Marry Sue save the day by myself, THEN I can be the man I was always destined to be!" Arden marched forward, as the longbow arrows clinked him.

"Arden wait-"  
"No Edward, hold your fire!" their prince instructed.

Arden lumbered over to the three armored knights guarding the door. "Hey, can I have the key? I kinda need it, for my prince."

 **CLINKCLINKCLINKCLINKCLINK**

"We are the knights that say We!" they said in tandem. "And if you want to get through, you'll need to solve our riddle!"

 **CLINKCLINKCLINKCLINKCLINK**

"Well, okay?"

Edward facepalmed.

"What is black, blue, and red all over?"

"Ooh I know this one! It's- ** _choose the option, viewers at home, is Arden going to say a) the newspaper, b) a skunk with a rash, or c) other?  
[TEXT LETTER TO 1-800-VOTE]_**

* * *

On the left side, the group could hardly advance with the longbow sniper being a jerk, but things took a turn for the worse when:

"Hey, gamer girl! Watch out!"

A berserk charge from the other side of the door hit xXl00tXx's body. Dorcas, Lex, Jozla, Boulder, even the had-to-be-treated-for-blood-loss Artur knew this was going to be very very bad.

"Oh please, what's she gonna do? Die from sitting down for 20 hours? Poop in her socks? Make mean comments on the internet? Cuz I've done all 3!" Gheb boasted.

She nuked the knights into oblivion.

 _"Must….destroy….EA!"_

"Shitpickles!"

Our heroes ran back as fast as they could, while xXl00tXx burned down the bricks to incinerate the pesky archers, then targeted the main door.

 _"Must…destroy….Konami!"_

"Artur wake up!" Dorcas shook the spiderman awake. "How do we stop her carnage? She's your friend, damn it!"

"No. No, I REFUSE to be in this scene, because the narrator clearly doesn't know when a joke stops being funny!"

"Damn it, spiderbitch, what do you even want?!" Gheb watched her tiny hands choke the life out of the berserk bishop, whom she was calling "Mike Uyama".

"I want-

"WAIT! DON'T SCENE TRANSITION NOW!"

* * *

 ** _Your votes have been calculated! Thanks for voting!_**

"-A 30's cartoon that got some red paint on the animation frames!"

"…."

"…"

"…."

"Why the pauses, everyone?"

"I….just thought you were gonna say something…..bad? Everyone voted C," Edward looked at the poll results. "And well, you know what the darker punchline is, right?"

"No, what?"

"A black ki-"the knights of We couldn't finish the answer, as Twitter banned them for hateful speech. So Marry Sue picked up the key and opened the door.

"Halt! I'm armed!"

Then Edward changed the bishop's sleep staff into a cobra, that mauled him.

"Onward friends!" L'Arachel declared.

XXXXX

"What a joke, Mix Tape! Just a spear and some Mountain Dew." Guzma made a sound of disgust as he and his prized Pokemon rummaged through their treasure. "Let's just bounce and get some nachos! On me! ….well, let's split it this time."

Mix Tape glared at him.

"Hey, I wasn't the genius that got the McFatass meal when we went to McDonald's last week! Now c'mon! I see some fighting."

But when Guzma sneaked down the hall, a certain white horse stopped him.

"GUZMA! There you are! We're in our climactic battle, won't you join us?"

"Crap! Lady L'Arachel, I'm sorry for deserting yo-" she held her sword to his neck. "And I'm really sorry for posting those pictures on ebaumsworld."

"Guzma, I will forgive your treachery IF you loan your assistance to us!"

"What's in it for me?"

"Your organs and blood!" L'Arachel said cheerfully. "Don't make me fifth reich you!"

"Wait, when was there a fourth?"  
She dragged him away anyway.

* * *

xXl00tXx continued her berserk rage, and the poor squad of shamans summoned to assist Grado's forces were burnt to a fiery crisp.

"Lute!"

She spun around, palms already glowing. "Artur….I told you never to call me that!"

But the spiderman stared her down, leaving his allies to sneak past them and take on more reinforcements. "You were never this mlg pro when we were little. You wanted to be one. But you can't forget who you always were!"

"The best damn LoL player in the world?"

"No."

"The best damn Smash player in the world?"

"No!"

"The best damn Garfield Kart player in the-"

"Damn it Lute, stop it! You have to separate gaming from reality!"

The berserked light faded from her eyes. "Artur….."

"You're just being a stereotype. Not all gamers are obnoxious memers that whine about censorship, they're people….just love video games."

The two turned at the sound of the main double doors opening….it was time to confront the emperor.

"Artur….let's roast this bitch."

"That's my girl."

"Okay, thanks for ruining that, m8. What did you do to make those others give a damn?"

* * *

Gheb, Dorcas, Lex, Boulder, and Jozla all had to wear tight T-shirts with Artur's face on it, with the caption **#SPIDERLIVESMATTER**

"Here we go!" Marry Sue rounded his allies up. "Let's kill the emperor!"

"But Marry Sue, there's like a billion goons waiting in that throne! How are you supposed to win?" Arden asked.

Then, our dancer hero looked into the camera with a raised eyebrow.

XXXXX

Marry Sue: "No, no, I didn't feel bad massacring those soldiers in the throne room….I mean, yeah we as a society needed to care more about cannon fodder, they….BWAHAHAHAHAHAA, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't finish that thought. When you're a nameless red unit, you have to be gutted, I don't make the rules.

Probably should get back to the fight, tho…."

XXXXX

Emperor Entinen was the only one still standing…..er, sitting? As everyone else was lying down in a pool of their own blood.

"Alright Emperor, your crimes end here! For killing my father! For starting this war! For showing the Last Jedi in your country's movie theaters!"

But before he could touch him…..the Emperor's body crumpled into dust.

"…..that was anti-climatic."

"Good job, Marry Sue! A bit too self-indulgent, but then again, I would've had a triumphant war song playing in the background…"

"No L'Arachel, that wasn't me! How long was the Emperor just some….husk?!"

"Milord, maybe we should secure the castle in the meantime?"

"….good idea, Artur. Everyone take five!"

"Five what? Chickens? Seconds? Hours? Days? Tiddies? Grapes? Blu-Rays?"

" _Minutes,_ Gheb."

* * *

But when the two crossed into the next hall, Anthony warped in front of them.

"Marry Sue…there you are….."

"Anthony! What's with the weird accent, you sound like a Cartoon villain."

"I've been waiting for you…."

"Why are you? Why aren't you with your….er, possibly not alive dad? Why, Anthony? Why did all of this even start?"

The (possessed) Anthony chuckled, before launching into one of his (possessed) evil speeches. Did I mentioned he's possessed, cuz that's important.  
"I want to conquer ze world, Marry Sue! Grado is king! Grado is queen! You patronized me over ze years, with your perfectness….but now, I know how to win! I must be…..your antithesis."

"W-What?!"

"If I am flawed, people will be interested. They'll scorn your perfectness and reject you, and I! WILL! BE! ZE! MAIN CHARACTER!"

"ANTHONY, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!"

"Too far? Nonono…..I haven't gone _too far enough."_

He warped away.

"…his accent was kinda inconsistent, wasn't it?"

"Marry Sue!" Caeda emerged from the stairwell. "We've found a prisoner!"

* * *

A crusty, dark sorcerer sat in the cell until Guzma picked the lock. He shielded his eyes from the light. "Ah….who are you?"

"I'm Marry Sue, Prince of Renais. This castle is under my control, and the Emperor is dead. Wouldn't you join us?"

"Normally I would say no, but that cell was extremely uncomfortable. I am….Gharnef!" He stood up, and gave an sinister smile. "I bet you want to know how the Emperor turned out the way he was?"

"Ew, an exposition dump? I'm gonna powder my nose." Belle flew off. Dorcas had to stop his father from following her into the can with a camcorder.

"Yes, please, Gharnef."

"Very well! The emperor died from a Cheetos overdose roughly….1, 2…..16 months ago?"

"Are you serious?"

"Very! Prince Anthony was distraught, as even in death, his father blamed him for his demise. He wanted to revive him, to prove he wasn't as much of a loser as he thought. Of course, he had to lie and say the emperor was still alive, otherwise there would be bedlam, or worse! Communism."

Gharnef dusted off his robes, and flexed his dark hands.

"But he turned the Fire Emblem into the Dank Stone, and destroyed our own relic. He said he had no use for a husk! He ordered Renais's invasion, and the puppet Emperor agreed."

"What? A zombie? You can't be serious, _you can't be serious!_ That's one of the most annoying clichés EVER, along with time travel and anime mothers dying!"

"Alas! The Sacred Relics are still intact. You could use them, Marry Sue….and we could stop Prince Anthony, together."

"Sounds like a plan!"

"I don't know, Marry Sue…..Gharnef looks a little…."

"What? Evil? Don't be absurd! That's sorcerer-ist, and I know my rights!"

"Leave him alone, Caeda. Let's grab the relics and meet up with my sister! But how are we going to get there in such a short timeframe?"

The group looked to the narrator. Who me?

"Yes!"

Do I really have to?

"Yes!"

Sigh. Fine, through the power of anime and God, Marry Sue's group suddenly grew wings and flew so far to get from Grado to Jehanna. Yadda yadda, and…..can I get my paycheck?

* * *

"Alright! This looks like the Jehannan desert!"

The flaming Jehannan palace was in the desert.

"Annnnd that doesn't look good. To arms, friends! You too, Gharnef!"

"Hehehehe….after all….. **no one can win against me."**

"….."

"…"

"…."

"That sounded…deliberately ominous?"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Ending notes: There's only one more unit to recruit. Huzzah.**

 **Next Time: the royal twins vs. Narcian**


	22. Banky Barcian

**Chapter 22 - {B}anky {B}arcian**

A stew of Grado soldiers crowded the desert around the burning Jehanna palace, and old man Yoder warped near Narcian.

"You and that Joshua better finish this soon! There's no telling what kinds of plot conveniences will help Princess Amelia….her brother approaches!"

"Be gone, old man!" Narcian sneered. "Finally, I get the chance to take care of the twins, and I can't do it without your prattling!"

"What did you say to me, punk?"

"I said you're a crusty old fart that probably is going to die before he ever achieves TRUE happiness!"

"…..dick."

Yoder vanished.

* * *

Meanwhile Joshua watched the burning palace on a fort, eating a kebab.

"Hey uh….should we ambush the Princess?"

"Nah, let her sweat it out. I have some unfinished business myself…"

* * *

"-And THAT'S why fire is bad!"

Amelia finished her presentation, which went through nearly EVERY way a fire could be started - chemicals, alcohol, destroying the Sonichu medallion, y'know, regular things. Her group had mostly tuned out, except for Elise and Nino.

"Yay! That was the best!"

"I liked the part when Smokey battled Satan!"

"Milady."

"Yes Jagen?"

"You DO realize the entire castle is going to burn down, and we're all sweating, right? It won't be long before we get burns…"

"RIGHT! Let's get out of here! Caellach, will you show us-"  
The merc barreled through everyone to get to the door.  
"….the exit?"

XXXXX

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

"What is it?!" Amelia shouted. Her army took one look at the Grado soldiers and quickly readied their weapons. "Right, Caellach, want to do battle preparations?"

"No! That bastard Joshua….he's over there! I gotta kill him, Princess."

"To avenge the queen?" Franz asked.

"What? Franz, you idiot, don't you know….that _all woman_ are queens?"

"Yeah Franz, you sexiest!" Elise falcon-punched him, but no one bothered to correct her on the word difference ("What's the difference?", asked Nino).

"SPREAD OUT AND FIGHT!"

With Jagen's warrying cry, Team Amelia leapt into action!

* * *

Meanwhile, Team Marry Sue was fighting off a few wyverns from the south. "There's a village! Gharnef, can you take it?!"

"If you say so, Prince….hehehe….." The dark sorcerer calmly walked over to the front gates, where a young woman came out. "Hello. Do you have any _souls?"_

"Actually we only have Earth Seals."

"Oh, sorry I wasn't asking, I just really want your soul."  
 **SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP**

"What the hell is that guy doing?" Edward asked Arden. "That's a pretty suspicious SFX…."

"Edward, you dummy! He's clearly getting smoothies."

"No no, that's REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

"Then what's KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN?"

"It's the sound of my FIST going up your rear ends if you idiots don't stop this argument!" L'Arachel wasn't kidding, she was already preparing said fist….with tabasco sauce.

* * *

As both sides engaged the canon fodder (it's canon that they're fodder, hur hur), Narcian was getting impatient. "You there! Troubadour!"

"Yes, sire?" asked the meek little girl, carrying a sleep staff. "Should we wait 50 or 100 turns before we make any moves?"

"Are you nuts?! My pray…..Marry Sue and Amelia….they're finally together, in this very desert! I'm thinking I should hunt them down."

"But….bosses don't move."

"Says who?!"

The soldiers around Narcian's fort looked nervously at each other. "Sir, that's just how it is. I mean, Sir Joshua isn't going to move either."

"Because he's a lazy prince! _Oh bloobloo, look at me, I'm Mr. Hat Meme Man_!" Narcian picked up the Filli's Shield. Literally, it had Applebloom painted on the front. "If you want the mcs dead, you need to be proactive! Seriously, how has this never occurred to villains?"

His wyvern took flight.

"I'll kill both Renais scourges right here! And when I'm done….I demand a parade!"

"Like the LGBTQA+B-C community?"

"….yes?"

* * *

Amelia, on Haar's trusted wyvern, was using her phantoms to bait the other wyverns, allowing the eyepatch sleepy man to kill them when they weren't looking.

"Man! This is so easy, right Haar?"

"ZZZZZZZZZ…."

"W-What?! Haar, you can't sleep NOW!"

"Five more minutes…..Mommy…" He turned the wrong way, and poor Amelia fell about 20 feet before crashing into the sand. She would've been wyvern food, if a sharp axe and a jar of liquid didn't scare off them.

"Hey! Boss, you dead? Don't move if you are."

"PWAH!" Amelia spat out the sand. She gasped at the new arrival. "GHEB! You saved my life! Is my brother okay? Did you protect him, like I asked?"

"You know I tune you out, bosslady. C'mon! Let's dick these Grado bastards so hard, they'll actually MAKE bastards!"

"Ok!" She pulled out her lance. "By the way, what was in that jar?"

"It's what I want to slather Belle and Caeda in."

"…"

"Steak sauce! Ugh, give me _some_ credit. Their horses look tasty. Now get DOWN!" He socked Amelia in the face, allowing her to slide back to dodge-

XXXXX

"-Narcian!" Haar snapped out of his sleep mode. "Come back here!"

Some pegasus knights intercepted him, but since Haar was running off onii-chan rage power, they were smashed down. Bosswin and Takumi picked them off below.

* * *

"Are you sure you got this?"

"We'll back you up, Caellach," said Slouise.

She, Jaffar, Nino, and Franz took on the mages and fighters to the left, but Caellach ran past it all, and honed in the fort where Joshua was chilling. "HEY, FUCKFACE!"

"….Caellach. It's been a while, hasn't it?" Joshua jumped down, now the two were standing across from each other. "Remember the good times we had as mercs? Making money…killing people…playing ding-dong-ditch to Vietnam War veterans?"

"Just thinking about it makes my pee-pee hard….but you killed the Queen."

"Yes, my former mother. Now I'm the Queen."

"Don't you mean king?"

"You sexist."

Caellach growled. "For killing the milfs of all milfs….I'm gonna have to kill you, Joshy. It's nothing personal, it's just what you did really makes me and me alone mad."

"Isn't that the definition of personal?"

"I'm gonna cut off your dick, okay?"

The two rivals/former partners/possible gay lovers/pokemon card collectors drew their swords and charged….did I say "possible"?

"HEY! DON'T EDITORIALIZE!"

* * *

Narcian's sights locked onto Marry Sue, who was flanked by both of his knights and Caeda. "Ohhh, Marry Sue! Are you ready to take my throbbing axe?!"

The prince quickly flipped back to dodge said axe. "Don't you use a Runesword?"

"What?!" Narcian did a double take. "Oh no…..if I have my Heroes kit….then that means….?"

Silence.

"….NOTHING!" He quickly cut down both Edward and Arden. "Everyone knows that game isn't canon, Marry Sue! But you know what IS canon?"

His next attack knocked Caeda off her pegasus.

"YOUR DEATH!"

Lex quickly blocked the next hit, imploring the prince to flee. "You're fighting ME now, Narcian! I'm not as important OR as gender confused as Marry Sue, but I TOO have an axe!"

"I'm not gender confused…."

"SERIOUSLY, PRINCE?! RUN!"

Narcian cackled in his delightfully way and smashed Lex's armor open.

* * *

Meanwhile, Caellach and Joshua were evenly matched. Both of their swords were aching, throbbing with blood, and they were panting that-

"Stop it! An epic duel between two handsome men doesn't have to be gay, you know!"

"What's the matter, Cally, can we add homophobe to the list?"

"HEY! Everyone knows I love the gay community, okay? With their dancing, singing, I saw Cats like 30 times! The beautiful story of a man being his furry self…"

Steel clanged with steel once more, but Joshua's quick strike cut open Caellach's side.

"I'm a swordmaster, m8. I think you're outmatched."

But Caellach wasn't one to give up so easily. His hand grabbed Joshua's blade before it could pierce his hole-  
"STOP IT!"  
-and broke off the tip.

"Ooof." Joshua jumped back. "That's annoying, now I have to replace it…"

"Ha!"

Joshua karatechopped a passing merc and stole his sword.

"….oof me." But Caellach closed the distance and managed to slice his hat in two. "But are you so special without your hat?!"

"No….the thing that made me so popular….you'll pay, Caellach…."

"Bring it! I'm going to AVENGE your hot mom even if it kills everyone I love!"

"…..what?" Slouise asked in the distance.

* * *

Marry Sue flagged down Haar amongst the desert chaos. "You! You were with my sister, right?"

"Can't talk, I'm TRYING to kill this brotherkiller…."

The prince noticed Narcian circling back around, aiming right for his own head. "Amelia and I can beat him if we're together….can you make it happen?"

"Do I look like a dating service?" Haar snapped, suddenly dressed as Hitch. "I want to kill him! Who says _you_ can do it, anyway?"

"Uhh…."

Haar suddenly noticed the giant axe wound through his torso. As his wyvern crumpled to the ground - Marry Sue quickly getting away - he could only stare in disbelief.

"…you know, I really should've seen that coming."

XXXXXX

"MARRY SUE! YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER!"

The prince panted but quickly closed the gap between him and his sister. "AMELIA! It's time!"

"Brother! Okay, I'm ready!"  
Amelia made a homecooked meal, got into a dress and applied lipstick, got drunk and watched Roseanne reruns, tore said dress, and threw her birth control pills at Artur's head.

"….no, not that. Our birthright…."

Amelia's eyes sparkled. "I got the rings!" She put one on her finger, tossed the other to Marry Sue, and then, they pressed their digits together.

"WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!"

"WHAT?!" Narcian stopped in his evil tracks. "Since WHEN can you use that?! That's cheating! I call a foul!"

A red aura surrounded Amelia, while a blue aura surrounded Marry Sue. Both of them glared at the general; he had been an annoying foe in both of their sides for too long.

"You're a boss, Narcian."

"So what?!"

"Bosses don't move, _bitch."_

Dramatic music began to play, throwing sand up all around. Takumi, Caeda, Pent, and Tiki covered their eyes to block out the seering light pouring from the twins.

"Screw this! You think I'm going to sit here and let you transform?!"

"Amelia! We need a distraction!"

"Hmm…..HEY! NARCIAN! WHAT'S THAT, ALLLL THE WAY OVER THERE?!"

"What?! Where?!"

* * *

Caellach and Joshua slid back.

"Caellach….this is it, isn't it?"

"Yeah, Joshua. The final blow."

Joshua smiled evenly and raised his sword. "Okay, but it'll be over all soon." Soon he began to teleport around his rival, his body leaving afterimages. "Can you survive?"

"…."

"I'm faster. I'm cooler. I'm a prince! You're just a nobody!"

Caellach looked at his bloody hand, then the blood snow angel Elise was making nearby. Then at the blood from Jaffar's victims. Then at the blood from Slouise's- "HEY, JOSHUA! You wanna know the one way I'm better than you?"

"Eh, what?" Joshua's copies got closer and closer, so that his blade was about to connect with Caellach's neck, but then:  
 **BAM**

Caellach's fist had collided with Joshua's face before the hit. His sword dropped to the ground. "I don't have the same face as _four different units_."

He pulled back, only to see Joshua in Ippei format.

"Ew too distinct!"

Another punch, Yamada Kotaro.

"Still good."

Mayo.

"Nah…."

Miwabe Sakura.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Enjoy your new life as a loli, loser!"

"Caellach…." Slouise looked at Joshua's bloodied corpse. "He's dead."

"Died as a loli, HA! That's even worse!"

For no reason at all, Elise got a chill down her spine.

* * *

Narcian turned back in disgust. "Of course Joshua would lose the….OH CRAP, THAT WAS THE DISTRACTION WASN'T IT?!"

Amelia and Marry Sue were ready.

"Shape of….a forged Brave Bow!" Marry Sue morphed into said weapon, so overkill even one hit would one shot Narcian, let alone four.

"No it won't!" Narcian searched his pockets for….. "What! Where did my shield go?!"

XXXXX

He had dropped it in the sand. Jagen picked it up. "Franz….we must destroy this."

"You're right, sir! Bosses aren't supposed to move, that's just a dick programming move!"

"What are you on about? It has a goddamn horse, you brony!"

XXXXX

"WHERE IS IT?!"

Amelia narrowed her eyes. She took one look at Haar, who was being healed by xXl00tXx, and knew what she had to do.

"Form of….. **BRAVE HECTOR!"**

Narcian's jaw dropped when the princess morphed into a mighty version of Haar's lost brother, thick beard and all. Like Zeus himself descended from the heavens, fornicated with some poor soul, and that child had sweet loving with Chuck Norris.

"That's…a very uncomfortable description….I MEAN, HECTOR?!"

 **"You are already dead, Narcian**." Bravetor pulled his mighty string back. **"This is for putting Grado's name through the mud, killing me….AND SAYING TOMATOES AREN'T FRUITS!"**

Poor Narcian didn't even see it coming.

Cuz the arrow exploded and vaporized him.

* * *

"Well? What do you think?"

"…..so for CYL2, you want Hector's alt to literally kill people with exploding arrows," said the director sitting at the table. His intern had just pitched the design. "That's….that's…."

"Bad?"

"GET THIS MAN A RAISE!"

* * *

The battle had been won. Grado's forces had been destroyed, and now, with the deaths of Joshua and Narcian, only Yoder remained as the main threat…..the one connected to the Demon King.

"Hey, Amelia."

"Hmm?" The team was getting bandaged before moving on to the next goal….freeing Renais. "Haar?"

He fist bumped her. "That was pretty cool, avenging my brother for me. I owe you."

"Haar, that's my phantom."

"…oh."

"Doesn't matter!" She hugged him. "We're best friends now, okay?! You're the brains, brawns, and sexiness but I'M the face of the operation!"

Marry Sue nodded at his sister. "We did well, sister. Next stop….our home."

"Did _well_?" Dorcas, Franz, Jagen, Bosswin, Gheb, Caeda, Belle, Boulder, xXL00tXx, Lex, Artur, Arden, L'Arachel, Jozla, Caellach, Guzma, Nino, Pent, Tiki, Jaffar, Elise, Takumi, Saber, Boy, Fir, Haar, and Edward all looked at each other, then at Gharnef.

"…..what? I just joined this army a while ago, and I DEFINITELY wasn't stealing souls."

"C'mon guys! Renais is waiting!"

"…"

"….."

"…"

Gharnef stepped to the side. "You guys are freaks…"

 **FIN**

* * *

 **Next time: A man and his zombiefu...**


End file.
